Sunday, November 17, 2013

Fucked Up

Why am I  so fucked up right now?
Getting blood on my keyboard.
God what is wrong with me?
My uncle shot himself yesterday.
And my very favorite cousin who I grew up with.
Well he lost his brother and mom almost eleven years ago now,
And now his dad shoots himself.
And people just keep saying how fucking selfish he is, but I get it.
There is a point in your life where you just can't do it anymore.
What happens then?

Red

So I haven't cut in like 2 years.
Until now.
So yay relapse.
It's nights like tonight that I wish I did some sort of drug just to make things easier.
I have been drinking.
Half of one of the really big bottles of wine, and I'm still going.
And here I am.
I tore my razor up so I could get a blade because none of my kitchen knives were sharp enough to break skin.
But it's so nice.
The blood is so pretty and it just..I forgot how fantastic the pain feels.
Killian spent the night last night because you know he decided we could work or whatever and apparently I have a pahological problem.
But anyway, so I let him meet my son, Henry, which I really don't do.
I don't know what my fucking problem is or what caused me to trust him.
So he stayed the night and we had really great sex and talked for hours and it was really good.
And he said he was falling for me and that I'm wonderful and all this shit.
And then we got up this morning and he played Star Wars Guess Who with Henry.
And Henry likes him.
And then once Killian leaves I get a text that says when he woke up he thought he was at his old place with his ex.
And how he needs to take a breath.
And he's not ready.
Basically he's running when he promised me over and over last night that he wouldn't.
I know that he has his own issues, believe me.
But fuck, I thought I had been doing so much better and he just got me to open up so easily and I don't fucking get it.
So now that's it.
And I'm drunk and texting him stupid shit.
But my arm looks so pretty in scarlet.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

List [Updated 4/23/14]

I decided to make a list of the people I've slept with including a bit of detail on each.
I know, I'm a slut. I just turned 24 and this is a lot of people. Notice a lot more came after my husband than before. I just needed to have a list somewhere so I wouldn't keep losing track of my number.
Wow, 20. That's a lot. :/
---Updates from 4/23 in Red---

1) P.R. - First serious boyfriend; first almost everything; dated on and off for 3-ish years
2) P.S. - Boyfriend; dated 3 months; had sex 1 time; first person to go down on me (also 1 time); virgin
3) T.M. - Boyfriend; dated 3-ish months
4) J.B. - Boyfriend; dated a little over a year; first anal
5) J.C. - Boyfriend; dated about 1.5 years; virgin
6) D.H. - Alcohol; dating Jerith first time; dated for like 2 weeks; hated him
7) S.C. - Not boyfriend first time; married later; divorced; terrible decision; awesome sex (while it lasted)
8) R.T. - Not boyfriend; messed around for a month or so with no real commitment
9) T.N. - Alcohol; was married*; lived in Virginia and just happened the few times he was in AL or the once I was in Va.
10) M.F. - Alcohol; was married* (sep); paid me the first time (I really needed to buy diapers); saw each other for several months regularly then it tapered off to a booty call every once in a while and ended finally about a year ago when he got a girlfriend; one last occurence 10/13 when I was contacted about a MMF threesome for his friend's birthday.
11) Z.R. - Alcohol; was married* (sep); only true one night stand; met in bar and took home; never saw again after next day
12) J.A. - Alcohol; was married*; yuck, bad decision I made a few times because of my loneliness and need for affection
13) S.D. - Alcohol; was married*; one time; bad decision
14) B.H. - Alcohol; was married*; once again, bad decisions; made me feel good for a while; let me live in his house while he was in NY
15) B.K. - Married* (sep); Tried dating for a short while; mostly FWB status; couldn't do FWB thing after a while plus he had a drug problem
16) T.M. - Alcohol; Married* (sep); ONE TIME and it was horrendous so it shouldn't even count; bad bad decision (notice a pattern here?)
17) J.J. - Boyfriend (in secret) for about 3 months; moved to MS; still in contact; ended all contact as of 2/14
18) J.C. - Alcohol; FWB-ish for a few months; too old
19) B.H. - Alcohol; Other person in threesome prev. mentioned with M.F.; several times the one night and that's it; still kind of in contact; only FB friends now
20) J.M. - Stupid decision I made 11/13/13; seemed like a good idea at the time. I guess it turned out that this was in fact a good idea. Maybe I shouldn't have done it so soon, but it worked out.
21) T.B. - Alcohol; I guess this qualifies as a one night stand although I saw him for about two days beforehand. I was in a relationship and he was married. One time.

