Angry Rant Turns Crying Rant

I am so fucking frustrated.

I am seriously about to just say fuck it and be done.

This is the most screwed up situation, and I have no clue what to do about it.

He is freaking killing me here.

First of all, why can’t he just accept that I know when something is wrong?

I’ve explained it. I pick up very well on small queues, and I spend a lot of time around him, so I know when something is wrong.

Just be fucking honest.

It hurts so badly, and it’s so hard to just let it go and not think about it.

That’s how my brain is wired...

I am bad enough about thinking into things in my head as it is, but when you add the insecurity that I’m feeling with this entire situation, it’s almost unbearable.

My brain automatically takes everything that is said and dices it into inferences and assumptions.

For instance: Last night he says that I may find some guy while out with my friends to steal me away.

If this was me, that would be said because I wanted reassurance that it wasn’t going to happen.

I know that’s not the case, though.

He seems to know that he’s got me wrapped around his finger.

So, I guess another logical option would be that he was just joking, but my brain then has the problem of, why even bring something like that up?

If you’re going to joke or talk about something crazy that could happen, why not say I may slip, fall, and slide into the pins?

Here’s the problem.

It’s like he wants me to break up with him.

He doesn’t want to be the one to break my heart, so he’s hoping I will do it instead.

I don’t know for sure that it’s the case, but it seems that way.

He’s always talking about me “finding someone.”

Or he’s telling me all of these things I should dislike about him, and asking if I do.

I just don’t get it.

If you want to end it, end it.

I guess all I can come up with is that he’s torn.

Maybe he wants to, but there are other reasons he doesn’t want to.

Or maybe he just doesn’t want to hurt me.

Or maybe he doesn’t want to, per say, but he feels that he has to for some reason.

Or maybe it’s none of these, and he’s still thinking and deciding like we agreed.

It just doesn’t seem like the latter because he just gets into these modes of resolve when a decision is made, and this feels like that mode.

Or, it did, until last night.

I was feeling all super depressed and detach-y.

And I drank just a little, but enough to have my head screaming, “okay, you’re about to go into emotional shut down.”

So it was basically I needed to feel wanted really badly or I was going to break down and start crying at him (which went so well the last time, right?).

So I went with the first option and said I didn’t want to talk because I don’t need to make things worse by trying to tell him how I feel about crap when it obviously doesn’t matter.

So, that worked. And then he was cuddly and all sweet.

And he was sweet this morning.

I just wish it wasn’t so back and forth.

I hate to paraphrase Katy Perry, but geeze, this hot and cold thing is killing me.

It’s like I’m back on eggshells, never knowing what to expect.

And in my head I’m saying that if he wants to end it, he just should.

Or I should to nix all the bad feelings he would have.

But I just don’t want to.

It’s like for him this is just a thing.

I’m just another girl that liked him so he went along with it.

But for me it’s like having this person you’ve wanted for so long.

And you’ve thought about what it would be like and how great it would be and built it up in your imagination for so long.

And it’s finally real.

And I kind of wish it was terrible because maybe it would be easier for him to end it.

But it’s not. It’s sickeningly close to how I thought it would be.

I mean, of course, there are issues, there always are.

But when I’m happy and just enjoying time with him and not worrying about all of this stuff, I am so freaking happy.

Like...just...content.

I don’t remember when the last time I had that was.

It’s so hard knowing that what we are to him and what we are to me are so different.

And now I’m crying...at work...yuck.

I just wish I didn’t feel like the odd person out in every single part of my life.

And then there’s the problem that it’s obvious that he is interested in a FWB relationship when he breaks up with me.

I don’t want to say it because it makes me feel super shitty just thinking it could be true, but part of me thinks that the only reason he’s still in it right now is because he is enjoying having someone to have sex with.

If he finds someone else before our arrangement is up, I’m out.

He keeps making comments about being FWBs.

I just don’t think he has any clue how much little comments like that hurt.

Like the bowling thing, or talking about us being FWBs if/when we break up.

It makes me just want to sit and cry thinking that I have spent the past month trying to prove that I’m worth it and that we have a real shot and that he has spent it getting more and more detached from me and contemplating how he can still get laid once he dumps me.

I mean, I may be exaggerating, but the principle applies.

The fucked up part of that is that I would more than likely agree to it.

But it would be for the wrong reasons.

It would be very bad for me.

I am attached, I am so attached.

And not even like a codependent “need someone to need” attachment, but like a genuine, “I like this person being mine and don’t want to lose them” attachment.

So, because of that, I am sure I would agree.

And, yes, being able to continue with the naughty would be wonderful. Fantastic, even.

But I can’t do it no matter how much I say I can or want to or anything else.

I can say sex is just sex until I am blue in the face, but for me, it’s not.

I am learning that I am wrong in thinking that sex is love.

And that I can accept, even if I have difficulty with it occasionally.

But I am not one of those people who can completely detach emotionally and sleep with someone.

It is an emotional experience, letting someone be as close to you as anyone can be. Letting someone inside of you. And the kissing and touching and feeling of being desired.

It’s not just a physical thing.

So I would be getting emotional fulfillment while he was getting physical fulfillment, and then I would be repeatedly hurt when I was reminded that sex is all we have.

And eventually he would find someone else, and that would be a whole other problem in itself.

I don’t think I could say it out loud, but I know that if I continued with the sex after we broke up, I would be hoping that somehow he would realize he was wrong, or missed me, or something like that and want me back.

Logically, I know it’s not true, but it would be my underlying thought.

My subconscious is sick and twisted and, most of all, irrational.

That’s why, if I didn’t already have what he does, I most likely do now.

Because my fucked up idiotic subconscious somehow thought that I would seem more valuable if I didn’t care.

