tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60182091605998594202024-03-05T07:55:34.199-08:00Every Day is a BattleBorderline and just trying to figure things out.Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-23153305074978886002014-06-20T08:20:00.002-07:002021-10-26T22:52:46.078-07:00Sugar We're Going Down<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Things are pretty unpleasant right now. The
problem is that I can’t even explain why. In actuality, things are actually
going pretty well. I have a new job that I love. Killian is more than awesome.
Henry is even being pretty good (for a four-year-old.) I guess </span><i style="font-size: 12pt;">things</i><span style="font-size: small;"> </span>aren't<span style="font-size: small;"> unpleasant, I guess maybe </span><i style="font-size: 12pt;">I</i><span style="font-size: small;"> am unpleasant. I haven’t had a super
bad down cycle for a few months, and I guess this is usually the time of year
that it happens. I can feel myself doing it, but it’s like I can’t stop myself.
I am picking fights with Killian for absolutely no reason. I’m being short with
Henry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"> I
really worry with Henry. I look at how badly my parents screwed up my life, and
I wonder how well Seth can possibly turn out with a borderline mom and a narcissistic
sociopath for a dad; a narcissistic sociopath who will spend God-only-knows how
many years of Henry’s life in jail. I mean, I can’t even imagine what goes on
in his head. One second I’m loving on him and being sweet, and the next I may
be spanking him and screaming. I tell myself not to scream, but I can’t help
it. I’m like a toddler myself, emotionally speaking. I scream and cry and lash
out when I don’t get my way. That’s not how a parent should be. I’m supposed to
be the adult, but I am just as bad as he is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"> I’m
also feeling the need to do something destructive. I haven’t done it. I guess that’s a
victory in itself, and I should probably celebrate the small victories, right?
I just worry about doing something stupid. Like, right now, I’m low, but I can
think fairly clearly. I am pretty reasonable. I think that is one of the
benefits that my diagnosis and therapy had on me. I can see the patterns in
myself and analyze them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"> I
REALLY REALLY need to get back into therapy. I can’t afford it. Honestly,
though, I can’t afford my bills. So what’s one more? Killian has been helping
me more and more with bills. On one hand I feel guilty about it, but on the
other, it’s kind of nice. I mean, we are planning on getting married, so I
guess it’s going to happen anyway. Some of the fights I have been picking are
about money, though. I am feeling very resentful towards him when it comes to
money. I think a lot of it is left over from Marcus. I hated Marcus for
not wanting to do anything better. The fact that he was perfectly content with
working at a fast food place part-time making minimum wage for the rest of his
life was the worst thing in the world to me. I think that some of that is being
projected onto Killian. I mean, he’s trying to get a better job.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"> On
the other hand, though, he is being pretty picky. I am of the mindset that most
things are better than his current situation. I guess I just think that if
money was better, my life would be a million times easier. I took an hourly
pay-cut at my new job. My last job paid 50% more per hour, which was great when
I was getting 35-45 hours a week. When it got to the point that I was lucky to
get 25, though, it was a whole other story. So this job pays 50% less per hour,
but I’m guaranteed 40 hrs. The good news is that I’m not making any less than I
had been recently at my last job, but the bad news is that it’s still not
enough to pay my bills. This is why Killian has been helping me. My job is also
awesome though because a) I love it, and b) the hours are 8-5 M-F. That’s
almost unheard of with no degree or prior experience. I guess I just really
hope Killian gets a better job because it will show me that he cares enough to want
to take care of us. I’m definitely not the stay-at-home mom type, but having a
man who wants to take care of us would be nice. I mean, I also want to get back
into school, and there are a lot of classes I won’t be able to take without
working a little less.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; text-align: justify;"> I’m
just stressed. I’m always tired (even though I get plenty of sleep). I’m angry
and irritable. I’m feeling very reckless. I want to do something crazy. It’s
been REALLY hard to resist cutting lately. I talked myself out of it most
recently because I would have no way to hide the marks at work, but now I’ve
thought about it, and I realized that I could just cut my inner thighs. It
would probably hurt more, and I could easily hide it. I guess I really do need
some therapy.</span>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-17959172724998789382014-03-26T14:40:00.000-07:002014-04-23T09:46:07.558-07:00I Guess Sometimes Everything May Turn Out Okay...<br />
Well, life has been pretty awesome lately.<br />
The guy I last ranted about, Killian, has turned out to not be the dick I first thought he was.<br />
He has spent the last several months trying to make that one day up to me.<br />
He is actually super amazing, and I didn't know I could get so lucky.<br />
I haven't had the desire to act out or anything.<br />
I mean, we fight like everyone, but he just fits really well with me.<br />
And it doesn't hurt that the sex is AMAZING.<br />
Yeah, about that.<br />
Well, I've been getting really into church lately, and about a month ago I decided I think we shouldn't have sex anymore until we get married.<br />
We're not engaged or anything, I just meant I wanted to wait.<br />
He agreed because he's wonderful, and it's been hard at times, but overall it has been good.<br />
Well, we may have cheated a few times.<br />
I don't know, it's hard because part of me really wants to.<br />
And part of me wants to do what's right.<br />
I kind of feel like I'm two different people.<br />
The borderline girl who fucks anyone who looks at me the right way and the Christian girl who wants to put God first and have the right foundation for our relationship.<br />
I mean I think I'm doing alright on the "fucks anyone" front because I haven't even been tempted to cheat on him, but I do still have the issue where I feel like I'm required to do it.<br />
It's really complicated because it's not like I don't enjoy the sex.<br />
It's as great as sex could ever be for me.<br />
Especially since he always goes down on my after and makes sure I finish, which is VERY different for me.<br />
He is the most selfless, giving person, both in the bedroom and out.<br />
So anyway, it's like half of me wants to have sex because I get horny and I want to have an orgasm (which I think is what the general reasoning is supposed to be, right?) and the other half wants to have sex because I need to feel wanted and loved and such.<br />
Anyway, the point is that I am still figuring all of this out.<br />
And I feel like this is, by far, my healthiest relationship to date.<br />
Like...I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm pretty sure he's the one.<br />
I can see him being the person I spend the rest of my life with.<br />
And, I guess, being borderline, I kind of get like that more than most, but something feels different with this.<br />
I don't so much feel crazy as just loved, and lucky.Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-46477932899733673842013-11-17T22:40:00.000-08:002013-11-17T22:40:24.611-08:00Fucked UpWhy am I so fucked up right now?<br />
Getting blood on my keyboard.<br />
God what is wrong with me?<br />
My uncle shot himself yesterday.<br />
And my very favorite cousin who I grew up with.<br />
Well he lost his brother and mom almost eleven years ago now,<br />
And now his dad shoots himself.<br />
And people just keep saying how fucking selfish he is, but I get it.<br />
There is a point in your life where you just can't do it anymore.<br />
What happens then?Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-16165695018881269992013-11-17T19:38:00.000-08:002014-04-23T10:03:57.249-07:00RedSo I haven't cut in like 2 years.<br />
Until now.<br />
So yay relapse.<br />
It's nights like tonight that I wish I did some sort of drug just to make things easier.<br />
I have been drinking.<br />
Half of one of the really big bottles of wine, and I'm still going.<br />
And here I am.<br />
I tore my razor up so I could get a blade because none of my kitchen knives were sharp enough to break skin.<br />
But it's so nice.<br />
The blood is so pretty and it just..I forgot how fantastic the pain feels.<br />
Killian spent the night last night because you know he decided we could work or whatever and apparently I have a pahological problem.<br />
But anyway, so I let him meet my son, Henry, which I really don't do.<br />
I don't know what my fucking problem is or what caused me to trust him.<br />
So he stayed the night and we had really great sex and talked for hours and it was really good.<br />
And he said he was falling for me and that I'm wonderful and all this shit.<br />
And then we got up this morning and he played Star Wars Guess Who with Henry.<br />
And Henry likes him.<br />
And then once Killian leaves I get a text that says when he woke up he thought he was at his old place with his ex.<br />
And how he needs to take a breath.<br />
And he's not ready.<br />
Basically he's running when he promised me over and over last night that he wouldn't.<br />
I know that he has his own issues, believe me.<br />
But fuck, I thought I had been doing so much better and he just got me to open up so easily and I don't fucking get it.<br />
So now that's it.<br />
And I'm drunk and texting him stupid shit.<br />
But my arm looks so pretty in scarlet.Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-1417633824192997552013-11-14T08:43:00.005-08:002021-10-26T22:46:31.995-07:00ListI decided to make a list of the people I've slept with including a bit of detail on each.<br />
I know, I'm a slut. I just turned 24 and this is a lot of people. Notice a lot more came after my husband than before. I just needed to have a list somewhere so I wouldn't keep losing track of my number.<br />
Wow, 20. That's a lot. :/<br />
<br />
1) P.R. - First serious boyfriend; first almost everything; dated on and off for 3-ish years<br />
2) P.S. - Boyfriend; dated 3 months; had sex 1 time; first person to go down on me (also 1 time); virgin<br />
3) T.M. - Boyfriend; dated 3-ish months<br />
4) J.B. - Boyfriend; dated a little over a year; first anal<br />
5) J.C. - Boyfriend; dated about 1.5 years; virgin<br />
6) D.H. - Alcohol; dating Jerith first time; dated for like 2 weeks; hated him<br />
7) S.C. - Not boyfriend first time; married later; divorced; terrible decision; awesome sex (while it lasted)<br />
8) R.T. - Not boyfriend; messed around for a month or so with no real commitment<br />
9) T.N. - Alcohol; was married*; lived in Virginia and just happened the few times he was in AL or the once I was in Va.<br />
10) M.F. - Alcohol; was married* (sep); paid me the first time (I really needed to buy diapers); saw each other for several months regularly then it tapered off to a booty call every once in a while and ended finally about a year ago when he got a girlfriend; one last occurence 10/13 when I was contacted about a MMF threesome for his friend's birthday.<br />
11) Z.R. - Alcohol; was married* (sep); only true one night stand; met in bar and took home; never saw again after next day<br />
12) J.A. - Alcohol; was married*; yuck, bad decision I made a few times because of my loneliness and need for affection<br />
13) S.D. - Alcohol; was married*; one time; bad decision<br />
14) B.H. - Alcohol; was married*; once again, bad decisions; made me feel good for a while<br />
15) B.K. - Married* (sep); Tried dating for a short while; mostly FWB status; couldn't do FWB thing after a while plus he had a drug problem<br />
16) T.M. - Alcohol; Married* (sep); ONE TIME and it was horrendous so it shouldn't even count; bad bad decision (notice a pattern here?)<br />
17) J.J. - Boyfriend (in secret) for about 3 months; moved to MS; still in contact<br />
18) J.C. - Alcohol; FWB-ish for a few months; too old<br />
19) B.H. - Alcohol; Other person in threesome prev. mentioned with M.F.; several times the one night and that's it; still kind of in contact<br />
20) J.M. - Stupid decision I made 11/13/13; seemed like a good idea at the time.<br />
<br />
*All that say I was married occured after I found out Steven cheated on me.<br />
-If alcohol is listed, it means that at least the first occurence was the result of me being drunk, although possibly more or all were.Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-46348765630553941782013-10-24T14:00:00.001-07:002021-10-27T06:51:27.674-07:00Manipulation<p>So, I think I may be way more manipulative than I'd like to admit.<br />
Every time I see the descriptions for BPD, manipulative is one of the biggest negatives I see.<br />
This has always offended me, but I'm starting to think more and more that it may be true.<br />
I know everyone is manipulative to a point, but one thing sticks out from a few years ago, and I think it's starting to flare back up now.<br />
The year after I graduated high school, I was still dating a guy who was in high school (yeah, yeah, cougar, I know). <br />
Well, I broke up with him during the summer because I decided I was bored and I had other options.<br />
Well, a month or so later, I got sad and changed my mind, and we got back together.<br />
I was his first girlfriend, kiss, etc...<br />
Obviously, I also took his virginity.<br />
So anyway, when we got back together, he acted weird the whole time, and broke up with me a few weeks afterward.<br />
Unfortunately, the poor guy was nice and wanted to be honest, so he told me there was another girl at school he liked.<br />
I didn't even like him that much at that point, and I probably wouldn't have cared if not for that.<br />
I didn't want her to have him.<br />
So I waited until they had officially started dating, and then I told him he needed to come to my place and get his stuff.<br />
I (for lack of a better term) seduced him, and left a MASSIVE (like softball sized) hickey on his neck.<br />
I acted super apologetic and everything afterwards like I just got so passionate and didn't mean to, but it was totally on purpose.<br />
So of course, the next day at school she was super pissed and never spoke to him again.<br />
She did have a few choice words for me, but that only made the victory sweeter.<br />
After that, he wanted me back and I laughed at him.<br />
So anyway, flash forward to today.<br />
As I said, my ex husband's girlfriend called me a few days ago.<br />
I have continued talking to her all this time, and I haven't quite figured out why.<br />
She seems nice enough, but I always think of Steven cheating on me when I talk to her.<br />
We have discussed hooking up ourselves, which definitely interests me because I would at least like to try things out with a woman once to say I did.<br />
And I may still do that, but I think I figured out what I've really been doing.<br />
Even though steven and I are divorced, I hate him so I want to ensure this is screwed up for him.<br />
I know that he will just find someone else, but I want to destroy this.<br />
So I have passed on little things he has said about her in defense to me bringing her up.<br />
I am currently the only one who can visit him, and he is spitting the "I love you. I screwed up. You're the one for me, etc..." crap.<br />
I admit it's nice to hear.<br />
So I'm playing it a little.<br />
And it's like everyone is just playing into my hand.<br />
She wrote him a letter, and he wrote me and said he wants nothing to do with her and he hopes he never talks to her again. I have that in writing. So I told her what he said.<br />
It hurt her.<br />
A lot.<br />
But it also means Steven's bridge is burned.<br />
I think I like hurting people.<br />
At least ones that have hurt me.<br />
I can see her POV sometimes, but I also still know that she knew he was married and had a son, and she fucked my husband anyway.<br />
So I pretty much think she deserves it.</p>
Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-49467318671666187592013-10-21T05:53:00.002-07:002021-10-27T06:49:43.075-07:00LiesSo basically I have been divorced for a month or so. I have been separated for almost 1.5 years. Well, a few days ago, my ex got arrested for sleeping with his bosses daughter who is 16. She was 15 at the time they had sex. So he's probably going to prison. Then his girlfriend contacted me and proceeded to inform me that they have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. Now, I believe this because it lines up. I found pictures she had sent him at the time, and my son has mentioned her since then, so I knew something was up. I didn't realize that. Well, since then, we've been talking, and I've found out way more than I would ever like to know. 4 girls from work, a mom from daycare, random people on craigslist, God only knows how many more that there's not a paper trail for. Basically, I have discovered that there wasn't a moment in our marriage where he wasn't cheating on me. The worst part is he never even seemed to feel remotely guilty. You know those signs a man is cheating? He didn't have the majority of them. I think he seriously just lacks a conscience. I think my best friend was more right than she will ever know when she diagnosed him as a psychopath. He literally has no regard for anyone besides himself, and the worst part is he can make you think he does. It's all such fucking bullshit. I really do hope he gets locked up for a few years because he deserves it. His son doesn't need that man as an example of what a man is. He is not a man, he is a selfish, dick-driven child. I honestly think he is a sex addict, although he will never admit to it to get help. He is going to be like this for the rest of his life, and I might as well just accept it. I can't do what I really want and kill him.Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-27426312760075673032013-10-19T03:01:00.001-07:002021-10-26T23:43:49.213-07:00FeelingsSo, there's a guy I've known since 2008 that I have had an on/off text flirting thing with for years.<br />
He has a thing for pirate stuff, so I'm going to call him Killian.<br />
Nothing ever came of it, we would just text in between his girlfriends or whatever and flirt around.<br />
He also sent me a dick picture once, but whatever.<br />
So anyway, he messaged me a couple of weeks ago.<br />
He and his most recent girlfriend (of 2 years) had broken up.<br />
It wasn't like he messaged me trying to hook up or anything, we just talked a lot and eventually last Weds he asked me if I wanted to go out with him that Friday night.<br />
So I did. We went to eat and then came back to my house and watched a movie.<br />
We kissed some, but that was it.<br />
Then he continued texting me and being super sweet to me.<br />
I was off Monday so he came over shortly after I had taken my son to daycare and we just watched tv all day basically.<br />
We kissed a little more, but that was really it.<br />
So then Monday night he asks if I like having someone go down on me, and I'm like duh, so then he proceeds to tell me how much he likes it, and the conversation gets a little dirty, but then end point is that he wants to go down on me next time he sees me.<br />
So then he is sick and calls in to work Tuesday night (he works 3rd shift) so I offer that he come over when he wakes up Weds morning and I will make him soup and stuff.<br />