*All that say I was married occured after I found out Steven cheated on me.
-If alcohol is listed, it means that at least the first occurence was the result of me being drunk, although possibly more or all were.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Marcus

I'm feeling a little better about the ex thing. I'm pretty much trying to just accept it and move on. He's making it very hard because he's telling me that he realizes how much he's screwed up, what he's done, etc... and basically making all those bad feelings flare up in me.
So I'm going to try to map out the Marcus thing as best I can here. I met him through an online friend when I was almost 16. He was almost 18 (his bday is 10 days after mine.) He lived in Wisconsin, and I was here in Alabama. At that point, I had slept with 3 people. He is a very sexual person, and I obviously have a need to feel wanted, so things got sexual very quickly. He also told me he loved me after a couple of days. Of course I said it back. He talked me into sending him pictures and we had phone sex. A lot. Well, over the years, we would have significant others, but in between them (at least for me) we would talk to each other. When I graduated high school, I moved into an apartment with my best friend. That August, Marcus came down to see me for the first time. We spend 3 days together (in bed most of the time). After that, we continued to talk and then he came down again at the end of September. At that time I was dating a guy I really didn't even like anymore, I just didn't want to be alone. So Marcus came down and we spend another few days together. After that, in November of that year, my best friend and I took a roadtrip to Wisconsin and stayed one day. Nothing happened between us then. From there somehow we decided we were together. I started considering it a relationship and was completely faithful. Him? Not so much. I found out about a couple of girls later he said he didn't sleep with, but now I highly doubt that. Anyway, he came back down for New Years, and he proposed to me on Dec. 29th. I said yes. He was slated to leave for Iraq at the end of April, so we decided we would wait until he came back to get married. He came down to see me again at the end of January, and I went back up to see him in February when they were having a send-off for his unit. In March I found out I was pregnant. Because of that, we moved the wedding up and got married on Apr 27. He left for Iraq 2 days later. He was there for a year, but he did get to come back on leave for 2 weeks when our son was born on Oct 29. It was at that point that I found out he had been having some very inappropriate conversations with a female soldier in Iraq. He went back, and I spend the entire time he was gone out of my mind with worry. Like literally physically ill.

[Will be continued in a later post]