And if he was going to stick with me, I really honestly wouldn’t, but since he seems hell bent on ending it, I’m going to be in the same screwed position he is in.

Not that it’s really his fault. He didn’t know.

But he does know now, and he even cried saying that he felt so terrible for putting me at risk...

I wonder where that went?

Out the window with his openness and honesty I suppose. Or with his willingness to make this work.

I mean, I understand the Seth thing, I really do, but it fucking sucks.

It really does.

And I feel like something is wrong with me. Like I’m defective.

I have such a hard time with resenting Seth.

It’s not his fault I was such a skank and got knocked up, but he exists, so it is what it is.

The point is that this doesn’t help.

I wish I had known from the beginning so I could avoid all of this heartache.

Even more than that, I just wish I knew that he was actually putting in the effort now.

That he actually cares and really likes me enough to want to be with me.

I am so fucking sick of being the girl that’s good enough until something better comes along.

I am a fucking person and I have fucking feelings and I am sick of crying all the time and feeling like nothing because people only want me around when it’s convenient for them.

Okay, I am seriously crying now and I need to just stop typing.

That’s it for today.

I don’t know if this will be private or not...

I’m just being honest, but it’s stuff I don’t know how to say out loud.

He doesn’t usually read unless I tell him to, anyway.

I don’t know. We’ll see...

I Wanna Know What Love Is (BPD Criterion 2: Unstable Relationships)

Thanks to Foreigner for the title...haha. This time I'll be addressing the issue of unstable relationships. Below in black is what WebMD had to say to describe the criterion, but I feel the need to go on a bit of a tangent and discuss love in general (in relation to me, anyway) and I think this is the ideal setting to do it. So, without further ado...

· A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation: People with borderline personality disorder may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficent supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts other reflect disillusionment with a caregiver whose nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.

I have been reading through my LiveJournal that I started writing in at age 15 and starting to really be able to discern a pattern when it comes to my relationships. I mean, I already knew that I end up “in love” with everyone I date (and even a couple during my extra promiscuous phase that I didn’t date.) This is the main reason I don’t really know if I know what being in love with someone truly is. If I have honestly been in love with all of these people, then love doesn’t mean very much, obviously. Or, if I haven’t, then how can I determine who I was actually in love with? Or was I never in love with anyone? I really have no clue. I can sit here now and say who I think I had real feelings for and who I didn’t, but the real issue is that, in the moment, they all felt exactly the same. So, even if, in hindsight, I can determine which were real feelings and which weren’t, then what about when I’m in a situation where I’m having the usual feelings and can’t determine? I mean, I know what loving someone means. I love a lot of people in the sense that I care about them deeply and would do pretty much anything within my power to keep them happy/safe/etc... The people I love include my friends, so, in most cases, I am sure that I love the people I date. The question is was I in love with them. And then I guess the question is, “what does it really matter?” The one reason I know that it matters is to learn from my past. I want to be able to be with someone and know how I feel about them without being blinded (or even just shaded) by my need to be needed or just not be alone.

I have noticed a pretty solid pattern of being “in love” with all of my boyfriends right around the one month mark, but starting to think that way as early as a week. Surely enough, with the current guy, I went through the same thing. Right around the one month point, I started getting those googly feelings and thinking how I couldn’t live without him and hoping we’d be together forever. I even looked up the average time to say, “I love you,” and, luckily, was warned off of it by the poll and question answers basically declaring 3 months as kind of the point at which you start all of that. Even more fortunately, I started doing some research into my past and doing some really deep soul searching which led me to my current position: wondering not only if I know what love is, but if it even exists at all in a specifically romantic sense. Then there is the question of, since I’m not in love, what is this that I’m feeling? The best that I can come up with is that catch all term we hear all the time: infatuation. But how to tell the difference between that and love? I’m not sure yet.

So, it can be summed up that, yes, I have had a series of unstable interpersonal relationships. As for the idealization and devaluation, I know I’m guilty of this as well. I have a really hard time with idealizing people. I put the people in my life on a pedestal, and it’s a very high expectation to have. I don’t consciously think, “man, he’d better do everything right and pay attention to me constantly or I’m going to think he’s the worst person in the world.” That is pretty much what I do though. Logically, I know that a person cannot make me their world, but I still find myself frustrated or angry when that is not the case. Even worse, God forbid the person actually be human and make a mistake, and I automatically flip to the belief that they are terrible or don’t care about me. It is REALLY hard for me to get over the mistake after that. The worst is when I am the only person who thinks they did anything wrong, because then there’s usually not even an apology. I am the worst about bringing up things that happened eons ago because I’m angry or something reminded me of it, or, sometimes, just because I want to be a bitch. This is in both romantic relationships and others. I do this a lot with my best friend. Luckily, she has a fairly healthy emotional self, so she handles my shifts fairly well. However, when you take one of my parents, who both have psychological issues themselves, things get a little out of hand.

I think the worst case of idealization vs. devaluation that I can think of that isn’t in a romantic relationship is with my dad. We were very close when I was growing up, especially in my high school years when my mom wasn’t around and we kind of only had each other (and Brett, but he was a toddler). Since then, he has gotten remarried (to the super bitch from hell, but that’s mostly beside the point), and it has really affected our relationship. Now I rarely see him, and, when I do, I’m angry about not seeing him. It’s like I had this view of him as this super dad that worked all the time to take care of my brother and me, but he also found time to spend with us. Plus, I always had a lot in common with my dad since he was the smart parent and we could discuss things and read the same books and such. Well, now that he is with his new wife, my feelings are constantly hurt from not seeing him, and I feel like his new little family is more important than me. And it offends me when he knows all the crap I have going on and lets his wife talk shit about me. The main problem is that he is codependent as hell, and he lets whatever woman he is with walk all over him, and he becomes her little lapdog bitch and ignores the other important things in his life for her. When my mom was the woman, at least she deemed me an important thing for him to pay attention to. Unfortunately, this woman does not. In fact, she and I pretty much hate each other. I mean, I’ve heard of women not liking their husband’s daughters out of jealousy, but, really? Is that not just a little absurd?

