Things are pretty unpleasant right now. The
problem is that I can’t even explain why. In actuality, things are actually
going pretty well. I have a new job that I love. Killian is more than awesome.
Henry is even being pretty good (for a four-year-old.) I guess things aren't unpleasant, I guess maybe I am unpleasant. I haven’t had a super
bad down cycle for a few months, and I guess this is usually the time of year
that it happens. I can feel myself doing it, but it’s like I can’t stop myself.
I am picking fights with Killian for absolutely no reason. I’m being short with
Henry.
I
really worry with Henry. I look at how badly my parents screwed up my life, and
I wonder how well Seth can possibly turn out with a borderline mom and a narcissistic
sociopath for a dad; a narcissistic sociopath who will spend God-only-knows how
many years of Henry’s life in jail. I mean, I can’t even imagine what goes on
in his head. One second I’m loving on him and being sweet, and the next I may
be spanking him and screaming. I tell myself not to scream, but I can’t help
it. I’m like a toddler myself, emotionally speaking. I scream and cry and lash
out when I don’t get my way. That’s not how a parent should be. I’m supposed to
be the adult, but I am just as bad as he is.
I’m
also feeling the need to do something destructive. I haven’t done it. I guess that’s a
victory in itself, and I should probably celebrate the small victories, right?
I just worry about doing something stupid. Like, right now, I’m low, but I can
think fairly clearly. I am pretty reasonable. I think that is one of the
benefits that my diagnosis and therapy had on me. I can see the patterns in
myself and analyze them.
I
REALLY REALLY need to get back into therapy. I can’t afford it. Honestly,
though, I can’t afford my bills. So what’s one more? Killian has been helping
me more and more with bills. On one hand I feel guilty about it, but on the
other, it’s kind of nice. I mean, we are planning on getting married, so I
guess it’s going to happen anyway. Some of the fights I have been picking are
about money, though. I am feeling very resentful towards him when it comes to
money. I think a lot of it is left over from Marcus. I hated Marcus for
not wanting to do anything better. The fact that he was perfectly content with
working at a fast food place part-time making minimum wage for the rest of his
life was the worst thing in the world to me. I think that some of that is being
projected onto Killian. I mean, he’s trying to get a better job.
On
the other hand, though, he is being pretty picky. I am of the mindset that most
things are better than his current situation. I guess I just think that if
money was better, my life would be a million times easier. I took an hourly
pay-cut at my new job. My last job paid 50% more per hour, which was great when
I was getting 35-45 hours a week. When it got to the point that I was lucky to
get 25, though, it was a whole other story. So this job pays 50% less per hour,
but I’m guaranteed 40 hrs. The good news is that I’m not making any less than I
had been recently at my last job, but the bad news is that it’s still not
enough to pay my bills. This is why Killian has been helping me. My job is also
awesome though because a) I love it, and b) the hours are 8-5 M-F. That’s
almost unheard of with no degree or prior experience. I guess I just really
hope Killian gets a better job because it will show me that he cares enough to want
to take care of us. I’m definitely not the stay-at-home mom type, but having a
man who wants to take care of us would be nice. I mean, I also want to get back
into school, and there are a lot of classes I won’t be able to take without
working a little less.
I’m
just stressed. I’m always tired (even though I get plenty of sleep). I’m angry
and irritable. I’m feeling very reckless. I want to do something crazy. It’s
been REALLY hard to resist cutting lately. I talked myself out of it most
recently because I would have no way to hide the marks at work, but now I’ve
thought about it, and I realized that I could just cut my inner thighs. It
would probably hurt more, and I could easily hide it. I guess I really do need
some therapy.