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Manipulation

So, I think I may be way more manipulative than I'd like to admit.
Every time I see the descriptions for BPD, manipulative is one of the biggest negatives I see.
This has always offended me, but I'm starting to think more and more that it may be true.
I know everyone is manipulative to a point, but one thing sticks out from a few years ago, and I think it's starting to flare back up now.
The year after I graduated high school, I was still dating a guy who was in high school (yeah, yeah, cougar, I know).
Well, I broke up with him during the summer because I decided I was bored and I had other options.
Well, a month or so later, I got sad and changed my mind, and we got back together.
I was his first girlfriend, kiss, etc...
Obviously, I also took his virginity.
So anyway, when we got back together, he acted weird the whole time, and broke up with me a few weeks afterward.
Unfortunately, the poor guy was nice and wanted to be honest, so he told me there was another girl at school he liked.
I didn't even like him that much at that point, and I probably wouldn't have cared if not for that.
I didn't want her to have him.
So I waited until they had officially started dating, and then I told him he needed to come to my place and get his stuff.
I (for lack of a better term) seduced him, and left a MASSIVE (like softball sized) hickey on his neck.
I acted super apologetic and everything afterwards like I just got so passionate and didn't mean to, but it was totally on purpose.
So of course, the next day at school she was super pissed and never spoke to him again.
She did have a few choice words for me, but that only made the victory sweeter.
After that, he wanted me back and I laughed at him.
So anyway, flash forward to today.
As I said, my ex husband's girlfriend called me a few days ago.
I have continued talking to her all this time, and I haven't quite figured out why.
She seems nice enough, but I always think of Steven cheating on me when I talk to her.
We have discussed hooking up ourselves, which definitely interests me because I would at least like to try things out with a woman once to say I did.
And I may still do that, but I think I figured out what I've really been doing.
Even though steven and I are divorced, and the majority of me has no interest in being with him again, I want to ensure this is screwed up for him.
I know that he will just find someone else, but I want to destroy this.
So I have passed on little things he has said about her in defense to me bringing her up.
I am currently the only one who can visit him, and he is spitting the "I love you. I screwed up. You're the one for me, etc..." crap.
I admit it's nice to hear.
So I'm playing it a little.
And it's like everyone is just playing into my hand.
She wrote him a letter, and he wrote me and said he wants nothing to do with her and he hopes he never talks to her again. I have that in writing. So I told her what he said.
It hurt her.
A lot.
But it also means Steven's bridge is burned.
I think I like hurting people.
At least ones that have hurt me.
I can see her POV sometimes, but I also still know that she knew he was married and had a son, and she fucked my husband anyway.
So I pretty much think she deserves it.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Lies

So basically I have been divorced for a month or so. I have been separated for almost 1.5 years. We also had a period of several months recently where we were "trying to work on things." Well, a few days ago, my ex got arrested for sleeping with his bosses daughter who is 16. She was 15 at the time they had sex. So he's probably going to prison. Then his girlfriend contacted me and proceeded to inform me that they have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. Now, I believe this because it lines up. I found pictures she had sent him at the time, and my son has mentioned her since then, so I knew something was up. I didn't realize that. Well, since then, we've been talking, and I've found out way more than I would ever like to know. 4 girls from work, a mom from daycare, random people on craigslist, God only knows how many more that there's not a paper trail for. Basically, I have discovered that there wasn't a moment in our marriage where he wasn't cheating on me. The worst part is he never even seemed to feel remotely guilty. You know those signs a man is cheating? He didn't have the majority of them. I think he seriously just lacks a conscience. I think my best friend was more right than she will ever know when she diagnosed him as a psychopath. He literally has no regard for anyone besides himself, and the worst part is he can make you think he does. It's all such fucking bullshit. I really do hope he gets locked up for a few years because he deserves it. His son doesn't need that man as an example of what a man is. He is not a man, he is a selfish, dick-driven child. I honestly think he is a sex addict, although he will never admit to it to get help. He is going to be like this for the rest of his life, and I might as well just accept it. I can't do what I really want and kill him.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Feelings