I just wish everything wasn’t so black and white. I wish that I could be angry with someone without the feelings of hate that accompany it. Or that I could just really like someone and enjoy their company without having to constantly tell myself that I’m not really in love. I think the most important thing I need to have in order to work on this problem in particular is relationships with people that understand what my problems and patterns are, and can handle them accordingly. The main reason I end up in relationships with so many jerks, I think, is because they feed my needs, but in the wrong way. I have someone to have that back and forth love/hate relationship with- the relationships that no one should really be in. That’s not what I need, though. It’s what I want subconsciously, maybe even higher than that. I know that there is a big part of me that craves those unhealthy relationships for the instant gratification and the extreme feelings involved. I know, though, that I will never get better if I keep myself in those situations. I also know that I’m never truly happy. I just have to be able to remember that.
Still left:

Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

Don't Leave Me! (BPD Criterion 1: Abandonment)

I think that a lot of the problems that borderlines have stem from the fact that it’s really hard for people (whether it be significant others, friends, or family) to understand how they think about things or why they do the things they do. I understand from a logical point where the majority of what I do seems completely insane, but that doesn’t mean that I can stop it. Usually, that’s for one of two reasons: One is that I am not in a logical state of mind, and I literally can’t determine what is logical or normal and what is not. The other is that I know what I’m thinking/doing is wrong/illogical/crazy/etc... and I just don’t have either the will or the strength to stop it.

I posted an entry at the beginning of the week that listed all of the categories of codependency and I addressed them in relation to myself. Today, I’m going to do kind of the same thing, but I’m going to address the symptoms of BPD in relation to myself. I was trying to explain to the guy I’m seeing why I have such a hard time seeing things the way he does, and I was having a very hard time, so maybe this will shine a little bit of light on the subject. I copy and pasted everything in black from WebMD, and everything in blue is me.

The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive.

This disorder occurs in most by early adulthood. The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow.

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment: The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, emotion, thinking and behavior. Someone with borderline personality disorder will be very sensitive to things happening around them in their environment. They experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger, even when faced with a realistic separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans. For instance, becoming very angry with someone for being a few minutes late or having to cancel a lunch date. People with borderline personality disorder may believe that this abandonment implies that they are “bad.” These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-mutilating or suicidal behaviors

I hate being alone. Now, I don’t mean alone in the house. Actually, like everyone else, I appreciate the occasional moment of solitude especially when it means not hearing a two year old chatter on constantly. What I mean is that I can’t stand the thought of not having anyone. I don’t even know how to explain that. I mean, I know that I have friends and (a little bit at least) family. I mean alone in a romantic way. I know it sounds crazy, but I haven’t been completely alone for more than a few weeks in that aspect since elementary school. How did I manage that? Well, the number one rule was to NEVER EVER break up with someone until I already had someone else. Someone could be driving me up the fucking wall, and looking at him could make me sick, but I would stick around until I found someone new. Now, I’m not saying that I would cheat on the person. I would just find a new target, make sure he was interested, get him to the point where he was ready to date me (or almost there) and then break it off with the original person. Now, I should probably also say at this point that I am really bad with break ups. It generally takes a lot for me to break up with someone. And a big part of it is that I have a REALLY hard time seeing someone after a break up. So 9 out of 10 times, if I broke up with someone, I waited until the situation was one where I could completely cut the person off and never have to see him again. But, of course, there were times when people broke up with me. Even with me being as crazy as I am, it didn’t happen often, but when it did I had solutions. My first was that when someone would start acting distant or giving some of the signals that they were going to end the relationship, I would try to get in there first and find someone else so I would either be prepared when it happened or, sometimes, just be the one to do it first. The second option, although not as desirable, is to just cling to pretty much the first person I find after being broken up with. I haven’t done this as often, but one time it bit me in the ass, so I think that was the last time. I got with someone who I knew liked me just so I wouldn’t be alone, and then when I was ready to find someone new and start the break up process because he was getting on my last damn nerve, his dad died. How in the fuck do you break up with someone whose dad just died? Then terrible things kept happening as a result so I stayed with the guy for almost two years. Bleh. Anyway, I found an easier solution right after that little episode. I started talking to someone online (my now soon to be ex husband) and he was my person when I didn’t have a boyfriend. It was kind of perfect. I could still date people and have someone here, but he was always one call or dirty picture away when I was lonely or had a break up.
Honestly, I don’t even know what it’s like to be alone. It scares the hell out of me. I literally get sick to my stomach thinking about how it would feel to be completely alone. But in all honesty, it’s just pretend. I have been married for three years, and that’s the most alone I’ve been in my life. Yeah, I had someone there with me, and to anyone on the outside, I was in a relationship. But in actuality? I was alone. I didn’t have the love and nurturing that I need to make it. So I got worse and worse and clung to even the bad things because it was better than nothing. I would literally start a knock-down drag out fight just so we would communicate. I even almost liked when he would get violent because at least he was touching me. When you go for as long as I did without being touched, almost anything is better than nothing.
The final thing I’d like to say about this is that it’s not just in romantic relationships that this presents itself. It may be the most prominent in those situations, but I see evidence of this in other parts of my life. For one thing, I have abnormal friendships. For as far back as I can remember, I have always had one best friend. I don’t mean that I have had the same person be my best friend for that long; I mean that I only have one at a time. It’s almost like a relationship in itself. I will have one best friend, and spend the majority of my time with that one person. That person will be the end all and be all of any friendship, the closest person to me in the world. Yes, I will have other “friends,” but I will keep them at arm’s length, and I may even not like them that much. I have been through a few best friends for many reasons, mostly location or life circumstances, but it’s always the same pattern. I find one girl and cling to her until I can’t cling anymore. I get almost the same feelings for her as I have for a boyfriend. I mean, nothing romantic or sexual, just emotion-wise. Like, I get really jealous if she is spending time with other friends, and I get really worried about big life events. For instance, my current best friend is about to move out of state to go to graduate school, and I am worried out of my mind. Right this moment, I have been spending more time with other people than I ever would normally, and I know that it’s because subconsciously I’m trying to find a replacement.

