Sugar We're Going Down

Things are pretty unpleasant right now. The problem is that I can’t even explain why. In actuality, things are actually going pretty well. I have a new job that I love. Killian is more than awesome. Henry is even being pretty good (for a four-year-old.) I guess things aren't unpleasant, I guess maybe I am unpleasant. I haven’t had a super bad down cycle for a few months, and I guess this is usually the time of year that it happens. I can feel myself doing it, but it’s like I can’t stop myself. I am picking fights with Killian for absolutely no reason. I’m being short with Henry.

            I really worry with Henry. I look at how badly my parents screwed up my life, and I wonder how well Seth can possibly turn out with a borderline mom and a narcissistic sociopath for a dad; a narcissistic sociopath who will spend God-only-knows how many years of Henry’s life in jail. I mean, I can’t even imagine what goes on in his head. One second I’m loving on him and being sweet, and the next I may be spanking him and screaming. I tell myself not to scream, but I can’t help it. I’m like a toddler myself, emotionally speaking. I scream and cry and lash out when I don’t get my way. That’s not how a parent should be. I’m supposed to be the adult, but I am just as bad as he is.

            I’m also feeling the need to do something destructive. I haven’t done it. I guess that’s a victory in itself, and I should probably celebrate the small victories, right? I just worry about doing something stupid. Like, right now, I’m low, but I can think fairly clearly. I am pretty reasonable. I think that is one of the benefits that my diagnosis and therapy had on me. I can see the patterns in myself and analyze them.

            I REALLY REALLY need to get back into therapy. I can’t afford it. Honestly, though, I can’t afford my bills. So what’s one more? Killian has been helping me more and more with bills. On one hand I feel guilty about it, but on the other, it’s kind of nice. I mean, we are planning on getting married, so I guess it’s going to happen anyway. Some of the fights I have been picking are about money, though. I am feeling very resentful towards him when it comes to money. I think a lot of it is left over from Marcus. I hated Marcus for not wanting to do anything better. The fact that he was perfectly content with working at a fast food place part-time making minimum wage for the rest of his life was the worst thing in the world to me. I think that some of that is being projected onto Killian. I mean, he’s trying to get a better job.

            On the other hand, though, he is being pretty picky. I am of the mindset that most things are better than his current situation. I guess I just think that if money was better, my life would be a million times easier. I took an hourly pay-cut at my new job. My last job paid 50% more per hour, which was great when I was getting 35-45 hours a week. When it got to the point that I was lucky to get 25, though, it was a whole other story. So this job pays 50% less per hour, but I’m guaranteed 40 hrs. The good news is that I’m not making any less than I had been recently at my last job, but the bad news is that it’s still not enough to pay my bills. This is why Killian has been helping me. My job is also awesome though because a) I love it, and b) the hours are 8-5 M-F. That’s almost unheard of with no degree or prior experience. I guess I just really hope Killian gets a better job because it will show me that he cares enough to want to take care of us. I’m definitely not the stay-at-home mom type, but having a man who wants to take care of us would be nice. I mean, I also want to get back into school, and there are a lot of classes I won’t be able to take without working a little less.

            I’m just stressed. I’m always tired (even though I get plenty of sleep). I’m angry and irritable. I’m feeling very reckless. I want to do something crazy. It’s been REALLY hard to resist cutting lately. I talked myself out of it most recently because I would have no way to hide the marks at work, but now I’ve thought about it, and I realized that I could just cut my inner thighs. It would probably hurt more, and I could easily hide it. I guess I really do need some therapy.

I Guess Sometimes Everything May Turn Out Okay...

Well, life has been pretty awesome lately.
The guy I last ranted about, Killian, has turned out to not be the dick I first thought he was.
He has spent the last several months trying to make that one day up to me.
He is actually super amazing, and I didn't know I could get so lucky.
I haven't had the desire to act out or anything.
I mean, we fight like everyone, but he just fits really well with me.
And it doesn't hurt that the sex is AMAZING.
Yeah, about that.
Well, I've been getting really into church lately, and about a month ago I decided I think we shouldn't have sex anymore until we get married.
We're not engaged or anything, I just meant I wanted to wait.
He agreed because he's wonderful, and it's been hard at times, but overall it has been good.
Well, we may have cheated a few times.
I don't know, it's hard because part of me really wants to.
And part of me wants to do what's right.
I kind of feel like I'm two different people.
The borderline girl who fucks anyone who looks at me the right way and the Christian girl who wants to put God first and have the right foundation for our relationship.
I mean I think I'm doing alright on the "fucks anyone" front because I haven't even been tempted to cheat on him, but I do still have the issue where I feel like I'm required to do it.
It's really complicated because it's not like I don't enjoy the sex.
It's as great as sex could ever be for me.
Especially since he always goes down on my after and makes sure I finish, which is VERY different for me.
He is the most selfless, giving person, both in the bedroom and out.
So anyway, it's like half of me wants to have sex because I get horny and I want to have an orgasm (which I think is what the general reasoning is supposed to be, right?) and the other half wants to have sex because I need to feel wanted and loved and such.
Anyway, the point is that I am still figuring all of this out.
And I feel like this is, by far, my healthiest relationship to date.
Like...I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm pretty sure he's the one.
I can see him being the person I spend the rest of my life with.
And, I guess, being borderline, I kind of get like that more than most, but something feels different with this.
I don't so much feel crazy as just loved, and lucky.

