Manipulation

So, I think I may be way more manipulative than I'd like to admit.
Every time I see the descriptions for BPD, manipulative is one of the biggest negatives I see.
This has always offended me, but I'm starting to think more and more that it may be true.
I know everyone is manipulative to a point, but one thing sticks out from a few years ago, and I think it's starting to flare back up now.
The year after I graduated high school, I was still dating a guy who was in high school (yeah, yeah, cougar, I know).
Well, I broke up with him during the summer because I decided I was bored and I had other options.
Well, a month or so later, I got sad and changed my mind, and we got back together.
I was his first girlfriend, kiss, etc...
Obviously, I also took his virginity.
So anyway, when we got back together, he acted weird the whole time, and broke up with me a few weeks afterward.
Unfortunately, the poor guy was nice and wanted to be honest, so he told me there was another girl at school he liked.
I didn't even like him that much at that point, and I probably wouldn't have cared if not for that.
I didn't want her to have him.
So I waited until they had officially started dating, and then I told him he needed to come to my place and get his stuff.
I (for lack of a better term) seduced him, and left a MASSIVE (like softball sized) hickey on his neck.
I acted super apologetic and everything afterwards like I just got so passionate and didn't mean to, but it was totally on purpose.
So of course, the next day at school she was super pissed and never spoke to him again.
She did have a few choice words for me, but that only made the victory sweeter.
After that, he wanted me back and I laughed at him.
So anyway, flash forward to today.
As I said, my ex husband's girlfriend called me a few days ago.
I have continued talking to her all this time, and I haven't quite figured out why.
She seems nice enough, but I always think of Steven cheating on me when I talk to her.
We have discussed hooking up ourselves, which definitely interests me because I would at least like to try things out with a woman once to say I did.
And I may still do that, but I think I figured out what I've really been doing.
Even though steven and I are divorced, I hate him so I want to ensure this is screwed up for him.
I know that he will just find someone else, but I want to destroy this.
So I have passed on little things he has said about her in defense to me bringing her up.
I am currently the only one who can visit him, and he is spitting the "I love you. I screwed up. You're the one for me, etc..." crap.
I admit it's nice to hear.
So I'm playing it a little.
And it's like everyone is just playing into my hand.
She wrote him a letter, and he wrote me and said he wants nothing to do with her and he hopes he never talks to her again. I have that in writing. So I told her what he said.
It hurt her.
A lot.
But it also means Steven's bridge is burned.
I think I like hurting people.
At least ones that have hurt me.
I can see her POV sometimes, but I also still know that she knew he was married and had a son, and she fucked my husband anyway.
So I pretty much think she deserves it.

Lies

So basically I have been divorced for a month or so. I have been separated for almost 1.5 years. Well, a few days ago, my ex got arrested for sleeping with his bosses daughter who is 16. She was 15 at the time they had sex. So he's probably going to prison. Then his girlfriend contacted me and proceeded to inform me that they have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. Now, I believe this because it lines up. I found pictures she had sent him at the time, and my son has mentioned her since then, so I knew something was up. I didn't realize that. Well, since then, we've been talking, and I've found out way more than I would ever like to know. 4 girls from work, a mom from daycare, random people on craigslist, God only knows how many more that there's not a paper trail for. Basically, I have discovered that there wasn't a moment in our marriage where he wasn't cheating on me. The worst part is he never even seemed to feel remotely guilty. You know those signs a man is cheating? He didn't have the majority of them. I think he seriously just lacks a conscience. I think my best friend was more right than she will ever know when she diagnosed him as a psychopath. He literally has no regard for anyone besides himself, and the worst part is he can make you think he does. It's all such fucking bullshit. I really do hope he gets locked up for a few years because he deserves it. His son doesn't need that man as an example of what a man is. He is not a man, he is a selfish, dick-driven child. I honestly think he is a sex addict, although he will never admit to it to get help. He is going to be like this for the rest of his life, and I might as well just accept it. I can't do what I really want and kill him.