Wow, so this turned into a whole blog entry in itself. Here’s what I’ll do: I will post this as its own thing, and list the other symptoms below as kind of a “what’s to come thing” and finish the others when I get back to a computer. Who knows? Maybe I’ll have to do a full entry on each part.

Here are the rest of the symptoms that will be discussed later:

• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

Crappy

Well, here I am. Sitting at boy's apartment.
I am just so confused lately.
I'm having a lot of trouble in pretty much every area.
Work is crap. What's that saying? Underpaid and under appreciated?
That's pretty much my life story.
Plus I've been having trouble getting my son to listen to me.
I have been working on that in therapy, though.
Well, we started it anyway. The small amount I did learn seems to be helping.
Mainly my issues (as usual) seem to be in the relationship area.
The husband thing is alright, I guess. He still hasn't gotten his divorce papers, I think he's deluded currently.
But, other than that, we're getting along okay and being civil as far as I can see.
There are a couple of guy friends that have seen the opening of me being separated and tried to pounce.
I'm not actually interested in any of them really, I just have a hard time explaining that.
I don't like the idea of people disliking me.
It makes me feel horribly uncomfortable...actually....panicky....
It's not like I go along with it or anything. I just, um, ignore it?
I guess I figure if I act oblivious to the come ons then they will eventually stop.
Then there's the guy of the moment.
I guess I've explained the gist of our situation.
I don't know, I feel like there is more to say, I just don't know what or how.
After the break-up thing, it was pretty yucky.
Like, we were back together and all, but he seemed miserable most of the time.
All that did was remind me of Steven.
Apparently my god-given talent is to make men miserable.
Tanget....
Anyway, the point is that I was feeling fairly crappy about it.
I don't know how much of it was just my head thinking that he was miserable because the relationship ended to begin with and how much was actually him acting different. I do know it wasn't all me, though.
Because, we go through some fairly serious crap, and then I stick around while he's super seriously depressed (possibly suicidal, tbd), and then I go over there yesterday and he's back to the pre-break up self.
Sweet and cuddly and clingy. It made me unreasonably happy.
And then last night, he snuck into my house (he was driving past it, but still) and slept with me for just the few hours until I had work.
I don't know, it seems like he is actually liking being around me again.
Ugh. I hate not knowing what he is thinking.
It is so frustrating...
It's like, every time I think he's acually really into me, he does or says something that makes me think otherwise.
Then I start thinking that he doesn't actually like me that much and he's just in it to abate his lonliness until something better presents itself, and then he does something that makes me think otherwise from that situation.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
And he started the whole relationship with this "honesty honesty honesty" bullshit, but I never know what in the hell he is thinking.
I can ask a direct question, and he may not lie, but he just like....avoids the question?
Usually he acts like he doesn't understand what I am asking at that point, but it's ridiculous...he's seriously one of the smartest people I know, but he can't understand half of my questions?
I guess part of it may be that he's just not used to me.
But, I mean, how is he going to be?
I am fucking bat shit crazy.
I require all of this attention and work and love...
Ah....then there's that.
The infamous "L word,"
...He keeps coming over to sit next to me, so I suppose I will finish on this subject later.
I guess I will go ahead and post since we are doing this "honesty" thing.
We'll see how long that lasts when he sees al lthe crazy crap I think, muahahaha. :p
...but seriously.

How to Please the Unpleasable

I will be back to write in a bit, I just found this on another borderline's blog and felt like I needed to have it saved somewhere in case anyone ever asks me what it takes to keep me happy. A reader of her blog asked a question, and she gave a really good response:

I'm guessing you've had close romantic relationships with people. I saw your page and said hey, this could help me. I've been in an off and on relationship with a girl who I am 99% sure has some sort of disorder such as is described here. Just wondering how those relationships turned out for you. Any advice? I've been trying for years. It's so hard.

My relationships tend to be turbulent and intense, but not permanent. Then again, nothing is ever permanent until it is. Currently I’m single, if that tells you anything (of course I’m taking time off to just work on me - I feel to unstable to inflict myself on someone else). For me the best thing that helps is honesty and reassurance. It can be a little daunting to constantly reassure someone that you’re not going to leave, but small things, random texts to say your thinking about them, little things you know make her smile… just being honest about how you feel about her and telling her. Telling her, is the main thing, don't assume she knows. Include her in the plans you want to do, use ‘us’ and ‘we’ statements instead of just ‘I’ or ‘me’. Also if you think it’s possible for her, cognitive behavior therapy has done wonders for me. If she’s open to the possibility of therapy it could be very beneficial but this is something that must be brought up very tactfully and with the message that you want her to be the happiest with herself that she can be; her happiness is what's important to you, that it will make your relationship stronger and you will be there beside her the whole time. With therapy it often helps to have an objective third person point of view, that isn't emotionally attached to you, to provide stable input. Hope this helps.