I wasn't thinking of any of the dirty stuff because I figured since he was sick it wasn't in the cards.<br />
So we watched a couple of things and ended up going to watch tv in my bedroom because it was cold and we could get under the covers.<br />
So of course we started kissing and one thing led to another until he ended up going down on me.<br />
It was good, but I was so in my head and distracted and nervous that I ended up faking.<br />
So then I was still horny so it progressed even more and we ended up having sex (where I faked it yet again).<br />
Then we cuddled some before I got up and had to get ready for work.<br />
So that was alright.<br />
But then I realize that we hadn't had a conversation about exclusivity, and this is a guy I actually like, not someone I can do the FWB thing with (although, as we all know, I have trouble with that anyway).<br />
So I make the mistake of asking him and (at least he's honest) he tells me he's been talking to one other girl and that things are really complicated because they have a complicated history and she is his, and I quote, "kryptonite."<br />
Now this is a girl I kind of know. We have a few friends in common and hung out in a group once.<br />
Actually, I drunkenly made out with her that night, but that doesn't seem pertinent to the story...<br />
Anyway, we're friends on facebook.<br />
Let's call her B.<br />
So he tells me this and I'm not really mad at him.<br />
I mean, we never had a conversation about exclusivity, it's my fault, I should have asked before I was a slut.<br />
But then B messages me on FB about this time and proceeds to tell me that not only were they talking, but he was telling her he loved her the night before and then came to my house and screwed me the next day.<br />
Knowing him as long as I have, I know that this situation was not his intention, but it's a crappy one.<br />
So anyway, I basically told him that if he was confused about who to "choose" then I would make it easier on him and eliminate myself from the equation.<br />
At the time I thought I was being quite grown up and mature about it, but I see now that I was probably being a little manipulative.<br />
But whatever, so he's saying he's so confused, and B is telling me that she's in love with him (and I'm pretty sure she's got some narcissistic personality disorder going on there anyway) and is basically throwing little jabs in the form of sisterly candor.<br />
But I play that game better than anyone so I knew what she was doing and just rolled with the punches.<br />
I ended up getting madder and madder though, and I kind of chewed Killian out for hurting me.<br />
A big thing is that I'm still really confused about my feelings for him. I know I like him, but this is some heavy shit for talking for just a couple of weeks.<br />
But now here I am clinging and fighting for something I don't even know if I want, and I know myself is not as important as I feel it is right now.<br />
But as the night progressed I just got more and more upset and ended up staying up until 3 am because my brain wouldn't stop ruminating and obsessing.<br />
So then I woke up at 6am (before the 4 year old!) and my stomach was in knots.<br />
I felt the need to tell him all of this.<br />
I don't know if I was trying to make him feel bad or what, but I was doing it.<br />
So anyway, B had told me last night that she was going to make him "face her" this morning, so when he texted me this morning I asked him how it went.<br />
After a lot of vague answers countered by my poking and prodding, I learned that they basically fought all morning but that he had come to the conclusion that no matter their feelings for each other (gag) it wouldn't work because there is just so much history and crap.<br />
Then he says that sometimes it seems like it would work with her, and sometimes it doesn't, but he truely believes it would work with me.<br />
So a part of me is like "yay I win."<br />
Then another part is like "crap this girl is gonna hate me now."<br />
Then another part is like "do I really want to be a part of this situation? What if it happens again? Is she going to be around?"<br />
But then they like sat at his house and watched TV together. Like, wtf?<br />
He said that was probably the last time he'd see her for a while.<br />
But then after all of our talking and stuff he said he was going to go take a nap and I asked if it was going to be alone because I remembered she had been there. And he was like well she's still at my house, but I can take the couch if it'll make you more comfortable.<br />
Really?! How is this, after all of that, a fucking question?<br />
He's supposed to come over in the morning because he was originally supposed to apologize or some shit in person but now that it is "resolved" at least as far as he is concerned, I don't know what that time will consist of.<br />
I will probably have sex with him because I am feeling so dejected and terrible right now.<br />
And even though the sex won't do anything for me physically, it will help with the crappy feelings.<br />
Although I know afterwards it'll be back to shit.<br />
Ugh. Life sucks.Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-78081397972432390712012-10-25T16:23:00.003-07:002013-11-14T08:46:12.014-08:00Ever feel like everything around you is caving in and the more things fall the less air you have to breathe until you just can't breathe anymore at all?<br />
That is me at this moment.<br />
I really really really can't handle the ridiculousness that is my life right now.Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-49425476379275264662012-10-16T20:52:00.000-07:002012-10-16T20:52:02.937-07:00Just one word...Why does the word FRIEND hurt so much?<br />
That word just does not seem to encapsulate situation.<br />
Friend? Really? Like the guy you work with?<br />
Like the guy who slept with your ex-fiance but now you're bff's?<br />
There just has to be a better word than that.<br />
And it's like you feel the need to emphasize the fact that I'm a friend.<br />
That we're not together.<br />
I'm not an idiot.<br />
I know this.<br />
I really wish I had the strength to just say fuck it and stop.<br />
But I can't.<br />
You're all I have.<br />
But you're just my friend.<br />
Like the girls at work I don't even really like.<br />
Just a friend...Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-62634652908180106302012-10-06T21:19:00.002-07:002012-10-06T21:19:17.249-07:00Thinking Too Much<span style="color: #444444;">I'm really sick of writing about the same thing over and over again.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">He doesn't want you Cami.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Wrap your little brain around it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">How can I continue to put myself right back in this situation?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Is this not the textbook definition of insanity?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I keep falling back into the pattern and repeating every single idiotic mistake.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">All while hoping this time will be different.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">He will realize his mistake.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">For one thing, the current male is still so wrapped around and shoved up the ass of his ex that he couldn't do this even if it wasn't for Seth.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">And then with the case of Seth, it pretty much puts the nails in the coffin.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I am honestly so fucked up lately.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I literally can' function normally.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I shake and get dizzy at work when we get busy or I encounter a particularly stressful situation.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I've never had problems like that.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I've always been really good under pressure.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">But it seems like I'm just so under pressure in every fucking aspect of life that I can't maintain my equilibrium.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I cry at the drop of a hat.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I get pissed and go into rages.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I've trained myself to just shut down mostly, so no one gets the full force of my rage except Seth and my mother.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Seth just gets caught in the crossfire.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I really sit and think more and more lately that he'd just be better off with Steven.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I don't know if that is actually true, but I know that I feel like the worst mother in the world between work and school and whatever else.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">And I resent him.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">It's so hard to admit it, but I do.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I mean, if I can be rejected so easily because of him now, why not in the future?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I feel like he is what is holding me back from finding somone.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">And I know the theory that if the person can't accept and love your child, then he doesn't deserve you, but that's hard.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Maybe I'm just desperate.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Or maybe I just got hit a little too hard on my first time out in the wild.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">This guy has literally been the person to get me through this divorce.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">And he is so nice and has done so much for me.<br />And I have so many feelings, but they don't matter.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Because no matter how nice he is or how much he seems to really care about my well-being, that's where it ends.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">He can fuck me.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">He can spend time with me and make me feel like I matter.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">But that's it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Because Seth gets in the way.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I love Seth, I do.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">But there are a LOT of days I wish he didn't exist.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">And I know I'm going to go to the special hell for admitting it, but it's true.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I'm just so tired of being so sad and so angry all of the time.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">It's like I'm a landmine, just waiting. Just the right thing happens or is said and I explode.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Ugh.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I'm going to go before I get even more worked up.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Bedtime.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;"></span>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-11125037590590097942012-10-01T16:45:00.002-07:002012-10-01T16:48:59.611-07:00Fucking Friends with Fucking Benefits...or not so much?<span style="color: #444444;">Argh...</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Why can't I get out of my head?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Why do I have to let my stupid fucking emotions and stupid fucking crazy thoughts ruin everything?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">This evening could be perfectly nice.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I've had several days of seemingly never ending shit days at work, and my body hurts.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">And I'm pissed off.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Sex is good. It can help with these things.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">But here I fucking am over thinking and getting sad and stupid.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">FUCK THIS.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">It doesn't fucking matter.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Why is it okay when I am the one who wants sex?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Why does it only feel like I am being used and will be alone forever now?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Is that true?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Sex is good.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Better than good.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I've been fine with this FWB thing.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">It's been working.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Except for those couple of hiccups.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Thinking about it, though...those are kind of the things that make us FWB and not a couple.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">IE: Other girls.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Maybe I have deluded myself into thinking that I was doing a great job with this FWB thing when in actuality I haven't been serious about it being that.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I mean, really, we don't just fuck.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">We talk and play games and have fun. And cuddle.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">And hug. And genuinely care for each other.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">So the differences between this and a relationship are?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">No L word.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Um....That's all I can think of besides the obvious which is the problem.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I can't handle the idea of there being other girls.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Why the fuck not?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I'm fucking nuts, that's why.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">The only issues I've had since we've become this whatever the fuck we are:</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">-He got fucking livid about some chick he had a thing for apparently having a retarded view on something. I proceeded to flip out and have a fucking breakdown because of this.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">-He mentioned seeing a girl (that I know but have only ever exchanged like 2 words with) at a party that he and Viv had discussed having a fling with and seemed interested in pursuing. My birthday. Fucking shit. I don't even think I said anything. I think I just cried while he was there and moped and slept when he was here and he had no clue of the feelings.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">-Fucking little girl. I already had twinges of jealousy when we were seeing each other because of this one. But now he seems genuinely interested. She's like 5. Not that it matters. This one hurts most. It sunk in when he couldn't stop texting her not just when I was there, which would have been rude enough, but when we were literally fooling around. Like...seriously? Do I mean that fucking little? Am I really not important enough to just be able to focus on me for THAT BIT OF TIME?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Ugh. Why does it fucking matter?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Why can't I handle it?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I don't want him to leave me.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I'm sure that's a lot of it.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I need to be supreme female.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I don't know why, but it fucking hurts when I'm not.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Ugh.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">So what does this mean?</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I don't know.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">I don't want to stop.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Maybe I can pretend everything is okay tonight.</span><br />
<span style="color: #444444;">Then I will figure it out.</span>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-58806664529793929372012-08-22T09:32:00.000-07:002012-08-22T09:35:54.379-07:00Delving Into Promiscuity a Bit More<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><strong>This is another blog entry that I found </strong></span><a href="http://downwardspiralintothevortex.blogspot.com/2011/07/why-are-borderlines-so-sexual.html"><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><strong>here</strong></span></a><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><strong>. I just really related to it and it seemed to say the words better than I can. Since I was on the subject of promiscuity yesterday, I thought I'd post it. As usual, outside text is in black, mine is in another color. I think today I will use purple. :)</strong></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><strong>I will be highlighting extra pertinent stuff, too.</strong></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><strong>The Why’s of Sex, Promiscuity, and Borderline Personality Disorder:</strong></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;">Why are you so sexual my dear Borderline? That’s a good question isn’t it? One that does not come with a quick answer. This is a first. I’ve found almost no information on why sex seems to be such a prominent feature of Borderline Personality Disorder. What I have found has been only a paragraph or a sentence here or there. So let’s look at what I’ve found, what I feel, and what some of my own theories are.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">One of the more obvious theories as to why people with BPD have such reckless sex lives is the fact that they <span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;">constantly feel emotional emptiness</span><span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;">. “Even when they find a stable emotional relationship their fear of abandonment causes them to become paranoid about the stability of their relationship and the validity of the love coming from their partner.</span> A possibility for the reasoning behind sex and borderline personality disorder is that the sufferer of BPD actually tries to self-sabotage their relationship in order to end the relationship before they are actually abandoned by their partner. Another theory as to reckless sex and borderline personality disorder is that <span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;">the BPD sufferer actually gets an emotional high from bonding with the sexual partner even if only for a short time. They are literally trying to fill in emptiness inside themselves and they try and try to fill that void with sex</span>. After having a sexual affair the person with borderline personality disorder may not have the same amount of guilt as someone with non-BPD. The reason is projection; oftentimes people with borderline personality disorder project their negative behaviors onto others including their partners. This means that someone </span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: black; mso-themecolor: text1;">with borderline personality disorder who is having a reckless sexual affair may have a tendency to build a fake affair that their spouse or loved one is having in their head. They literally make themselves believe that their partner is also cheating and that they are therefore justified in having their reckless sexual affair.