Fucked Up

Why am I  so fucked up right now?
Getting blood on my keyboard.
God what is wrong with me?
My uncle shot himself yesterday.
And my very favorite cousin who I grew up with.
Well he lost his brother and mom almost eleven years ago now,
And now his dad shoots himself.
And people just keep saying how fucking selfish he is, but I get it.
There is a point in your life where you just can't do it anymore.
What happens then?

Red

So I haven't cut in like 2 years.
Until now.
So yay relapse.
It's nights like tonight that I wish I did some sort of drug just to make things easier.
I have been drinking.
Half of one of the really big bottles of wine, and I'm still going.
And here I am.
I tore my razor up so I could get a blade because none of my kitchen knives were sharp enough to break skin.
But it's so nice.
The blood is so pretty and it just..I forgot how fantastic the pain feels.
Killian spent the night last night because you know he decided we could work or whatever and apparently I have a pahological problem.
But anyway, so I let him meet my son, Henry, which I really don't do.
I don't know what my fucking problem is or what caused me to trust him.
So he stayed the night and we had really great sex and talked for hours and it was really good.
And he said he was falling for me and that I'm wonderful and all this shit.
And then we got up this morning and he played Star Wars Guess Who with Henry.
And Henry likes him.
And then once Killian leaves I get a text that says when he woke up he thought he was at his old place with his ex.
And how he needs to take a breath.
And he's not ready.
Basically he's running when he promised me over and over last night that he wouldn't.
I know that he has his own issues, believe me.
But fuck, I thought I had been doing so much better and he just got me to open up so easily and I don't fucking get it.
So now that's it.
And I'm drunk and texting him stupid shit.
But my arm looks so pretty in scarlet.

List

I decided to make a list of the people I've slept with including a bit of detail on each.
I know, I'm a slut. I just turned 24 and this is a lot of people. Notice a lot more came after my husband than before. I just needed to have a list somewhere so I wouldn't keep losing track of my number.
Wow, 20. That's a lot. :/

1) P.R. - First serious boyfriend; first almost everything; dated on and off for 3-ish years
2) P.S. - Boyfriend; dated 3 months; had sex 1 time; first person to go down on me (also 1 time); virgin
3) T.M. - Boyfriend; dated 3-ish months
4) J.B. - Boyfriend; dated a little over a year; first anal
5) J.C. - Boyfriend; dated about 1.5 years; virgin
6) D.H. - Alcohol; dating Jerith first time; dated for like 2 weeks; hated him
7) S.C. - Not boyfriend first time; married later; divorced; terrible decision; awesome sex (while it lasted)
8) R.T. - Not boyfriend; messed around for a month or so with no real commitment
9) T.N. - Alcohol; was married*; lived in Virginia and just happened the few times he was in AL or the once I was in Va.
10) M.F. - Alcohol; was married* (sep); paid me the first time (I really needed to buy diapers); saw each other for several months regularly then it tapered off to a booty call every once in a while and ended finally about a year ago when he got a girlfriend; one last occurence 10/13 when I was contacted about a MMF threesome for his friend's birthday.
11) Z.R. - Alcohol; was married* (sep); only true one night stand; met in bar and took home; never saw again after next day
12) J.A. - Alcohol; was married*; yuck, bad decision I made a few times because of my loneliness and need for affection
13) S.D. - Alcohol; was married*; one time; bad decision
14) B.H. - Alcohol; was married*; once again, bad decisions; made me feel good for a while
15) B.K. - Married* (sep); Tried dating for a short while; mostly FWB status; couldn't do FWB thing after a while plus he had a drug problem
16) T.M. - Alcohol; Married* (sep); ONE TIME and it was horrendous so it shouldn't even count; bad bad decision (notice a pattern here?)
17) J.J. - Boyfriend (in secret) for about 3 months; moved to MS; still in contact
18) J.C. - Alcohol; FWB-ish for a few months; too old
19) B.H. - Alcohol; Other person in threesome prev. mentioned with M.F.; several times the one night and that's it; still kind of in contact
20) J.M. - Stupid decision I made 11/13/13; seemed like a good idea at the time.