*Note from me* Really the stuff in bold is the important part, but I didn't want to cut out half of the post. I am in therapy currently, so at least I'm doing my part. I'm really really trying to get past my issues, but it's hard and it takes time and patience. I fight with it every day. I literally leave therapy feeling drained and exhausted, like if I did hardcore exercise for several hours and then gave blood. I hate it, and it's so hard for me to be honest, but I am trying. Anyway, I will do an actual post later from the boy's house. Adios.

Am I Codependent?

I read a few BPD blogs so I can see how I relate to people with the same thing as me. My therapist has been on about my codependency lately, and I was having a problem distinguishing between what the differences really are between BPD and codependency. I happened to find a blog posting that addresses exactly that, and it seems to me that they overlap considerably, but each one also causes its own set of problems as well. Some of us get the luck of being both. Part one of the original blog entry can be read here, but I decided to take part 2 and do a little something with it. The original poster listed the symptoms of codependency and then followed each one with a synopsis of how it related to her. It seemed both educational and cathartic, so I'm going to do that very thing today. Her original posting will be in the standard color, and I removed her relation and replaced it with mine in blue. Here goes nothing... :)

Apparently she originally found the list of symptoms here. So I guess I should add that in there.

Symptoms: 

Care taking: the codependent individual feels responsible for other people. S/He feels anxious and even guilty when another has a problem. S/He feels compelled to help that person solve their problem. S/He anticipates the other's needs and feels angry when his help is not effective or rebuffed. At the same time, the codependent feels slighted that others won't help her/him out when s/he needs help. However, this same individual who is constantly doing way too much for others, and not getting "any" help from anyone, will usually answer when asked what is wrong or what do you need, responds, "Oh, nothing." The codependent minimizes his/her own worth. The codependent is his/her own worst enemy.

I definitely do this. I was actually just having a conversation with my therapist the other day where I came to the realization that so many of the people I've slept with (or anything of the like) has been out of guilt. I get people to the point of wanting it because it makes me feel so good to be wanted, then I don't actually want to follow through. But I feel so guilty about it that I do anyway. Also, like with my husband. He keeps making me feel guilty about the fact that he can't pay his bills. The logical part of me says "fuck him, maybe he'll get a beter job," but the bigger part feels bad and like I should help. I'm even paying for daycare completely by myself to help him out. Even when it somes to other relationships. Like my mom. She's living with me now, and even though she drives me up the wall and has screwed me over one time after another after another, I still keep taking it.

The codependent is over committed, harried, pressured, feels safe when giving, but insecure when someone gives to him/her, goes out of her/his way to help others, and believes deep inside that other people are responsible for the way they are and will blame others for the "spot" they are in. Others make them feel the way they feel, they are victimized, angry, unappreciated, and used. Others are driving them crazy.

Insecure when receiving? Absolutely. I feel weird about someone buying me a meal, much less anything more than that. The only way I will accept something more than that really is if my son is related and I know it will affect him. I even feel uncomfortable when I get more out of sex than the other person. I can't say that I really blame others for their misfortunes. Well, not usually. I mean, I guess it depends on the situation. I know that shit happens. Trust me, I'm there now. I also know that some people want to do nothing and expect everything, and that does drive me nuts. I will admit that the last two sentences are true. I have only come to terms with this in my last few years in therapy, but I like to be the victim. I am the type of person that will be an absolute bitch or psycho or whatever it takes to make someone leave me rather than man (or woman) it up and leave him. I am also always feeling sorry for myself, but then I never do anything about it. And someone can ask me what's wrong, and I don't tell them. It's like I need to feel crappy about myself, but I'm not allowed to let anyone else know

Low Self Worth: codependents tend to come from troubled, dysfunctional families, and will deny this to the very end. They blame themselves for their family's shortcomings. They blame themselves for everything. They pick on themselves constantly: not intelligent enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not athletic enough, not good enough. But if another criticizes them, boy do they get defensive and angry, not to mention self-righteous. Don't try to give a codependent a compliment; they reject all compliments and praise, even though they get depressed from lack of compliments and praise. They feel "different" from the rest of the world. They reject themselves, but fear rejection. Everything is taken personally, they love being the victim (though will deny it with their last breath). They have been victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, abandonment, neglect, and/or alcoholism. They feel like victims, carry lots of guilt and shame, and think their lives are not worth living. They should have done this, should have done that. They "should" themselves to death. Codependents say, "Why me?" on the outside, and know "why me" on the inside. While trying to prove to others that they are good enough, to themselves they feel worthless and empty.

I definitely came from a dysfunctional family, but I don't deny it. I don't even think it's my fault. I mean, I might have when I was younger, but it didn't take long to realize where the problem was. I definitely have the poor self-esteem and thoughts about myself mentioned. I think really terrible things about myself all of the time. And the thing with the defensive statement is that I can take jokes about a lot of things, but really makes me mad/hurts me are thngs that I already think about myself. For instance, you can say I'm an idiot, and I can laugh it off. I know that I'm an intelligent person. But if you start calling me a bad parent, or crazy (unless you're like one of three people who I know don't actually feel that way) then I actually get hurt and get defensive and pissed off. And yeah, I have a hard time accepting compliments. It's weird for me to think that people think good things about me when I think such horrible things about myself. I can usually accept compliments in regards to academics/intelligence or in regards to how awesome of a kid I have (which may not even count as a compliment towards me), but that's about it. It's right, though. I probably give the idea that I don't like compliments when I say "nuh uh" to every one, but in actuality, that's the only time I hear positive thoughts about myself, so too long without any can be a bad thing for me. I was the victim of some verbal, emotional, and even a little physical abuse from my parents, and I also have memories of some sexual abuse by an older child in my younger years. So that applies. And yeah, I feel like I am constantly trying to prove myself, that's probably why I have always done so well in school. I got attention from teachers and other students for being so bright. What would anyone expect from some of the stuff I've been through?