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: black; mso-themecolor: text1;"></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;">A previous article I mentioned notes that there may be a number of reasons for the more negative attitudes about sex. “First, many women with BPD are survivors of child abuse, which may contribute to overall negative reactions to adult sexual experiences. Also, women with BPD are more likely to experience a great deal of conflict in their relationships, so they may feel less positive about sex because relationships in general feel less fulfilling.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;">Having these negative attitudes doesn’t however, justify why we may still have an attitude directed towards reckless sex. I would take this from a different angle and say that perhaps due to previous abuse there is a subconscious need for approval where it was not given, withheld, or used against us. Overt sexual behavior may be a way of taking back control, exerting control in the present where control was once absent.</span><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: #d9d2e9;"><span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;">Also, knowing that we have the ability to interest and consume someone with our sexuality or ability to seduce them is a form of validation of our own self-worth.</span><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><o:p><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color: #674ea7;">I think this is a HUGE part of it for me. It's like I said in the promiscuity post. A lot of the time I don't even want to have sex. I just want the other person to want to.</span> </strong></span></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"></span></span><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">So there’s that. <span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;">To fill an emotional emptiness with a physical,</span> well ::grins:: I don’t have an argument for this. I also believe that when it comes to sex, people with BPD are more likely to be sexually open and adventurous. We can be virtually uninhibited. Or exactly the opposite. I’ve noticed a trend towards the extremes. Either we’re all or nothing. So you may have borderlines like myself that are ALL for sex or those that have severe issues from resultant traumatic experiences and avoid it whenever possible. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;">Another theory comes from Thomas R. Lynch, a psychologist at Duke University. He and his colleagues found a clue in the reading of facial expressions. “The researchers asked 20 adults with BPD and 20 mentally healthy people to watch a computer-generated face change from neutral to emotional. They told subjects to stop the changing image the moment they had identified the emotion. On average, the <span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;">people with BPD correctly recognized both the unpleasant expressions and the happy faces at a much earlier stage than the other participants did. The results suggest that BPD patients are hyperaware of even subtly emotive faces—problematic in people who are intensely reactive to other people’s moods. So, for example, a hint of boredom or annoyance on a person’s face that most people would not notice might produce anger or fears of abandonment in a person with BPD. Conversely, someone with BPD might see a happy expression as a sign of love and react with inappropriate passion, leading to the whirlwind, stormy romances that rock the lives of people with BPD.</span>”</span><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><o:p><span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><strong>This is HUGELY interesting to me. I've mentioned several times before that I feel like I have a weird ability to know when something is afoot. So this kind of explains that. I am going to do some research to see if this has been investigated further. It makes a lot of sense and explains why even when someone thinks I'm overreacting, I tend to be right in the end most of the time. Like I know stuff they aren't telling me.</strong></span></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I’ve talked about </span><a href="http://downwardspiralintothevortex.blogspot.com/2011/03/hypersensitivty-conceptions-of.html"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-themecolor: text1; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">hypersensitivity</span></span></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"> before. It’s very easy to read too much into what we see in someone else and I do think this theory has some validity, but I don’t think it’s substantial all on its own. This may be a contributing factor but not the main reason.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="color: black; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;">I’ve said before that <span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;">I use sex as a means to be close, but not too </span><span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;">close. It’s comforting. It allows that very real, very human connection that makes me feel less hollow and alone, while maintaining my safeguards</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been so hurt and traumatized due to past abuse and experiences that while some part of me does need this closeness, at the same time I do not trust it. There’s something more personal about letting someone into my mind, than into my body. <span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;">If I can distract them with my body, they’ll have proven themselves not trustworthy enough to get into my mind, but at the same time, I have someone near. I’ll have validated my own paranoia and satisfied my need to not be </span><span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;">alone. How’s that for messed up. When I’m alone I feel empty. Sex is one of those ultimate expressions of being not alone. Having your life literally interwined in the arms and legs of another, it’s an encompassing experience, without being completely consumed</span>. There’s the ability to maintain a distance while holding someone close. Or <span style="background-color: #d9d2e9;">maybe there’s some overdeveloped primitive instinct that if we find a partner, let them into our lives in such a way, we will develop a bond. And from there maybe a lasting one. The more partners, the greater the likelihood of this happening. </span></span></span></div>
Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-51223918996990420692012-08-22T07:57:00.000-07:002012-08-22T09:37:04.234-07:00Seriously Batting a Thousand Here<span style="font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif'; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: black;">This really fucking sucks.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Calibri','sans-serif'; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="color: black;">Like...really.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">What is so wrong with me?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Am I really not good enough for anyone?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Every single guy I have had any sort of anything with in the past...hm...at least since Steven...has not actually wanted me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Well, it’s been the “I really like you, but...blah blah” bullshit.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Or worse, the “I don’t deserve you” or “You’re too good for me.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">What a fucking cop-out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Maybe the key is sex.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Maybe sleeping with someone so early really is negative.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Maybe I need to use the “Think Like a Man” approach and put a 90-day counter on it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">But could I really do that?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Do I have that much self-control?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Plus, it would mean me cutting off all sex currently.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Part of me wants to just continue down this path I’m on, but it seems pretty fucking hopeless.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Sleeping with someone just to sleep with them.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I guess part of me still hopes he will change his mind.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I don’t count on it or anything.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Just a small hope. Especially some of his occasional remarks.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Yuck, I don’t know.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">It’s not actually bad how it is currently.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">It’s never been my thing before, but it’s working now.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">But if I just keep up with this how will I ever meet anyone else?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Anyone with potential?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">But do I really need to be meeting anyone right now, anyway?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Maybe this is a good, harmless situation to be in until I’m ready to move on?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">But what about him? How does that affect him? I’m not using him. I’d be with him if he had any interest in it. He doesn’t. So I guess we’re kind of on the same page.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Ugh. I don’t know. I don’t think I will handle it very well when he moves on.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">My thought process will be “Oh, so she’s good enough to date. She’s worth it. I’m not.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Why am I so fucking nutso?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I just really don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">And I don’t want to settle for someone I don’t even really like just to not be alone.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Although I have a really hard time even deciphering when that’s happening nowadays.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I feel really crappy about myself as a person.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">And about my looks.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I have been reading another borderline memoir, and she talks a lot about anorexia and I just really wish I could do that. I mean, I’m borderline, that’s common with us. I don’t even want to be super skinny. Just like back to pre-Seth. I like having some curves. Just not quite as many as I have now. haha.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I’m just already so unhealthy with this stupid cancer stuff and my suck enough immune system besides that, that I get really weak and dizzy from just going a little more than a day without eating.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">There’s got to be a solution to that, though, right?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Like on “The Devil Wears Prada” when that chick says she’s on a diet that she doesn’t eat, and then when she feels like she’s about to faint, she eats a cheese cube. I wonder if that would really help with the faint-ness?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">/sigh<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Anyway, back to my original point.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I’m tired of guys making me feel like I’m worth something and maybe I have found someone that can handle all of my crap and being wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I really just want to say screw it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">But everyone else is telling me that I need to make a list of (reasonable) qualities that are completely necessary and stick to them.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I guess it’s what I need to do so I don’t get caught up in all this bullshit of people using me and me ending up feeling useless or worthless.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">But my question is, do I have time to wait for that?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I don’t know how much longer I have left to have another kid.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I want another one.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">But, then again, I don’t need to have one just to have one.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I want to do it right next time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I just worry about myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">And money. I have technically supported myself since I was 18, but I have always at least had a roommate or something. And now I have Seth AND me, and I make less than what my bills are, so I am always in debt and always short money.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I could get a second job if I wasn’t in school.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">But that’s important, right?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">For me and Seth?<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">For me to have a better job where I CAN support us and not live paycheck to paycheck.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Hell, I don’t know.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">All I do know is that something’s gotta give.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I can’t keep on this way.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I keep having to let people help me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">And I hate it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I hate feeling needy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I don’t know how this got to here.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">I was complaining about men.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">/sigh<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Okay, let me straighten this out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">My goals:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Find a better job/way to make more money<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Lose weight (find a way to not eat that doesn’t make me sick? Binge/Purge? Diet plan?)<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Kick ass in school so I can graduate and solve problem 1<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Find a guy that fits at least a few qualities I want:<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Accepts that Seth and I are a package deal and can deal with the reality of being in his life</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Wants (a) kid(s)</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Has a good job/is in school with an acceptable job</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Can manage money reasonably</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">5.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Likes videogames but realizes there are more important things</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">6.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Have some common interests so we have things to discuss</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">7.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Have some uncommon interests, trying something new is always fun!</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">8.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Can watch his mouth/language in front of Seth</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">9.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doesn’t talk down to me</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">10.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Supports my need to go to school/work</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">11.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Believes education and intelligence are important</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">12.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Doesn’t smoke or use recreational drugs</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">13.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Has a car</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">14.</span><span style="font: 7pt 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Has a good sense of humor</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="color: black;">Those are all I can come up with...maybe I can add more later? lol<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Okay, I am done. I will try to go do work stuff now.</span></span></div>
Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-91452460418812222782012-08-21T12:04:00.002-07:002012-08-21T12:09:34.548-07:00Fuck Away the Feelings (BPD Criterion 4: Impulsivity {Specifically Promiscuity})<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0.25in; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-themecolor: text1;">·</span><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><strong><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-themecolor: text1;">Impulsivity</span></strong><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-themecolor: text1;"> in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">I think I partially fall into a few of these categories but don’t fit them enough to qualify; however, one of these</span><span style="color: #0b5394;"> I think I probably exhibit beyond the necessary point enough that it probably makes up for the slack in the other areas: sex.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-themecolor: text1;">(Why the fuck won't this turn blue? It should be blue...)<br />I will start by pointing out that my promiscuity in general can be explained/defined by more than just this criterion. I think the reason for its severity is because it is caused by so many factors. I’ll list some of them, but this is not an exhaustive list:</span><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: black; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-themecolor: text1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Abandonment</span> issues (criteria 1)<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: black; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-themecolor: text1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Craving inappropriate attention, excitement<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: black; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-themecolor: text1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Crisis</span><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> – especially triggered by boredom phases, abandonment and many other emotional triggers (criteria 6)<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: black; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-themecolor: text1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Feeling unworthy, unwanted and general low-self esteem that makes any level of attention so much more than it may really be (criteria 2)<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: black; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-themecolor: text1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Self-harm</span><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"> (criteria 5)<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: black; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-themecolor: text1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Lack of Identity (criteria 3)<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: black; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-themecolor: text1; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Filling the ever-present feeling of emptiness (criteria 7)<o:p></o:p></span></span></li>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">I may have already said this, but I have slept with a lot of people. Like an unreasonable amount considering my age and relationship standing. Sex started out for me as a relationship thing. As I have said before, I jumped from relationship to relationship without so much as a pause to catch my breath. Since my first time (which was with someone I dated on and off for almost 4 years), I moved to the next guy with the assumption that being in a relationship (especially one headed for marriage like all of mine <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">undoubtedly</i> were) meant having sex. So with each boyfriend it became easier and it happened earlier. Almost proportionally, my relationships also got shorter. Most of my relationships, though, fortunately weren’t with the (excuse my phrasing) “hit it and quit it” types. After my fifth* boyfriend, (coincidentally the summer after I graduated high school and my first summer out on my own) I had sex with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with for the first time. I was drunk. I had known him for a few months since Andrea worked with him. He was not even really very attractive to me, but he wanted me and that made it worth it. After that night, we tried to date for a few weeks, but I honestly couldn’t stand him so it didn’t last long. I apparently “broke his heart” because he “loved me,” so he still has never spoken to me again to this day.<br />I’d like to follow a tangent for just a moment and point out that, although I am the one that is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">mentally </i></b>and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">emotionally unstable</i></b>, I have had more guys tell me they love me first than the other way around. And it’s usually crazy shit, too. Like I sleep with someone and they love me the next morning or even during. It’s seriously retarded. Like, you’ve known me for like 12 hours...you don’t love me. But whatever, end of tangent.<br />Moving on...After that guy, being “in a relationship” became much more of a metaphysical thing for me. I mean, I had Steven who lived in Wisconsin and who I traded naughty pictures with and had phone sex with when I was feeling lonely or needy or sometimes just bored. And in my head he didn’t count as cheating (although if someone else was doing the same thing, I would have hit the roof.) After that one guy came a lot of semi-dating. Steven came down to meet (aka: sleep with) me. After that, I kind of started dating a guy I was working at the office supply place with. By dating I mean we made out in his car a lot and he came over twice when Andrea wasn’t home and we had sex. On the floor and in her bed (which is still funny to me). After that I kind of only hung out with him occasionally because, as per usual, I was getting tired of him. Steven came down again and I slept with him. Then I ended it with the other guy (whose heart I also “broke”) and kind of dated Steven and, except for the fact that he lived 800 miles away and was about to deploy to Iraq, it was good. I stayed faithful to him completely (ironically) and that went well. Oh wait, except for the fact that he was cheating on me at every turn and I kept finding Myspace messages, emails, texts, etc... showing me what was going on. I guess I deserved it, though. Maybe that’s why he’s the one I clung to so hard. Because I thought that if I was good enough I could keep him and he would be only for me. So in December when he proposed after 4 months of knowing each other on anything more than a long-distance level, I accepted. I was faithful to him all his time leading up to and while he was in Iraq (including the time before I was/knew I was pregnant.) And then he got home and all hell broke loose since he had had a couple of relationships over there and one thing after another that I was pretty much just sick of it. So that’s when I really went on the “sex binge” as I like to call it.<br />When Steven and I got married, I had slept with seven people. At this point, I have slept with fifteen, and I am just recently separated and not even divorced yet. After the cheating thing with Steven, we separated and I think that is where my borderline self really took control. I went on a road trip with Andrea to visit her boyfriend who lived a few states away and slept with his roommate. Really just because. Even though he literally said that “bigger girls” weren’t his type and hurt my feelings constantly and was really just a super jerky person in general, I did it and finally felt at least a little bit wanted. A few times after that he came into my area for work and we met up, but that’s all that ever was. After him was a guy from work who originally paid me and that was a nice feeling. That I was worth actual money that could be used to buy Seth diapers and pay rent. After the first few times, though, we started seeing each other fairly regularly. He, also, was a jerk. And when Steven begged me to take him back, I did. And subsequently I broke it off with the guy. Steven was rarely in town, though, and when he was, we were having a lot of problems concerning sex. So when that guy asked me to meet him later on, I did. And it became a thing that occasionally he would text me and we would meet in a parking lot or (very rarely) go to his (and his parents’) house (when no one was home, of course). I pretty much felt obligated and he made me feel like crap when I didn’t meet up with him. So, as much as I hate to admit it, that was going on as recently as the beginning of this year. We didn’t have sex, though. I would give him a blowjob and he would make me feel like I was amazing, a goddess even, for being able to make him feel like that with my mouth. So even though I hated it and it was degrading and made me feel so used it was unreal, a little part of me loved it.<br />So after that there was sort of a parade of guys. Somewhere soon after that guy I got put in the psych ward for a weekend and had to go to daily psych classes for like two weeks, and that helped for a minute. But then I just could see more and more how much Steven really didn’t care and my anger just grew and grew and the only way to feel like I was worth something was having someone <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want</i> me. So I had a one-night stand with a disgusting guy and had flings with a few more, but nothing really filled me up like it was supposed to. Most of the time, I just wanted the feeling of someone wanting to have sex with me and didn’t actually want the sex. But by that point I felt guilty and let them do it anyway because, as Rizzo says, “that’s the worst thing a girl could do.” So I decided I was going to try to be I my marriage and do what I was supposed to do, and for the most part I did. I mean, I slipped up a few times and may have said more in a text than was appropriate, but that was the extent of it.<br />But the cold hard truth of it was that I wasn’t getting what I needed from Steven, and he wasn’t willing to do anything to make it happen. So I found someone else (we already know this one) and kind of clung to him throughout the whole filing for divorce thing. And I had told myself that it was a special thing so I wasn’t going to sleep with him right away because I wanted him to respect me and think better of me than that. But I forgot all those reasons when the time came and he asked why I wouldn’t. So I did and it was amazing and ohmygosh. But of course, it didn’t last either. I thought we were actually in a relationship and he had only ever been with one person and it was fine. But now I’m positive for HSV because I’m a whore and sleep around and so was his ex and he just got caught in the middle of two whores. And I guess that means that my sexual promiscuity should end here and I hope it does but I have terrible judgment especially in the moment. And right now we are still sleeping together despite him making it perfectly clear that we are not going to be together. Which I have weirdly accepted. But I am just scared for the next page I guess because I don’t know really where to go from here or what to do.<br />I know that the promiscuity has always been about that rush. Sleeping with someone the first few times, that feeling of passion and heat and just wanton <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">need</b> is what keeps me going. It’s what gives me light when all I have is darkness. When I get to the point where I don’t have that feeling of being wanted or needed at all, I feel unnecessary. It’s at that point that I get suicidal. So really, being a whore has kept me from killing myself. I don’t know what’s worse, though, being dead or being a whore. /sigh</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">*For the purposes of this blog, we will be considering the guy I lost my virginity to as my first boyfriend and counting from there. I had many many more boyfriends before him, but since we didn't do so much as "french kiss," I won't be counting them. Also since I couldn't count how many of those there were if I wanted to. :p</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-size: 7.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-themecolor: text1;"><o:p>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Recurrent suicidal behavior</span></strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt;">, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior </span>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Emotional instability</span></strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt;"> due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) </span>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts</span></strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt;"> or severe dissociative symptoms</span></li>
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</o:p></span>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-69926086422818550822012-08-21T08:31:00.001-07:002012-08-21T08:45:17.120-07:00Mirror, Mirror: (BPD Criterion 3: Identity Disturbance)<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;">
<strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Identity disturbance: </span></strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">There are sudden and dramatic shifts in self-image, characterized by shifting goals, values and vocational aspirations. There may be sudden changes in opinions and plans about career, sexual identity, values and types of friends. These individuals may suddenly change from the role of a needy supplicant for help to a righteous avenger of past mistreatment. Although they usually have a self-image that is based on being bad or evil, individuals with borderline personality disorder may at times have feelings that they do not exist at all. Such experiences usually occur in situations in which the individual feels a lack of a meaningful relationship, nurturing and support.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is definitely something I have a problem with. Identity? What identity?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I guess I need to address the sexual identity thing first. I will get more into my issues with promiscuity in the next entry on impulsivity, but I will address one part here. I don’t consider myself a lesbian. I don’t even consider myself bisexual. That being said, I don’t really know what I am. I know that I like men. I like sex with men. Well, some of them. haha. To be fair, though, I don’t have a frame of reference for women. I’ve never done anything sexual with a woman. I’ve only ever kissed women. I mean, I’ve kissed a lot of women, but only ever kissed. </span><span style="font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can remember having fantasies about women as far back as the seventh grade. I even remember telling my best friend at the time about my feelings and curiosities and telling her that if she ever wanted to kiss a girl, I hoped it would be me. This was in middle school, so it was obviously before I ever did kiss a girl. The idea is so taboo in the area where I grew up that I just sort of pushed it to the back of my mind and let it only be fantasies until college. The night I had my first drink is when I kissed a girl for the first time. Since then, the only times it’s ever happened is when alcohol is present. I wasn’t shitfaced drunk every time, although I pretended to be to avoid judgment, but I think the alcohol was necessary as a sort of liquid bravery, if you will.<br />I think that I would be willing to explore further with a woman if given the option. I just never have had it. I really would like to at this point in my life when I’m not exactly constrained to a relationship. I’ve been having a lot of dreams of the sort lately, and I’ve been noticing women a lot more. But I don’t know. I doubt it will happen, though. I don’t know how to tell when a woman is interested. It’s a completely different game. Plus there are the social ramifications. I would die if most anyone found out. Andrea says that borderlines struggle a lot with not being sure about their sexuality and that it’s basically not really real. I don’t know. I think the problem is that I don’t think I’m brave enough to be bisexual. I think it will just always be a fantasy in my head.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6;">Honestly, I don’t know who I am truly. As I’ve mentioned before, I have the “chameleon problem.” I tend to be more like the people I am around. Which, everyone does this to a point. Especially in school years, people will pretend to like things they don’t or do things they don’t so they will fit in. And sure, I did this <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember being in junior high raving about how much I liked the band BB Mac when I never really thought they were very good. But what I’m talking about is more than that. It’s more than just pretending to like something.</span></div>
</span></span><span style="color: #3d85c6;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s actually making decisions, having opinions, likes and dislikes based on other people. I honestly don’t know what I would like if it wasn’t for other people. Which, it could be argued that everyone is introduced to most things by someone else. My problem is that nine times out of ten, if something is introduced to me by someone I want to like me, I will like it. Even if it means watching, doing, reading, or whatever that thing over and over until I can like it</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I mean, I am a part of many fandoms. I think those are real things that I like. That’s why they are so important to me. Like Harry Potter. I know it’s lame, but I have been through so many relationships and friendships in the past 15 years, but those books were my constant. They were something I could always count on. I think, also, though, that I just like the feeling of being part of a fandom. Having people that relate to me and laugh at the same jokes as me and feel overly attached to fictional characters like me.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #3d85c6; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But anyway, to get off my tangent... I tend to try to blend in with my surroundings. I get called two-faced a lot. I try really hard to not be like that. I have gotten a lot better about it, but it’s hard. I may like person x just fine, but if one of my “pedestal people” (to refer back to idealization) doesn’t like that person, I will pretend to not like them either. I will possibly even trash talk him or her. I just have this overt need for people to like me. Even people I don’t like. I can’t stand the idea of being disliked.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;">
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Impulsivity</span></strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt;"> in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) </span>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Emotional instability</span></strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt;"> due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) </span>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Chronic feelings of emptiness</span></strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt;"> </span>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts</span></strong><span style="font-family: 'Verdana', 'sans-serif'; font-size: 10pt;"> or severe dissociative symptoms</span></li>