So, there's a guy I've known since 2008 that I have had an on/off text flirting thing with for years.
He has a thing for pirate stuff, so I'm going to call him Killian.
Nothing ever came of it, we would just text in between his girlfriends or whatever and flirt around.
He also sent me a dick picture once, but whatever.
So anyway, he messaged me a couple of weeks ago.
He and his most recent girlfriend (of 2 years) had broken up.
It wasn't like he messaged me trying to hook up or anything, we just talked a lot and eventually last Weds he asked me if I wanted to go out with him that Friday night.
So I did. We went to eat and then came back to my house and watched a movie.
We kissed some, but that was it.
Then he continued texting me and being super sweet to me.
I was off Monday so he came over shortly after I had taken my son to daycare and we just watched tv all day basically.
We kissed a little more, but that was really it.
So then Monday night he asks if I like having someone go down on me, and I'm like duh, so then he proceeds to tell me how much he likes it, and the conversation gets a little dirty, but then end point is that he wants to go down on me next time he sees me.
So then he is sick and calls in to work Tuesday night (he works 3rd shift) so I offer that he come over when he wakes up Weds morning and I will make him soup and stuff.
I wasn't thinking of any of the dirty stuff because I figured since he was sick it wasn't in the cards.
So we watched a couple of things and ended up going to watch tv in my bedroom because it was cold and we could get under the covers.
So of course we started kissing and one thing led to another until he ended up going down on me.
It was good, but I was so in my head and distracted and nervous that I ended up faking.
So then I was still horny so it progressed even more and we ended up having sex (where I faked it yet again).
Then we cuddled some before I got up and had to get ready for work.
So that was alright.
But then I realize that we hadn't had a conversation about exclusivity, and this is a guy I actually like, not someone I can do the FWB thing with (although, as we all know, I have trouble with that anyway).
So I make the mistake of asking him and (at least he's honest) he tells me he's been talking to one other girl and that things are really complicated because they have a complicated history and she is his, and I quote, "kryptonite."
Now this is a girl I kind of know. We have a few friends in common and hung out in a group once.
Actually, I drunkenly made out with her that night, but that doesn't seem pertinent to the story...
Anyway, we're friends on facebook.
Let's call her B.
So he tells me this and I'm not really mad at him.
I mean, we never had a conversation about exclusivity, it's my fault, I should have asked before I was a slut.
But then B messages me on FB about this time and proceeds to tell me that not only were they talking, but he was telling her he loved her the night before and then came to my house and screwed me the next day.
Knowing him as long as I have, I know that this situation was not his intention, but it's a crappy one.
So anyway, I basically told him that if he was confused about who to "choose" then I would make it easier on him and eliminate myself from the equation.
At the time I thought I was being quite grown up and mature about it, but I see now that I was probably being a little manipulative.
But whatever, so he's saying he's so confused, and B is telling me that she's in love with him (and I'm pretty sure she's got some narcissistic personality disorder going on there anyway) and is basically throwing little jabs in the form of sisterly candor.
But I play that game better than anyone so I knew what she was doing and just rolled with the punches.
I ended up getting madder and madder though, and I kind of chewed Killian out for hurting me.
A big thing is that I'm still really confused about my feelings for him. I know I like him, but this is some heavy shit for talking for just a couple of weeks.
But now here I am clinging and fighting for something I don't even know if I want, and I know myself is not as important as I feel it is right now.
But as the night progressed I just got more and more upset and ended up staying up until 3 am because my brain wouldn't stop ruminating and obsessing.
So then I woke up at 6am (before the 4 year old!) and my stomach was in knots.
I felt the need to tell him all of this.
I don't know if I was trying to make him feel bad or what, but I was doing it.
So anyway, B had told me last night that she was going to make him "face her" this morning, so when he texted me this morning I asked him how it went.
After a lot of vague answers countered by my poking and prodding, I learned that they basically fought all morning but that he had come to the conclusion that no matter their feelings for each other (gag) it wouldn't work because there is just so much history and crap.
Then he says that sometimes it seems like it would work with her, and sometimes it doesn't, but he truely believes it would work with me.
So a part of me is like "yay I win."
Then another part is like "crap this girl is gonna hate me now."
Then another part is like "do I really want to be a part of this situation? What if it happens again? Is she going to be around?"
And the last part is like "wait. What? Have I accidentally gotten myself into a relationship with someone I'm not sure I even like that much?"
But then they like sat at his house and watched TV together. Like, wtf?
He said that was probably the last time he'd see her for a while.
But then after all of our talking and stuff he said he was going to go take a nap and I asked if it was going to be alone because I remembered she had been there. And he was like well she's still at my house, but I can take the couch if it'll make you more comfortable.
Really?! How is this, after all of that, a fucking question?
He's supposed to come over in the morning because he was originally supposed to apologize or some shit in person but now that it is "resolved" at least as far as he is concerned, I don't know what that time will consist of.
I will probably have sex with him because I am feeling so dejected and terrible right now.
And even though the sex won't do anything for me physically, it will help with the crappy feelings.
Although I know afterwards it'll be back to shit.
Ugh. Life sucks.