*All that say I was married occured after I found out Steven cheated on me.
-If alcohol is listed, it means that at least the first occurence was the result of me being drunk, although possibly more or all were.

Manipulation

So, I think I may be way more manipulative than I'd like to admit.
Every time I see the descriptions for BPD, manipulative is one of the biggest negatives I see.
This has always offended me, but I'm starting to think more and more that it may be true.
I know everyone is manipulative to a point, but one thing sticks out from a few years ago, and I think it's starting to flare back up now.
The year after I graduated high school, I was still dating a guy who was in high school (yeah, yeah, cougar, I know).
Well, I broke up with him during the summer because I decided I was bored and I had other options.
Well, a month or so later, I got sad and changed my mind, and we got back together.
I was his first girlfriend, kiss, etc...
Obviously, I also took his virginity.
So anyway, when we got back together, he acted weird the whole time, and broke up with me a few weeks afterward.
Unfortunately, the poor guy was nice and wanted to be honest, so he told me there was another girl at school he liked.
I didn't even like him that much at that point, and I probably wouldn't have cared if not for that.
I didn't want her to have him.
So I waited until they had officially started dating, and then I told him he needed to come to my place and get his stuff.
I (for lack of a better term) seduced him, and left a MASSIVE (like softball sized) hickey on his neck.
I acted super apologetic and everything afterwards like I just got so passionate and didn't mean to, but it was totally on purpose.
So of course, the next day at school she was super pissed and never spoke to him again.
She did have a few choice words for me, but that only made the victory sweeter.
After that, he wanted me back and I laughed at him.
So anyway, flash forward to today.
As I said, my ex husband's girlfriend called me a few days ago.
I have continued talking to her all this time, and I haven't quite figured out why.
She seems nice enough, but I always think of Steven cheating on me when I talk to her.
We have discussed hooking up ourselves, which definitely interests me because I would at least like to try things out with a woman once to say I did.
And I may still do that, but I think I figured out what I've really been doing.
Even though steven and I are divorced, I hate him so I want to ensure this is screwed up for him.
I know that he will just find someone else, but I want to destroy this.
So I have passed on little things he has said about her in defense to me bringing her up.
I am currently the only one who can visit him, and he is spitting the "I love you. I screwed up. You're the one for me, etc..." crap.
I admit it's nice to hear.
So I'm playing it a little.
And it's like everyone is just playing into my hand.
She wrote him a letter, and he wrote me and said he wants nothing to do with her and he hopes he never talks to her again. I have that in writing. So I told her what he said.
It hurt her.
A lot.
But it also means Steven's bridge is burned.
I think I like hurting people.
At least ones that have hurt me.
I can see her POV sometimes, but I also still know that she knew he was married and had a son, and she fucked my husband anyway.
So I pretty much think she deserves it.

Lies

So basically I have been divorced for a month or so. I have been separated for almost 1.5 years. Well, a few days ago, my ex got arrested for sleeping with his bosses daughter who is 16. She was 15 at the time they had sex. So he's probably going to prison. Then his girlfriend contacted me and proceeded to inform me that they have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. Now, I believe this because it lines up. I found pictures she had sent him at the time, and my son has mentioned her since then, so I knew something was up. I didn't realize that. Well, since then, we've been talking, and I've found out way more than I would ever like to know. 4 girls from work, a mom from daycare, random people on craigslist, God only knows how many more that there's not a paper trail for. Basically, I have discovered that there wasn't a moment in our marriage where he wasn't cheating on me. The worst part is he never even seemed to feel remotely guilty. You know those signs a man is cheating? He didn't have the majority of them. I think he seriously just lacks a conscience. I think my best friend was more right than she will ever know when she diagnosed him as a psychopath. He literally has no regard for anyone besides himself, and the worst part is he can make you think he does. It's all such fucking bullshit. I really do hope he gets locked up for a few years because he deserves it. His son doesn't need that man as an example of what a man is. He is not a man, he is a selfish, dick-driven child. I honestly think he is a sex addict, although he will never admit to it to get help. He is going to be like this for the rest of his life, and I might as well just accept it. I can't do what I really want and kill him.