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Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-63452176559547577622012-07-29T13:25:00.003-07:002021-10-26T23:20:32.359-07:00Fucked Up<span style="color: black;">Life is sufficiently fucked up lately.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I don't know what in the hell I'm doing.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I feel like I'm just floating around wherever the wind takes me.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Boy and I officially split.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Who didn't see that coming?</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I knew the Seth thing would end up being a deal breaker, plus we had some other issues, too.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">He's a great guy, and I think we could have potentially been a good pairing given different settings.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">So. Now I'm alone again.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Which is cool, I guess.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Not really. I don't know.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I went on a date with Travis.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">It was actually a lot of fun.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Surprisingly so.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I've never actually thought of him that way, so I thought it would be weird.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">But we had tons to talk about. And I had forgotten how hilarious he is.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">It was nice.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I don't know.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">It's weird.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">And I feel like the arcade skank.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Haha.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Is that funny?</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I don't know.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">He apparently really likes me though, and I had no clue.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I'm just trying to let things play out and see how they go.</span>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-9813932572465105592012-07-08T12:41:00.001-07:002012-07-08T12:42:29.182-07:00Angry Rant Turns Crying Rant<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I am <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">so fucking frustrated</b>.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I am seriously about to just say fuck it and be done.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">This is the most screwed up situation, and I have no clue what to do about it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">He is freaking killing me here.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">First of all, why can’t he just accept that <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I know when something is wrong</b>?</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I’ve explained it. I pick up very well on small queues, and I spend a lot of time around him, so I know when something is wrong.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Just be fucking honest.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It hurts so badly, and it’s so hard to just let it go and not think about it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">That’s how my brain is wired...</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I am bad enough about thinking into things in my head as it is, but when you add the insecurity that I’m feeling with this entire situation, it’s almost unbearable.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">My brain automatically takes everything that is said and dices it into inferences and assumptions.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">For instance: Last night he says that I may find some guy while out with my friends to steal me away.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">If this was me, that would be said because I wanted reassurance that it wasn’t going to happen.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I know that’s not the case, though.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">He seems to know that he’s got me wrapped around his finger.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">So, I guess another logical option would be that he was just joking, but my brain then has the problem of, why even bring something like that up?</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">If you’re going to joke or talk about something crazy that could happen, why not say I may slip, fall, and slide into the pins?</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Here’s the problem.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It’s like he <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">wants</i> me to break up with him.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">He doesn’t want to be the one to break my heart, so he’s hoping I will do it instead.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I don’t know for sure that it’s the case, but it seems that way.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">He’s always talking about me “finding someone.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Or he’s telling me all of these things I should dislike about him, and asking if I do.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I just don’t get it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">If you want to end it, end it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I guess all I can come up with is that he’s torn.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Maybe he wants to, but there are other reasons he doesn’t want to.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Or maybe he just doesn’t want to hurt me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Or maybe he doesn’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">want to</i>, per say, but he feels that he has to for some reason.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Or maybe it’s none of these, and he’s still thinking and deciding like we agreed.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It just doesn’t seem like the latter because he just gets into these modes of resolve when a decision is made, and this feels like that mode.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Or, it did, until last night.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I was feeling all super depressed and detach-y.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And I drank just a little, but enough to have my head screaming, “okay, you’re about to go into emotional shut down.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">So it was basically I needed to feel wanted really badly or I was going to break down and start crying at him (which went so well the last time, right?).</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">So I went with the first option and said I didn’t want to talk because I don’t need to make things worse by trying to tell him how I feel about crap when it obviously doesn’t matter.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">So, that worked. And then he was cuddly and all sweet.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And he was sweet this morning.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I just wish it wasn’t so back and forth.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I hate to paraphrase Katy Perry, but geeze, this hot and cold thing is killing me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It’s like I’m back on eggshells, never knowing what to expect.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And in my head I’m saying that if he wants to end it, he just should.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Or I should to nix all the bad feelings he would have.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">But I just don’t want to.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It’s like for him this is just a thing.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I’m just another girl that liked him so he went along with it.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">But for me it’s like having this person you’ve wanted for so long.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And you’ve thought about what it would be like and how great it would be and built it up in your imagination for so long.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And it’s finally real.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And I kind of wish it was terrible because maybe it would be easier for him to end it.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">But it’s not. It’s sickeningly close to how I thought it would be.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I mean, of course, there are issues, there always are.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">But when I’m happy and just enjoying time with him and not worrying about all of this stuff, I am so freaking happy.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Like...just...content.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I don’t remember when the last time I had that was.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It’s so hard knowing that what we are to him and what we are to me are so different.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And now I’m crying...at work...yuck.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I just wish I didn’t feel like the odd person out in every single part of my life.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And then there’s the problem that it’s obvious that he is interested in a FWB relationship when he breaks up with me.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I don’t want to say it because it makes me feel super shitty just thinking it could be true, but part of me thinks that the only reason he’s still in it right now is because he is enjoying having someone to have sex with.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">If he finds someone else before our arrangement is up, I’m out.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">He keeps making comments about being FWBs.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I just don’t think he has any clue how much little comments like that hurt.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Like the bowling thing, or talking about us being FWBs if/when we break up.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It makes me just want to sit and cry thinking that I have spent the past month trying to prove that I’m worth it and that we have a real shot and that he has spent it getting more and more detached from me and contemplating how he can still get laid once he dumps me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I mean, I may be exaggerating, but the principle applies.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">The fucked up part of that is that I would more than likely agree to it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">But it would be for the wrong reasons.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It would be very bad for me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I am attached, I am so attached.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And not even like a codependent “need someone to need” attachment, but like a genuine, “I like this person being mine and don’t want to lose them” attachment.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">So, because of that, I am sure I would agree.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And, yes, being able to continue with the naughty would be wonderful. Fantastic, even.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">But I can’t do it no matter how much I say I can or want to or anything else.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I can say sex is just sex until I am blue in the face, but for me, it’s not.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I am learning that I am wrong in thinking that sex is love.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And that I can accept, even if I have difficulty with it occasionally.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">But I am not one of those people who can completely detach emotionally and sleep with someone.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It is an emotional experience, letting someone be as close to you as anyone can be. Letting someone <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">inside</b> of you. And the kissing and touching and feeling of being desired.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It’s not just a physical thing.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">So I would be getting emotional fulfillment while he was getting physical fulfillment, and then I would be repeatedly hurt when I was reminded that sex is all we have.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And eventually he would find someone else, and that would be a whole other problem in itself.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I don’t think I could say it out loud, but I know that if I continued with the sex after we broke up, I would be hoping that somehow he would realize he was wrong, or missed me, or something like that and want me back.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Logically, I know it’s not true, but it would be my underlying thought.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">My subconscious is sick and twisted and, most of all, irrational.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">That’s why, if I didn’t already have what he does, I most likely do now.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Because my fucked up idiotic subconscious somehow thought that I would seem more valuable if I didn’t care.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And if he was going to stick with me, I really honestly wouldn’t, but since he seems hell bent on ending it, I’m going to be in the same screwed position he is in.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Not that it’s really his fault. He didn’t know.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">But he does know now, and he even cried saying that he felt so terrible for putting me at risk...</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I wonder where that went?</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Out the window with his openness and honesty I suppose. Or with his willingness to make this work.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I mean, I understand the Seth thing, I really do, but it fucking sucks.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It really does.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">And I feel like something is wrong with me. Like I’m defective.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I have such a hard time with resenting Seth.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">It’s not his fault I was such a skank and got knocked up, but he exists, so it is what it is.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">The point is that this doesn’t help.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I wish I had known from the beginning so I could avoid all of this heartache.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Even more than that, I just wish I knew that he was actually putting in the effort now.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">That he actually <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">cares</b> and really likes me enough to want to be with me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I am so fucking sick of being the girl that’s good enough until something better comes along.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I am a fucking person and I have fucking feelings and I am sick of crying all the time and feeling like nothing because people only want me around when it’s convenient for them.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">Okay, I am seriously crying now and I need to just stop typing.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">That’s it for today.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I don’t know if this will be private or not...</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I’m just being honest, but it’s stuff I don’t know how to say out loud.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">He doesn’t usually read unless I tell him to, anyway.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Calibri;">I don’t know. We’ll see...</span></div>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-10685019029232202602012-07-02T08:13:00.000-07:002012-07-02T08:46:58.702-07:00I Wanna Know What Love Is (BPD Criterion 2: Unstable Relationships)<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 48pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: Calibri; font-size: small; mso-list: Ignore;">Thanks to Foreigner for the title...haha. This time I'll be addressing the issue of unstable relationships. Below in black is what WebMD had to say to describe the criterion, but I feel the need to go on a bit of a tangent and discuss love in general (in relation to me, anyway) and I think this is the ideal setting to do it. So, without further ado...</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships</span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation: People with borderline personality disorder may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficent supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts other reflect disillusionment with a caregiver whose nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.</span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.25in;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have been reading through my LiveJournal that I started writing in at age 15 and starting to really be able to discern a pattern when it comes to my relationships. I mean, I already knew that I end up “in love” with everyone I date (and even a couple during my extra promiscuous phase that I didn’t date.) This is the main reason I don’t really know if I know what being in love with someone truly is. If I have honestly been in love with all of these people, then love doesn’t mean very much, obviously. Or, if I haven’t, then how can I determine who I was actually in love with? Or was I never in love with anyone? I really have no clue. I can sit here now and say who I think I had real feelings for and who I didn’t, but the real issue is that, in the moment, they all felt exactly the same. So, even if, in hindsight, I can determine which were real feelings and which weren’t, then what about when I’m in a situation where I’m having the usual feelings and can’t determine? I mean, I know what loving someone means. I love a lot of people in the sense that I care about them deeply and would do pretty much anything within my power to keep them happy/safe/etc... The people I love include my friends, so, in most cases, I am sure that I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">love</i> the people I date. The question is was I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in love</i> with them. And then I guess the question is, “what does it really matter?” The one reason I know that it matters is to learn from my past. I want to be able to be with someone and know how I feel about them without being blinded (or even just shaded) by my need to be needed or just not be alone.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have noticed a pretty solid pattern of being “in love” with all of my boyfriends right around the one month mark, but starting to think that way as early as a week. Surely enough, with the current guy, I went through the same thing. Right around the one month point, I started getting those googly feelings and thinking how I couldn’t live without him and hoping we’d be together forever. I even looked up the average time to say, “I love you,” and, luckily, was warned off of it by the poll and question answers basically declaring 3 months as kind of the point at which you start all of that. Even more fortunately, I started doing some research into my past and doing some really deep soul searching which led me to my current position: wondering not only if <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b> know what love is, but if it even exists at all in a specifically romantic sense. Then there is the question of, since I’m not in love, what is this that I’m feeling? The best that I can come up with is that catch all term we hear all the time: infatuation. But how to tell the difference between that and love? I’m not sure yet.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, it can be summed up that, yes, I have had a series of unstable interpersonal relationships. As for the idealization and devaluation, I know I’m guilty of this as well. I have a really hard time with idealizing people. I put the people in my life on a pedestal, and it’s a very high expectation to have. I don’t consciously think, “man, he’d better do everything right and pay attention to me constantly or I’m going to think he’s the worst person in the world.” That is pretty much what I do though. Logically, I know that a person cannot make me their world, but I still find myself frustrated or angry when that is not the case. Even worse, God forbid the person actually be human and make a mistake, and I automatically flip to the belief that they are terrible or don’t care about me. It is REALLY hard for me to get over the mistake after that. The worst is when I am the only person who thinks they did anything wrong, because then there’s usually not even an apology. I am the worst about bringing up things that happened eons ago because I’m angry or something reminded me of it, or, sometimes, just because I want to be a bitch. This is in both romantic relationships and others. I do this a lot with my best friend. Luckily, she has a fairly healthy emotional self, so she handles my shifts fairly well. However, when you take one of my parents, who both have psychological issues themselves, things get a little out of hand.</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think the worst case of idealization vs. devaluation that I can think of that isn’t in a romantic relationship is with my dad. We were very close when I was growing up, especially in my high school years when my mom wasn’t around and we kind of only had each other (and Brett, but he was a toddler). Since then, he has gotten remarried (to the super bitch from hell, but that’s mostly beside the point), and it has really affected our relationship. Now I rarely see him, and, when I do, I’m angry about not seeing him. It’s like I had this view of him as this super dad that worked all the time to take care of my brother and me, but he also found time to spend with us. Plus, I always had a lot in common with my dad since he was the smart parent and we could discuss things and read the same books and such. Well, now that he is with his new wife, my feelings are constantly hurt from not seeing him, and I feel like his new little family is more important than me. And it offends me when he knows all the crap I have going on and lets his wife talk shit about me. The main problem is that he is codependent as hell, and he lets whatever woman he is with walk all over him, and he becomes her little lapdog bitch and ignores the other important things in his life for her. When my mom was the woman, at least she deemed me an important thing for him to pay attention to. Unfortunately, this woman does not. In fact, she and I pretty much hate each other. I mean, I’ve heard of women not liking their husband’s daughters out of jealousy, but, really? Is that not just a little absurd?</span></span></div>