Repression: most codependents repress their own needs, their own desires. They are afraid to let themselves be who they are and often appear rigid and controlled. They repress all thoughts of self-worth out of their awareness and they are full of guilt. Codependents cannot have fun.

I don't think that I can't have fun. I just think that it's difficult to completely let go and enjoy myself fully. I can have fun, I just always have negative stuff going on in my head, too. It's a balancing act. Sometimes having a little bit to drink helps me loosen up, but generally, I just kind of try to enjoy myself without completely losing control of the situation. I have such control issues as it is, though, that it's hard for me to not be in control of anything. That's probably why I am so interested in being dominated in a sexual manner. I have never been able to submit control fully to anyone. Even with my husband when I was completely at his will at all times, I still felt like I was in control because me doing those things kept him around. So I was in control of the relationship in my mind.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: codependents worry. They worry about the slightest and silliest things (True): they worry that people are talking about them (True); they worry that people are not talking about them (True); they lose sleep over little things (True); they check up on others (True); they try to catch people in the act (True); they never find any answers (False), they focus on other's problems (True); they spend money compulsively (True); eat or drink compulsively (True) ; and wonder why they have no energy and why they never get anything done (True!).

So apparently almost all of these apply to me. As far as people talking about me. I do worry constantly that everone I like/trust and even those who don't are trash talking me on a regular basis. And then I also get worried if I think people are just too concerned with other things or just don't care me enough to not talk about me. Especially concerning romantic relationships. I have this crazy notion where I think my significant other should spend every moment thinking about me. Logically and realistically, I know that's not true, but it doesn't stop the pain when I know it's not true. I check up on others. Yes, I admit it. I'm nosy as all get out. But I have good reason (or at least I think so...). I've been cheated on and lied to so many times, that I have a hard time thinking that I may actually be able to fully trust anyone ever again. Even with this new guy, he went off on this whole thing about how important honesty was, and he couldn't even tell me that he had been reconsidering us. If he can keep such a small thing so easily, why not something larger?

Controlling Behaviors: codependents try to control events and people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination. They are afraid to let people be who they are or let events happen naturally. They've lived in so many situations in which they had no control (abuse, alcoholism, etc) that they now try to control everything and get frustrated and angry when they cannot. They end up feeling controlled by events. They feel controlled by others. They resist change as if change were a contagion.

I'm manipulative. I'll admit it. Most of the time, I don't mean to be (at least not consciously), but it happens. It's like my automatic reaction when I don't get what I want is to do something manipulative without even thinking about it. It's like my feelings/reactions are still stuck in toddler more. Toddler doesn't get his way, and he yells, cries, and probably says something like, "I no love you mama" to make you feel like crap and want to make everything better. I get hurt, and I do pretty much the same thing. Someone tells me something I don't like or want, and I automatically start with the passive agressiveness. Like, "Oh, that's fine. I'll just go home and sit alone." or "Okay, as long as you're happy, I guess." As I said before, I am a terrible control freak. I feel like if something doesn't go by the rigid structured plan I have, the world will end. Now, that's not to say I can't be spontaneous. I can, but I just have to be the one calling the shots. And then obviously there's the change thing. Anyone who knows me knows that this is true. I spend every moment of every day trying to resist change. I can handle small changes, but certain things throw me completely off. For instance, my best friend is about to move to another state for school, and I am freaking out because I am scared we won't be friends anymore. I should also throw out there that when she graduated high school and I still had a year left that I felt the same way, and it worked out okay. Once again, I know that logically. It's just hard to register on an emotional level.

Denial: codependents ignore problems or pretend they do not exist. They pretend things are not as bad as they are; they tell themselves it will get better; they stay busy to avoid thinking about things; they get confused, sick, depressed and visit doctors for a prescription. Many are workaholics. They lie to themselves and others. They believe their lies. And most of all, codependents will leave a healthy situation (by lying to themselves that it was an unhealthy situation) and get back into an unhealthy situation; though for the most part, most codependents either never leave an unhealthy situation/relationship, or they go from one unhealthy situation/relationship to another.

This is a big one for me, although I can happily say that I've made leaps and bounds with it since my diagnosis in 2010. One thing about therapy is that it requires you to admit a lot of stuff to yourself and out loud that you would probably never come to terms with on your own. I am even to the point now that I usually know exactly what I'm doing that is unhealthy, I just don't have the power/skills/whatever to stop it. But G.I. Joe says knowing is half the battle, so that must be good for something, right?

Dependency: codependents do not feel happy or content with themselves. They look to others to supply them their happiness or their needs. They are threatened by the loss of anything or any person that provides them with their happiness.

They do NOT love themselves. They did not feel loved by their parents. They equate love with pain and believe others are never, ever there for them. They need people more than they want them; their lives revolve around someone else's life; they tolerate abuse; feel trapped; leave one bad relationship and jump into another bad relationship. They wonder if they will ever find true love. And if they do find true love, they will leave that and find a loveless relationship because deep inside (often beneath consciousness) they feel unworthy of love.