<div align="left" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I just wish everything wasn’t so black and white. I wish that I could be angry with someone without the feelings of hate that accompany it. Or that I could just really like someone and enjoy their company without having to constantly tell myself that I’m not really in love. I think the most important thing I need to have in order to work on this problem in particular is relationships with people that understand what my problems and patterns are, and can handle them accordingly. The main reason I end up in relationships with so many jerks, I think, is because they feed my needs, but in the wrong way. I have someone to have that back and forth love/hate relationship with- the relationships that no one should really be in. That’s not what I need, though. It’s what I want subconsciously, maybe even higher than that. I know that there is a big part of me that craves those unhealthy relationships for the instant gratification and the extreme feelings involved. I know, though, that I will never get better if I keep myself in those situations. I also know that I’m never truly happy. I just have to be able to remember that.</span></span><span style="color: #00b0f0; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br />Still left:</span></span><br />
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Identity disturbance</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Impulsivity</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Recurrent suicidal behavior</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Emotional instability</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Chronic feelings of emptiness</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Inappropriate, intense anger</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> or severe dissociative symptoms</span></li>
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<br /></div>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-43906706947505640572012-06-29T12:56:00.002-07:002012-07-02T08:09:05.976-07:00Don't Leave Me! (BPD Criterion 1: Abandonment)<div style="background: white;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I think that a lot of the problems that borderlines have stem from the fact that it’s really hard for people (whether it be significant others, friends, or family) to understand how they think about things or why they do the things they do. I understand from a logical point where the majority of what I do seems completely insane, but that doesn’t mean that I can stop it. Usually, that’s for one of two reasons: One is that I am not in a logical state of mind, and I literally can’t determine what is logical or normal and what is not. The other is that I know what I’m thinking/doing is wrong/illogical/crazy/etc... and I just don’t have either the will or the strength to stop it.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I posted an entry at the beginning of the week that listed all of the categories of codependency and I addressed them in relation to myself. Today, I’m going to do kind of the same thing, but I’m going to address the symptoms of BPD in relation to myself. I was trying to explain to the guy I’m seeing why I have such a hard time seeing things the way he does, and I was having a very hard time, so maybe this will shine a little bit of light on the subject. I copy and pasted everything in black from WebMD, and everything in blue is me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">This disorder occurs in most by early adulthood. The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:</span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">: The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, emotion, thinking and behavior. Someone with borderline personality disorder will be very sensitive to things happening around them in their environment. They experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger, even when faced with a realistic separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans. For instance, becoming very angry with someone for being a few minutes late or having to cancel a lunch date. People with borderline personality disorder may believe that this abandonment implies that they are “bad.” These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-mutilating or suicidal behaviors</span></li>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">I hate being alone. Now, I don’t mean alone in the house. Actually, like everyone else, I appreciate the occasional moment of solitude especially when it means not hearing a two year old chatter on constantly. What I mean is that I can’t stand the thought of not having anyone. I don’t even know how to explain that. I mean, I know that I have friends and (a little bit at least) family. I mean alone in a romantic way. I know it sounds crazy, but I haven’t been completely alone for more than a few weeks in that aspect since elementary school. How did I manage that? Well, the number one rule was to NEVER EVER break up with someone until I already had someone else. Someone could be driving me up the fucking wall, and looking at him could make me sick, but I would stick around until I found someone new. Now, I’m not saying that I would cheat on the person. I would just find a new target, make sure he was interested, get him to the point where he was ready to date me (or almost there) and then break it off with the original person. Now, I should probably also say at this point that I am really bad with break ups. It generally takes a lot for me to break up with someone. And a big part of it is that I have a REALLY hard time seeing someone after a break up. So 9 out of 10 times, if I broke up with someone, I waited until the situation was one where I could completely cut the person off and never have to see him again. But, of course, there were times when people broke up with me. Even with me being as crazy as I am, it didn’t happen often, but when it did I had solutions. My first was that when someone would start acting distant or giving some of the signals that they were going to end the relationship, I would try to get in there first and find someone else so I would either be prepared when it happened or, sometimes, just be the one to do it first. The second option, although not as desirable, is to just cling to pretty much the first person I find after being broken up with. I haven’t done this as often, but one time it bit me in the ass, so I think that was the last time. I got with someone who I knew liked me just so I wouldn’t be alone, and then when I was ready to find someone new and start the break up process because he was getting on my last damn nerve, his dad died. How in the fuck do you break up with someone whose dad just died? Then terrible things kept happening as a result so I stayed with the guy for almost two years. Bleh. Anyway, I found an easier solution right after that little episode. I started talking to someone online (my now soon to be ex husband) and he was my person when I didn’t have a boyfriend. It was kind of perfect. I could still date people and have someone here, but he was always one call or dirty picture away when I was lonely or had a break up.<br />Honestly, I don’t even know what it’s like to be alone. It scares the hell out of me. I literally get sick to my stomach thinking about how it would feel to be completely alone. But in all honesty, it’s just pretend. I have been married for three years, and that’s the most alone I’ve been in my life. Yeah, I had someone there with me, and to anyone on the outside, I was in a relationship. But in actuality? I was alone. I didn’t have the love and nurturing that I need to make it. So I got worse and worse and clung to even the bad things because it was better than nothing. I would literally start a knock-down drag out fight just so we would communicate. I even almost liked when he would get violent because at least he was touching me. When you go for as long as I did without being touched, almost anything is better than nothing.<br />The final thing I’d like to say about this is that it’s not just in romantic relationships that this presents itself. It may be the most prominent in those situations, but I see evidence of this in other parts of my life. For one thing, I have abnormal friendships. For as far back as I can remember, I have always had one best friend. I don’t mean that I have had the same person be my best friend for that long; I mean that I only have one at a time. It’s almost like a relationship in itself. I will have one best friend, and spend the majority of my time with that one person. That person will be the end all and be all of any friendship, the closest person to me in the world. Yes, I will have other “friends,” but I will keep them at arm’s length, and I may even not like them that much. I have been through a few best friends for many reasons, mostly location or life circumstances, but it’s always the same pattern. I find one girl and cling to her until I can’t cling anymore. I get almost the same feelings for her as I have for a boyfriend. I mean, nothing romantic or sexual, just emotion-wise. Like, I get really jealous if she is spending time with other friends, and I get really worried about big life events. For instance, my current best friend is about to move out of state to go to graduate school, and I am worried out of my mind. Right this moment, I have been spending more time with other people than I ever would normally, and I know that it’s because subconsciously I’m trying to find a replacement.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Wow, so this turned into a whole blog entry in itself. Here’s what I’ll do: I will post this as its own thing, and list the other symptoms below as kind of a “what’s to come thing” and finish the others when I get back to a computer. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have to do a full entry on each part.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">Here are the rest of the symptoms that will be discussed later:</span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Identity disturbance</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Impulsivity</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Recurrent suicidal behavior</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Emotional instability</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Chronic feelings of emptiness</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Inappropriate, intense anger</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) </span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; color: #222222; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list .5in; text-align: left;"><strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts</span></strong><span style="font-family: "Verdana", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;"> or severe dissociative symptoms </span></li>
</ul>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-60916180205606338862012-06-27T17:35:00.000-07:002012-07-02T08:35:01.941-07:00Crappy<span style="color: black;">Well, here I am. Sitting at boy's apartment.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I am just so confused lately.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I'm having a lot of trouble in pretty much every area.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Work is crap. What's that saying? Underpaid and under appreciated?</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">That's pretty much my life story.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Plus I've been having trouble getting my son to listen to me.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I have been working on that in therapy, though.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Well, we started it anyway. The small amount I did learn seems to be helping.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Mainly my issues (as usual) seem to be in the relationship area.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">The husband thing is alright, I guess. He still hasn't gotten his divorce papers, I think he's deluded currently.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">But, other than that, we're getting along okay and being civil as far as I can see.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">There are a couple of guy friends that have seen the opening of me being separated and tried to pounce.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I'm not actually interested in any of them really, I just have a hard time explaining that.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I don't like the idea of people disliking me.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">It makes me feel horribly uncomfortable...actually....panicky....</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">It's not like I go along with it or anything. I just, um, ignore it?</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I guess I figure if I act oblivious to the come ons then they will eventually stop.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Then there's the guy of the moment.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I guess I've explained the gist of our situation.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I don't know, I feel like there is more to say, I just don't know what or how.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">After the break-up thing, it was pretty yucky.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Like, we were back together and all, but he seemed miserable most of the time.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">All that did was remind me of Steven.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Apparently my god-given talent is to make men miserable.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Tanget....</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Anyway, the point is that I was feeling fairly crappy about it.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I don't know how much of it was just my head thinking that he was miserable because the relationship ended to begin with and how much was actually him acting different. I do know it wasn't all me, though.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Because, we go through some fairly serious crap, and then I stick around while he's super seriously depressed (possibly suicidal, tbd), and then I go over there yesterday and he's back to the pre-break up self.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Sweet and cuddly and clingy. It made me unreasonably happy.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">And then last night, he snuck into my house (he was driving past it, but still) and slept with me for just the few hours until I had work.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I don't know, it <em>seems</em> like he is actually liking being around me again.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Ugh. I hate not knowing what he is thinking.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">It is <strong>so</strong> frustrating...</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">It's like, every time I think he's acually really into me, he does or says something that makes me think otherwise.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Then I start thinking that he doesn't actually like me that much and he's just in it to abate his lonliness until something better presents itself, and then he does something that makes me think otherwise from that situation.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">WHAT THE FUCK?!</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">And he started the whole relationship with this "honesty honesty honesty" bullshit, but I <strong>never</strong> know what in the hell he is thinking.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I can ask a direct question, and he may not lie, but he just like....avoids the question?</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Usually he acts like he doesn't understand what I am asking at that point, but it's ridiculous...he's seriously one of the smartest people I know, but he can't understand half of my questions?</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I guess part of it may be that he's just not used to me.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">But, I mean, how is he going to be?</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I am fucking bat shit crazy.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I require all of this attention and work and love...</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Ah....then there's that.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">The infamous "L word,"</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">...He keeps coming over to sit next to me, so I suppose I will finish on this subject later.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I guess I will go ahead and post since we are doing this "honesty" thing.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">We'll see how long that lasts when he sees al lthe crazy crap I think, muahahaha. :p</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">...but seriously.</span>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-86903901380562629652012-06-27T08:57:00.001-07:002012-06-30T17:38:58.850-07:00How to Please the Unpleasable<span style="color: black;">I will be back to write in a bit, I just found this on another borderline's blog and felt like I needed to have it saved somewhere in case anyone ever asks me what it takes to keep me happy. A reader of her blog asked a question, and she gave a really good response:</span><br />
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<em><span style="color: black;">I'm guessing you've had close romantic relationships with people. I saw your page and said hey, this could help me. I've been in an off and on relationship with a girl who I am 99% sure has some sort of disorder such as is described here. Just wondering how those relationships turned out for you. Any advice? I've been trying for years. It's so hard. </span></em></div>