Who really feels happy or content with themself, actually? My wager would be not many people. It takes a lot to be that person. I think the key here that points out the BPD/Codependency is the second part: where they do find their happiness. I can honestly admit that, yes, this is me to a tee. This is probably one of the biggest challenges I face in my recovery. I honetly don't know how to not do this. I have been this person my whole life. I honestly think most of the time that I don't even know who I really am. I can literally take almost every facet of my likes/desires/personality and appoint it to someone I picked it up from. Like, "oh, well so and so liked this, so I decided I did, too." Or is that normal? Is that just how everyone learns things that they like? I don't know. I do know that I will pretend to like something for someone else to the point that I forget I ever didn't like it. A lot of things are that way. It makes me think of this episode of Gilmore Girls, where Lorelai is sitting staring at a pop tart until Rory finally asks her what's up. She admits that she loves pop tarts so much and always eats them, but now she's questioning if she really loves pop tarts, or if she just loved them because her mother hated them. I mean, I know that's kind of opposite, but the principle applies.
I don't know that I equate love with pain, per say. I'll admit that I feel most comfortable in one of those relationships where you love hard and fight harder, but I always thought that was more the exilaration than anything else. And, you know, starting a fight just so you'll feel something. Yes, I need people, yes I make people the center of my universe. I also want them to do the same for me. Apparently that's unhealthy. That's going to be hard as hell to break. I've been like this as long as I can remember. How do you even change something so ingrained into your head? Yes, I worry I'll never find true love, once again, who doesn't? I don't even know if I believe in love half of the time. I have told anyone I've ever actually dated that I love them, but I doubt that was true for most of them. I mean, I believe in love as in I love my son, and my best friend. But being in love? Sounds like bullshit to be honest.

Poor Communication Skills: codependents blame, threaten, coerce, beg, bribe, and advise others. They don't mean what they say and don't say what they mean. They don't take themselves seriously and expect others to do the same. They avoid getting to the point, asking indirectly for attention by sighing, crying, or moping around. They say everything is their fault. They say nothing is their fault. They can't get to the point, and if pressed, they're not sure what the point really is. They believe their opinions do not matter and have difficulties asserting their rights or expressing honest emotions, openly and appropriately. They apologize for bothering people.

Check, check, check, etc... I think this is just summing up being passive agressive for the most part, and that is defintiely what I am. This is just a woman thing, though. I mean, mine may be to the extreme nth degree, but the fact remains. I have a hard time saying what I need (although I am improving), and I think it's because I usually feel like I don't deserve it. Otherwise, it can usually be attributed to the thought process of "I don't want someone to do something because I want them to do it. I want them to do it because they want to. If I tell them what I want/need, then they will only do it because of that." I know that sounds silly, but it has a lot to do with testing whether someone actually cares about you or not.

Poor Boundaries: codependents say they won't tolerate something from anyone, and then engage themselves in exactly that. Then they gradually increase their tolerance levels until they can tolerate most anything others do to them. They allow others to hurt them, over and over and over again. They stay in bad relationships for all the wrong reasons: to fix the other; for the kids (like kids need to grow up in a loveless relationship); because things will get better; and worst of all: because they feel they deserve to live in hell. They complain and blame but far too many never get away from their abuser. Then they finally get angry and become totally intolerant and the cycle begins all over again.

Actually, my therapist had me reading a book called boundaries, and I think it was helping at least a little. I do tend to let people run me over and treat me like crap. I can also proudly say that I got out of the worst of my situation, and that's filing for divorce. If that's not a boundary, then I don't know what it is. Now the key is to create (and hold to) boundaries with other people.

Lack of Trust: codependents do not trust themselves, their feelings, their decisions, other people, or even God. And then, right out of the blue, they'll trust someone who is totally untrustworthy.

Um...I...okay...yeah... Unfortunately that's true. I honestly can't think of any person I 100% trust. I guess that's sad, but what can you do? I don't even know that I believe in God at this point, I definitely don't trust myself with how fucked up I am, and everyone else has screwed me over at some point.

Sexual Problems: codependents go through cycles in the bedroom. They are caretakers there too. They have sex when they don't want to or withdraw sex to punish their partner. They try to have sex when they are hurt or angry, and refuse to enjoy it. They withdraw emotionally from their partner, feel revulsion toward their partner, and don't want to talk about it. They reduce sex to a technical act, wonder why they don't enjoy it; lose interest; make up reasons to abstain, wish their partner would die, go away, or guess what is wrong with them; they have strong sexual fantasies about others and consider having affairs.

Yes. I have sex when I don't want to. Actually, 9 out of 10 times I don't really want to, per se, I just want to feel wanted and/or loved. I have never withdrawn it to hurt anyone, but that's probably out of fear and guilt more than anything else. I have been able to genuinely enjoy sex with very very few people, and even then, it's hit and miss. It's got to feel emotionally right. I think a lot of my problem is that I equate sex with love and have a really hard time separating the two. After my promiscuous period, I got better at being able to have sex with someone without thinking I'm in love (as long as it falls within a short period of time and I don't spend too much time with the person outside of that), but once I (think I) am in love with someone, any time I get rejected for sex, I feel like it's a rejection of me as a person or my love.

codependents can be extremely responsible or irresponsible, they become martyrs, sacrificing their own happiness. They find it difficult to be happy, feel close to others, or have fun and be spontaneous. They are passive aggressive, feeling passive, hurt, helpless yet violent and angry. They laugh when they want to cry. They are ashamed of their families, of their relationships. They cover up, lie, and protect their family from their problems. They don't seek help because they don't feel the problem is all that bad. And then they wonder why the problems never go away.

Over-responsibility – is taking responsibility for someone else’s problems. A person who is over-responsible will blame themselves for the actions, feelings, and thoughts of others. This can make them a victim of the problems other people have regardless of whether or not those problems have anything to do with them.

Eh. I guess I do this to a point. Especially when it concerns someone directly related to me. Like my son, or maybe my husband or someone I'm dating, maybe even my best friend. But not quite to the extreme here.