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<span style="color: black;">My relationships tend to be turbulent and intense, but not permanent. Then again, nothing is ever permanent until it is. Currently I’m single, if that tells you anything (of course I’m taking time off to just work on me - I feel to unstable to inflict myself on someone else). <strong>For me the best thing that helps is honesty and reassurance. It can be a little daunting to constantly reassure someone that you’re not going to leave, but small things, random texts to say your thinking about them, little things you know make her smile… just being honest about how you feel about her and <em><u>telling</u></em> her. Telling her, is the main thing, don't assume she knows. Include her in the plans you want to do, use ‘us’ and ‘we’ statements instead of just ‘I’ or ‘me’.</strong> Also if you think it’s possible for her, cognitive behavior therapy has done wonders for me. If she’s open to the possibility of therapy it could be very beneficial but this is something that must be brought up very tactfully and with the message that you want her to be the happiest with herself that she can be; her happiness is what's important to you, that it will make your relationship stronger and you will be there beside her the whole time. With therapy it often helps to have an objective third person point of view, that isn't emotionally attached to you, to provide stable input. Hope this helps.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">*Note from me* Really the stuff in bold is the important part, but I didn't want to cut out half of the post. I am in therapy currently, so at least I'm doing my part. I'm really really trying to get past my issues, but it's hard and it takes time and patience. I fight with it every day. I literally leave therapy feeling drained and exhausted, like if I did hardcore exercise for several hours and then gave blood. I hate it, and it's so hard for me to be honest, but I am trying. Anyway, I will do an actual post later from the boy's house. Adios.</span></div>
</div>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-4964627976452414932012-06-24T12:11:00.001-07:002014-08-01T11:01:51.116-07:00Am I Codependent?<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"><span style="background-color: white; color: magenta;">I read a few BPD blogs so I can see how I relate to people with the same thing as me. My therapist has been on about my codependency lately, and I was having a problem distinguishing between what the differences really are between BPD and codependency. I happened to find a blog posting that addresses exactly that, and it seems to me that they overlap considerably, but each one also causes its own set of problems as well. Some of us get the luck of being both. Part one of the original blog entry can be read </span><a href="http://downwardspiralintothevortex.blogspot.com/2012/03/codependency-and-borderline-personality.html"><span style="background-color: white; color: magenta;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: magenta;">, but I decided to take part 2 and do a little something with it. The original poster listed the symptoms of codependency and then followed each one with a synopsis of how it related to her. It seemed both educational and cathartic, so I'm going to do that very thing today. Her original posting will be in the standard color, and I removed her relation and replaced it with mine in blue. Here goes nothing... :)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-style: italic;"><span style="background-color: white; color: magenta;">Apparently she originally found the list of symptoms </span><a href="http://www.mnwelldir.org/docs/mental_health/codependency.htm"><span style="background-color: white; color: magenta;">here</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: magenta;">. So I guess I should add that in there.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #cfe2f3; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><strong>Symptoms</strong></span><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><strong><span style="color: #cfe2f3;">:</span></strong> </span><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: white;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Care taking:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> the codependent individual feels responsible for other people. S/He feels anxious and even guilty when another has a problem. S/He feels compelled to help that person solve their problem. S/He anticipates the other's needs and feels angry when his help is not effective or rebuffed. At the same time, the codependent feels slighted that others won't help her/him out when s/he needs help. However, this same individual who is constantly doing way too much for others, and not getting "any" help from anyone, will usually answer when asked what is wrong or what do you need, responds, "Oh, nothing." The codependent minimizes his/her own worth. The codependent is his/her own worst enemy.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">I definitely do this. I was actually just having a conversation with my therapist the other day where I came to the realization that so many of the people I've slept with (or anything of the like) has been out of guilt. I get people to the point of wanting it because it makes me feel so good to be wanted, then I don't actually want to follow through. But I feel so guilty about it that I do anyway. Also, like with my husband. He keeps making me feel guilty about the fact that he can't pay his bills. The logical part of me says "fuck him, maybe he'll get a beter job," but the bigger part feels bad and like I should help. I'm even paying for daycare completely by myself to help him out. Even when it somes to other relationships. Like my mom. She's living with me now, and even though she drives me up the wall and has screwed me over one time after another after another, I still keep taking it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: white; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">The codependent is over committed, harried, pressured, feels safe when giving, but insecure when someone gives to him/her, goes out of her/his way to help others, and believes deep inside that other people are responsible for the way they are and will blame others for the "spot" they are in. Others make them feel the way they feel, they are victimized, angry, unappreciated, and used. Others are driving them crazy.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Insecure when receiving? Absolutely. I feel weird about someone buying me a meal, much less anything more than that. The only way I will accept something more than that really is if my son is related and I know it will affect him. I even feel uncomfortable when I get more out of sex than the other person. I can't say that I really blame others for their misfortunes. Well, not usually. I mean, I guess it depends on the situation. I know that shit happens. Trust me, I'm there now. I also know that some people want to do nothing and expect everything, and that does drive me nuts. I will admit that the last two sentences are true. I have only come to terms with this in my last few years in therapy, but I like to be the victim. I am the type of person that will be an absolute bitch or psycho or whatever it takes to make someone leave me rather than man (or woman) it up and leave him. I am also always feeling sorry for myself, but then I never do anything about it. And someone can ask me what's wrong, and I don't tell them. It's like I need to feel crappy about myself, but I'm not allowed to let anyone else know</span><br />
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<span style="color: white;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Low Self Worth:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> codependents tend to come from troubled, dysfunctional families, and will deny this to the very end. They blame themselves for their family's shortcomings. They blame themselves for everything. They pick on themselves constantly: not intelligent enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough, not good enough. But if another criticizes them, boy do they get defensive and angry, not to mention self-righteous. Don't try to give a codependent a compliment; they reject all compliments and praise, even though they get depressed from lack of compliments and praise. They feel "different" from the rest of the world. They reject themselves, but fear rejection. Everything is taken personally, they love being the victim (though will deny it with their last breath). They have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, abandonment, neglect, and/or alcoholism. They feel like victims, carry lots of guilt and shame, and think their lives are not worth living. They should have done this, should have done that. They "should" themselves to death. Codependents say, "Why me?" on the outside, and know "why me" on the inside. <u>While trying to prove to others that they are good enough, to themselves they <i>feel </i>worthless and empty.</u></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">I definitely came from a dysfunctional family, but I don't deny it. I don't even think it's my fault. I mean, I might have when I was younger, but it didn't take long to realize where the problem was. I definitely have the poor self-esteem and thoughts about myself mentioned. I think really terrible things about myself all of the time. And the thing with the defensive statement is that I can take jokes about a lot of things, but really makes me mad/hurts me are thngs that I already think about myself. For instance, you can say I'm an idiot, and I can laugh it off. I know that I'm an intelligent person. But if you start calling me a bad parent, or crazy (unless you're like one of three people who I know don't actually feel that way) then I actually get hurt and get defensive and pissed off. And yeah, I have a hard time accepting compliments. It's weird for me to think that people think good things about me when I think such horrible things about myself. I can usually accept compliments in regards to academics/intelligence or in regards to how awesome of a kid I have (which may not even count as a compliment towards me), but that's about it. It's right, though. I probably give the idea that I don't like compliments when I say "nuh uh" to every one, but in actuality, that's the only time I hear positive thoughts about myself, so too long without any can be a bad thing for me. I was the victim of some verbal, emotional, and even a little physical abuse from my parents, and I also have memories of some sexual abuse by an older child in my younger years. So that applies. And yeah, I feel like I am constantly trying to prove myself, that's probably why I have always done so well in school. I got attention from teachers and other students for being so bright. What would anyone expect from some of the stuff I've been through?</span><br />
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<span style="color: white; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><u><strong>Repression</strong>:</u> most codependents repress their own needs, their own desires. They are afraid to let themselves be who they are and often appear rigid and controlled. They repress all thoughts of self-worth out of their awareness and they are full of guilt. Codependents cannot have fun.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">I don't think that I can't have fun. I just think that it's difficult to completely let go and enjoy myself fully. I can have fun, I just always have negative stuff going on in my head, too. It's a balancing act. Sometimes having a little bit to drink helps me loosen up, but generally, I just kind of try to enjoy myself without completely losing control of the situation. I have such control issues as it is, though, that it's hard for me to not be in control of anything. That's probably why I am so interested in being dominated in a sexual manner. I have never been able to submit control fully to anyone. Even with my husband when I was completely at his will at all times, I still felt like I was in control because me doing those things kept him around. So I was in control of the relationship in my mind.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="color: white; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Obsessive Compulsive Disorder:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: white;"> codependents worry. They worry about the slightest and silliest things</span> <span style="color: #00b0f0;">(True)</span>:<span style="color: white;"> they worry that people are talking about them </span><span style="color: #00b0f0;">(True)</span>;<span style="color: black;"> </span><span style="color: white;">they worry that people are not talking about them</span> <span style="color: #00b0f0;">(True)</span>;<span style="color: white;"> they lose sleep over little things (</span><span style="color: #00b0f0;">True)</span>;<span style="color: white;"> they check up on others </span><span style="color: #00b0f0;">(True)</span>; <span style="color: white;">they try to catch people in the act </span><span style="color: #00b0f0;">(True)</span><span style="color: white;">; they never find any answers </span><span style="color: #00b0f0;">(False)</span>,<span style="color: black;"> </span><span style="color: white;">they focus on other's problems</span><span style="color: black;"> </span><span style="color: #00b0f0;">(True)</span>; <span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: white;">they spend money compulsively</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span></span><span style="color: #00b0f0;">(True)</span>; <span style="color: white;">eat or drink compulsively</span> <span style="color: #00b0f0;">(True)</span><span style="color: black;"> ; </span><span style="color: white;">and wonder why they have no energy and why they never get anything done </span><span style="color: #00b0f0;">(True!)</span>.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">So apparently almost all of these apply to me. As far as people talking about me. I do worry constantly that everone I like/trust and even those who don't are trash talking me on a regular basis. And then I also get worried if I think people are just too concerned with other things or just don't care me enough to not talk about me. Especially concerning romantic relationships. I have this crazy notion where I think my significant other should spend every moment thinking about me. Logically and realistically, I know that's not true, but it doesn't stop the pain when I know it's not true. I check up on others. Yes, I admit it. I'm nosy as all get out. But I have good reason (or at least I think so...). I've been cheated on and lied to so many times, that I have a hard time thinking that I may actually be able to fully trust anyone ever again. Even with this new guy, he went off on this whole thing about how important honesty was, and he couldn't even tell me that he had been reconsidering us. If he can keep such a small thing so easily, why not something larger?</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Controlling Behaviors:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> codependents try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. They are afraid to let people be who they are or let events happen naturally. They've lived in so many situations in which they had no control (abuse, alcoholism, etc) that they now try to control everything and get frustrated and angry when they cannot. They end up feeling controlled by events. They feel controlled by others. They resist change as if change were a contagion.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">I'm manipulative. I'll admit it. Most of the time, I don't mean to be (at least not consciously), but it happens. It's like my automatic reaction when I don't get what I want is to do something manipulative without even thinking about it. It's like my feelings/reactions are still stuck in toddler more. Toddler doesn't get his way, and he yells, cries, and probably says something like, "I no love you mama" to make you feel like crap and want to make everything better. I get hurt, and I do pretty much the same thing. Someone tells me something I don't like or want, and I automatically start with the passive agressiveness. Like, "Oh, that's fine. I'll just go home and sit alone." or "Okay, as long as you're happy, I guess." As I said before, I am a terrible control freak. I feel like if something doesn't go by the rigid structured plan I have, the world will end. Now, that's not to say I can't be spontaneous. I can, but I just have to be the one calling the shots. And then obviously there's the change thing. Anyone who knows me knows that this is true. I spend every moment of every day trying to resist change. I can handle small changes, but certain things throw me completely off. For instance, my best friend is about to move to another state for school, and I am freaking out because I am scared we won't be friends anymore. I should also throw out there that when she graduated high school and I still had a year left that I felt the same way, and it worked out okay. Once again, I know that logically. It's just hard to register on an emotional level.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Denial:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> codependents ignore problems or pretend they do not exist. They pretend things are not as bad as they are; they tell themselves it will get better; they stay busy to avoid thinking about things; they get confused, sick, depressed and visit doctors for a prescription. Many are workaholics. They lie to themselves and others. They believe their lies. And most of all, codependents will leave a healthy situation (by lying to themselves that it was an unhealthy situation) and get back into an unhealthy situation; though for the most part, most codependents either never leave an unhealthy situation/relationship, or they go from one unhealthy situation/relationship to another.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">This is a big one for me, although I can happily say that I've made leaps and bounds with it since my diagnosis in 2010. One thing about therapy is that it requires you to admit a lot of stuff to yourself and out loud that you would probably never come to terms with on your own. I am even to the point now that I usually know exactly what I'm doing that is unhealthy, I just don't have the power/skills/whatever to stop it. But G.I. Joe says knowing is half the battle, so that must be good for something, right?</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Dependency:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> codependents do not feel happy or content with themselves. They look to others to supply them their happiness or their needs. They are threatened by the loss of anything or any person that provides them with their happiness. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">They do NOT love themselves. They did not feel loved by their parents. They equate love with pain and believe others are never, ever there for them. They need people more than they want them; their lives revolve around someone else's life; they tolerate abuse; feel trapped; leave one bad relationship and jump into another bad relationship. They wonder if they will ever find true love. And if they do find true love, they will leave that and find a loveless relationship because deep inside (often beneath consciousness) they feel unworthy of love.