General:

In I am very responsible in a lot of aspects: working full time and being damn good at my job, making sure my son is taken care of, focusing on school (for the most part). I am also irresponsible in areas, though: I have a hard time managing money. I make sure my son has what he needs, but from there I have trouble. I also go into modes where I am very self-damaging with things such as alcohol, promiscuity, etc... I am good at faking happiness, but I rarely actually feel happy. When I do, it is almost always attributed to a guy making me feel good or, occassionally, something my son does (which is definitely the more healthy of the two.) I have already addressed that I'm passive agressive. I absolutely have a problem with lying. I lie to almost everyone I know all the time. The only reason I haven't lied to the current guy (except for maybe a "nothing" or "I'm okay" is because I promised him from the very beginning that I wouldn't. It's really hard, though. I lie to my best friend (probably the most), my family, work, whoever to keep me out of trouble mainly, but also to get my way. I have spent my whole life thinking (or maybe pretending) that nothing was wrong and that I am normal, but at least I finally have made the step of finding out what's wrong and trying to get help. It's hard. It's going to get way worse, but in the end, I hope it will be worth it.

All I want for myself is to be able to be happy and in a normal healthy relationship.

I want my son to grow up seeing what a relationship is and how to be happy.

Even if it takes me so long to fix this that I don't get to enjoy it, hopefully he will get to.

A Lot Can Happen In A Year and A Half...

Well, it's been a good while since my last post.
I was so ready to leave my husband that he agreed to go to marriage counseling not long after that post.
Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean I'm always in the wrong.
Actually, since I'm the way I am, it's more likely that I find someone that's another type of crazy that feeds mine.
*cough*husband*cough*
Tangent. Tangent. Tangent.
The point is that we went to about 3 weeks of marriage counseling before I decided that the therapist was completely on his side and they were double teaming me so I stopped going.
This was also the same therapist I was seeing for single therapy, so that ended, too.
The one good thing she did, though, was help me realize how important it was to get myself back in to school.
School is the only place I've ever felt confident and comfortable with myself, so it's something very important for me.
So I did it. I filed an appeal and got back into school. Now I've been in for 3 semesters and I can't wait for summer to be over so I can get back at it. After years of fighting with myself, I finally gave in and admitted that my true desire is to teach. Even if it means not having as much money as a chemical engineer.
Things just got worse and worse with my husband. We literally never had sex. For over a year.
We barely talked. He was on the computer constantly. Working a part time, minimum-wage job and refusing to do anything better.
The thing is, I wouldn't mind a job like that if he was in school doing something to actually better himself.
He is just happy doing the bare minimum in every facet of life. It makes me sick that anyone can live like that.
Plus there's the face that we fought any time we did talk. I just got to the point where I was having trouble even standing being in the same room with him.
But of course my BPD, codependency, whatever part of my crazy it was, wouldn't let me just be fine with leaving him and being alone.
I had to have someone else to cling to so I could make it through the alone stage.
I had plenty of people willing to be that person, but I didn't want it to be just anybody because it was going to be rough and I was going to need someone I actually liked being around, talking to, etc...
Well, not long ago, I found the prime candidate. A guy I used to work with was fairly fresh out of a break-up with his super bitch ex. I had a crush on him years ago, but it was one of those that always kind of lingered at the back of my mind.
He was the guy I always called or texted when I got drunk. Without fail.
Anyway, more than a year without sex and a guy you've had a crush on for years flirting with you (admittedly after blatantly having to spell out that I was very interested), things tend to go certain ways.
We went to get lunch once, and a short time later he invited me over and made me lunch.
Well, it can be inferred what my borderline self did from there.
It felt so fantastic to feel wanted and liked and, I guess, like I mattered.
That combined with the fact that I finally got myself back into therapy made me realize how much I really wanted to get a divorce.
And I finally felt like I had the strength to actually go through with it.
I filed almost a month and a half ago and moved out, and I've been doing fairly well since then.
He's been suprisingly civil about trading our son back and forth.
As for the thing with the other guy. It went really well for about a month, and then something just kind of broke down, I guess.
I made a point to ask from the very beginning multiple times if he was okay with the fact that I have a kid.
He assured me over and over that he was.
Unfortunately, it took a little over a month for him to realize otherwise.
I did the great job of letting myself get super uuber attached, and then he just suddenly drew back one day and wouldn't tell me what was wrong.
Being the unbelievable snoop I am with an insatiable curiosity, I checked his Facebook and found a message with a friend that involved him saying that he didn't see us lasting long term, he didn't feel good about my son, and he just didn't know about us in general.
I'm going to be honest. It hurt. A whole hell of a lot.
I kind of broke down alone in his bedroom and cried for about 30 minutes.
Then I talked to one of my friends who kind of calmed me down and said I should talk to him about it.
So, I did, and it went badly. I left and that was supposed to be it.
I felt like absolute crap for the next day and had to stay on Xanax just to function.
I don't really know about how he felt, but I guess he either missed me, too or just felt really lonely because when I had the idea of us doing like a trial period with no real commitment, he agreed.
I still don't know if that was a good idea.
I feel like it was really just delaying my pain a little bit.
Possibly even making it worse because, although I promised to not let myself get any more attached, how do you actually do that when you are spending all your free time with someone, having lots of amazing (no, like, AMAZING) sex, just enjoying yourself in general?
It's freaking hard.
So here I am, trying to keep my distance, but kind of not doing a very good job.
Plus, we've been through a good bit in the past couple of weeks (like, some hardcore stuff) and I had a couple of easy outs, but I stuck around.
I just hope he realizes that. He says that he's even more confused now after all of that. I just hope in the end that he sees how much I am actually willing to put into this, and that it takes someone who really cares to stay around and be here for him through all of this.
I don't know. Maybe I'll end up hurt or worse off in the end, but hopefully the small chance of that not happening is worth the huge chance that it does...