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Who really feels happy or content with themself, actually? My wager would be not many people. It takes a lot to be that person. I think the key here that points out the BPD/Codependency is the second part: where they do find their happiness. I can honestly admit that, yes, this is me to a tee. This is probably one of the biggest challenges I face in my recovery. I honetly don't know how to not do this. I have been this person my whole life. I honestly think most of the time that I don't even know who I really am. I can literally take almost every facet of my likes/desires/personality and appoint it to someone I picked it up from. Like, "oh, well so and so liked this, so I decided I did, too." Or is that normal? Is that just how everyone learns things that they like? I don't know. I do know that I will pretend to like something for someone else to the point that I forget I ever didn't like it. A lot of things are that way. It makes me think of this episode of Gilmore Girls, where Lorelai is sitting staring at a pop tart until Rory finally asks her what's up. She admits that she loves pop tarts so much and always eats them, but now she's questioning if she really loves pop tarts, or if she just loved them because her mother hated them. I mean, I know that's kind of opposite, but the principle applies.</span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: Sylfaen;">I don't know that I equate love with pain, per say. I'll admit that I feel most comfortable in one of those relationships where you love hard and fight harder, but I always thought that was more the exilaration than anything else. And, you know, starting a fight just so you'll feel something. Yes, I need people, yes I make people the center of my universe. I also want them to do the same for me. Apparently that's unhealthy. That's going to be hard as hell to break. I've been like this <strong>as long as I can remember</strong>. How do you even change something so ingrained into your head? Yes, I worry I'll never find true love, once again, who doesn't? I don't even know if I believe in love half of the time. I have told anyone I've ever actually dated that I love them, but I doubt that was true for most of them. I mean, I believe in love as in I love my son, and my best friend. But being in love? Sounds like bullshit to be honest.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Poor Communication Skills:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> codependents blame, threaten, coerce, beg, bribe, and advise others. They don't mean what they say and don't say what they mean. They don't take themselves seriously and expect others to do the same. They avoid getting to the point, asking indirectly for attention by sighing, crying, or moping around. They say everything is their fault. They say nothing is their fault. They can't get to the point, and if pressed, they're not sure what the point really is. They believe their opinions do not matter and have difficulties asserting their rights or expressing honest emotions, openly and appropriately. They apologize for bothering people.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Check, check, check, etc... I think this is just summing up being passive agressive for the most part, and that is defintiely what I am. This is just a woman thing, though. I mean, mine may be to the extreme nth degree, but the fact remains. I have a hard time saying what I need (although I am improving), and I think it's because I usually feel like I don't deserve it. Otherwise, it can usually be attributed to the thought process of "I don't want someone to do something because I want them to do it. I want them to do it because they want to. If I tell them what I want/need, then they will only do it because of that." I know that sounds silly, but it has a lot to do with testing whether someone actually cares about you or not.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Poor Boundaries:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> codependents say they won't tolerate something from anyone, and then engage themselves in exactly that. Then they gradually increase their tolerance levels until they can tolerate most anything others do to them. They allow others to hurt them, over and over and over again. They stay in bad relationships for all the wrong reasons: to fix the other; for the kids (like kids need to grow up in a loveless relationship); because things will get better; and worst of all: because they feel they deserve to live in hell. They complain and blame but far too many never get away from their abuser. Then they finally get angry and become totally intolerant and the cycle begins all over again. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Actually, my therapist had me reading a book called boundaries, and I think it was helping at least a little. I do tend to let people run me over and treat me like crap. I can also proudly say that I got out of the worst of my situation, and that's filing for divorce. If that's not a boundary, then I don't know what it is. Now the key is to create (and hold to) boundaries with other people.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Lack of Trust:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> codependents do not trust themselves, their feelings, their decisions, other people, or even God. And then, right out of the blue, they'll trust someone who is totally untrustworthy.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Um...I...okay...yeah... Unfortunately that's true. I honestly can't think of any person I 100% trust. I guess that's sad, but what can you do? I don't even know that I believe in God at this point, I definitely don't trust myself with how fucked up I am, and everyone else has screwed me over at some point.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><b><u><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Sexual Problems:</span></u></b><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> codependents go through cycles in the bedroom. They are caretakers there too. They have sex when they don't want to or withdraw sex to punish their partner. They try to have sex when they are hurt or angry, and refuse to enjoy it. They withdraw emotionally from their partner, feel revulsion toward their partner, and don't want to talk about it. They reduce sex to a technical act, wonder why they don't enjoy it; lose interest; make up reasons to abstain, wish their partner would die, go away, or guess what is wrong with them; they have strong sexual fantasies about others and consider having affairs.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes. I have sex when I don't want to. Actually, 9 out of 10 times I don't really <em>want</em> to, per se, I just want to feel wanted and/or loved. I have never withdrawn it to hurt anyone, but that's probably out of fear and guilt more than anything else. I have been able to genuinely enjoy sex with very very few people, and even then, it's hit and miss. It's got to feel emotionally right. I think a lot of my problem is that I equate sex with love and have a really hard time separating the two. After my promiscuous period, I got better at being able to have sex with someone without thinking I'm in love (as long as it falls within a short period of time and I don't spend too much time with the person outside of that), but once I (think I) am in love with someone, any time I get rejected for sex, I feel like it's a rejection of me as a person or my love.</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">codependents can be extremely responsible or irresponsible, they become martyrs, sacrificing their own happiness. They find it difficult to be happy, feel close to others, or have fun and be spontaneous. They are passive aggressive, feeling passive, hurt, helpless yet violent and angry. They laugh when they want to cry. They are ashamed of their families, of their relationships. They cover up, lie, and protect their family from their problems. They don't seek help because they don't feel the problem is all that bad. And then they wonder why the problems never go away.</span> </span><br />
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"><u><strong>Over-responsibility</strong></u></span><span style="font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;"> – is taking responsibility for someone else’s problems. A person who is over-responsible will blame themselves for the actions, feelings, and thoughts of others. This can make them a victim of the problems other people have regardless of whether or not those problems have anything to do with them. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">Eh. I guess I do this to a point. Especially when it concerns someone directly related to me. Like my son, or maybe my husband or someone I'm dating, maybe even my best friend. But not quite to the extreme here.</span><br />
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<u><strong><span style="color: black;">General:</span></strong></u></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Sylfaen", "serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; line-height: 115%;">In I am very responsible in a lot of aspects: working full time and being damn good at my job, making sure my son is taken care of, focusing on school (for the most part). I am also irresponsible in areas, though: I have a hard time managing money. I make sure my son has what he needs, but from there I have trouble. I also go into modes where I am very self-damaging with things such as alcohol, promiscuity, etc... I am good at faking happiness, but I rarely actually feel happy. When I do, it is almost always attributed to a guy making me feel good or, occassionally, something my son does (which is definitely the more healthy of the two.) I have already addressed that I'm passive agressive. I absolutely have a problem with lying. I lie to almost everyone I know all the time. The only reason I haven't lied to the current guy (except for maybe a "nothing" or "I'm okay" is because I promised him from the very beginning that I wouldn't. It's really hard, though. I lie to my best friend (probably the most), my family, work, whoever to keep me out of trouble mainly, but also to get my way. I have spent my whole life thinking (or maybe pretending) that nothing was wrong and that I am normal, but at least I finally have made the step of finding out what's wrong and trying to get help. It's hard. It's going to get way worse, but in the end, I hope it will be worth it.</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Sylfaen;">All I want for myself is to be able to be happy and in a normal healthy relationship.</span></div>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Sylfaen;">I want my son to grow up seeing what a relationship is and how to be happy.</span></div>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Sylfaen;">Even if it takes me so long to fix this that I don't get to enjoy it, hopefully he will get to.</span></div>
Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-61543749918043798652012-06-24T09:34:00.001-07:002014-08-01T10:56:47.648-07:00A Lot Can Happen In A Year and A Half...<span style="color: white;">Well, it's been a good while since my last post.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I was so ready to leave my husband that he agreed to go to marriage counseling not long after that post.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean I'm always in the wrong.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Actually, since I'm the way I am, it's more likely that I find someone that's another type of crazy that feeds mine.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">*cough*husband*cough*</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Tangent. Tangent. Tangent.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">The point is that we went to about 3 weeks of marriage counseling before I decided that the therapist was completely on his side and they were double teaming me so I stopped going.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">This was also the same therapist I was seeing for single therapy, so that ended, too.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">The one good thing she did, though, was help me realize how important it was to get myself back in to school.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">School is the only place I've ever felt confident and comfortable with myself, so it's something very important for me.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">So I did it. I filed an appeal and got back into school. Now I've been in for 3 semesters and I can't wait for summer to be over so I can get back at it. After years of fighting with myself, I finally gave in and admitted that my true desire is to teach. Even if it means not having as much money as a chemical engineer.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Things just got worse and worse with my husband. We literally never had sex. For over a year.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">We barely talked. He was on the computer constantly. Working a part time, minimum-wage job and refusing to do anything better.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">The thing is, I wouldn't mind a job like that if he was in school doing something to actually better himself.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">He is just happy doing the bare minimum in every facet of life. It makes me sick that anyone can live like that.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Plus there's the face that we fought any time we did talk. I just got to the point where I was having trouble even standing being in the same room with him.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">But of course my BPD, codependency, whatever part of my crazy it was, wouldn't let me just be fine with leaving him and being alone.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I had to have someone else to cling to so I could make it through the alone stage.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I had plenty of people willing to be that person, but I didn't want it to be just anybody because it was going to be rough and I was going to need someone I actually liked being around, talking to, etc...</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Well, not long ago, I found the prime candidate. A guy I used to work with was fairly fresh out of a break-up with his super bitch ex. I had a crush on him years ago, but it was one of those that always kind of lingered at the back of my mind.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">He was the guy I always called or texted when I got drunk. Without fail.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Anyway, more than a year without sex and a guy you've had a crush on for years flirting with you (admittedly after blatantly having to spell out that I was very interested), things tend to go certain ways.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">We went to get lunch once, and a short time later he invited me over and made me lunch.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Well, it can be inferred what my borderline self did from there.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">It felt so fantastic to feel wanted and liked and, I guess, like I mattered.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">That combined with the fact that I finally got myself back into therapy made me realize how much I really wanted to get a divorce.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">And I finally felt like I had the strength to actually go through with it.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I filed almost a month and a half ago and moved out, and I've been doing fairly well since then.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">He's been suprisingly civil about trading our son back and forth.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">As for the thing with the other guy. It went really well for about a month, and then something just kind of broke down, I guess.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I made a point to ask from the very beginning multiple times if he was okay with the fact that I have a kid.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">He assured me over and over that he was.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Unfortunately, it took a little over a month for him to realize otherwise.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I did the great job of letting myself get super uuber attached, and then he just suddenly drew back one day and wouldn't tell me what was wrong.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Being the unbelievable snoop I am with an insatiable curiosity, I checked his Facebook and found a message with a friend that involved him saying that he didn't see us lasting long term, he didn't feel good about my son, and he just didn't know about us in general.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I'm going to be honest. It hurt. A whole hell of a lot.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I kind of broke down alone in his bedroom and cried for about 30 minutes.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Then I talked to one of my friends who kind of calmed me down and said I should talk to him about it.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">So, I did, and it went badly. I left and that was supposed to be it.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I felt like absolute crap for the next day and had to stay on Xanax just to function.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I don't really know about how he felt, but I guess he either missed me, too or just felt really lonely because when I had the idea of us doing like a trial period with no real commitment, he agreed.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I still don't know if that was a good idea.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I feel like it was really just delaying my pain a little bit.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Possibly even making it worse because, although I promised to not let myself get any more attached, how do you actually do that when you are spending all your free time with someone, having lots of amazing (no, like, AMAZING) sex, just enjoying yourself in general?</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">It's freaking hard.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">So here I am, trying to keep my distance, but kind of not doing a very good job.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">Plus, we've been through a good bit in the past couple of weeks (like, some hardcore stuff) and I had a couple of easy outs, but I stuck around.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I just hope he realizes that. He says that he's even more confused now after all of that. I just hope in the end that he sees how much I am actually willing to put into this, and that it takes someone who really cares to stay around and be here for him through all of this.</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I don't know. Maybe I'll end up hurt or worse off in the end, but hopefully the small chance of that not happening is worth the huge chance that it does...</span>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6018209160599859420.post-25998784534743742192010-12-28T14:45:00.001-08:002012-07-02T08:43:47.636-07:00Bleh<span style="color: black;">Today is an especially crappy day.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I'm just feeling really low and just overly sucky.</span><br />
<span style="color: black;">I have just found out that one of my FWBs went on a date last night, and I am horrendously jealous. How ridiculous is that?</span>Sarah Janehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15362966316114922425noreply@blogger.com0