Feelings

So, there's a guy I've known since 2008 that I have had an on/off text flirting thing with for years.
He has a thing for pirate stuff, so I'm going to call him Killian.
Nothing ever came of it, we would just text in between his girlfriends or whatever and flirt around.
He also sent me a dick picture once, but whatever.
So anyway, he messaged me a couple of weeks ago.
He and his most recent girlfriend (of 2 years) had broken up.
It wasn't like he messaged me trying to hook up or anything, we just talked a lot and eventually last Weds he asked me if I wanted to go out with him that Friday night.
So I did. We went to eat and then came back to my house and watched a movie.
We kissed some, but that was it.
Then he continued texting me and being super sweet to me.
I was off Monday so he came over shortly after I had taken my son to daycare and we just watched tv all day basically.
We kissed a little more, but that was really it.
So then Monday night he asks if I like having someone go down on me, and I'm like duh, so then he proceeds to tell me how much he likes it, and the conversation gets a little dirty, but then end point is that he wants to go down on me next time he sees me.
So then he is sick and calls in to work Tuesday night (he works 3rd shift) so I offer that he come over when he wakes up Weds morning and I will make him soup and stuff.
I wasn't thinking of any of the dirty stuff because I figured since he was sick it wasn't in the cards.
So we watched a couple of things and ended up going to watch tv in my bedroom because it was cold and we could get under the covers.
So of course we started kissing and one thing led to another until he ended up going down on me.
It was good, but I was so in my head and distracted and nervous that I ended up faking.
So then I was still horny so it progressed even more and we ended up having sex (where I faked it yet again).
Then we cuddled some before I got up and had to get ready for work.
So that was alright.
But then I realize that we hadn't had a conversation about exclusivity, and this is a guy I actually like, not someone I can do the FWB thing with (although, as we all know, I have trouble with that anyway).
So I make the mistake of asking him and (at least he's honest) he tells me he's been talking to one other girl and that things are really complicated because they have a complicated history and she is his, and I quote, "kryptonite."
Now this is a girl I kind of know. We have a few friends in common and hung out in a group once.
Actually, I drunkenly made out with her that night, but that doesn't seem pertinent to the story...
Anyway, we're friends on facebook.
Let's call her B.
So he tells me this and I'm not really mad at him.
I mean, we never had a conversation about exclusivity, it's my fault, I should have asked before I was a slut.
But then B messages me on FB about this time and proceeds to tell me that not only were they talking, but he was telling her he loved her the night before and then came to my house and screwed me the next day.
Knowing him as long as I have, I know that this situation was not his intention, but it's a crappy one.
So anyway, I basically told him that if he was confused about who to "choose" then I would make it easier on him and eliminate myself from the equation.
At the time I thought I was being quite grown up and mature about it, but I see now that I was probably being a little manipulative.
But whatever, so he's saying he's so confused, and B is telling me that she's in love with him (and I'm pretty sure she's got some narcissistic personality disorder going on there anyway) and is basically throwing little jabs in the form of sisterly candor.
But I play that game better than anyone so I knew what she was doing and just rolled with the punches.
I ended up getting madder and madder though, and I kind of chewed Killian out for hurting me.
A big thing is that I'm still really confused about my feelings for him. I know I like him, but this is some heavy shit for talking for just a couple of weeks.
But now here I am clinging and fighting for something I don't even know if I want, and I know myself is not as important as I feel it is right now.
But as the night progressed I just got more and more upset and ended up staying up until 3 am because my brain wouldn't stop ruminating and obsessing.
So then I woke up at 6am (before the 4 year old!) and my stomach was in knots.
I felt the need to tell him all of this.
I don't know if I was trying to make him feel bad or what, but I was doing it.
So anyway, B had told me last night that she was going to make him "face her" this morning, so when he texted me this morning I asked him how it went.
After a lot of vague answers countered by my poking and prodding, I learned that they basically fought all morning but that he had come to the conclusion that no matter their feelings for each other (gag) it wouldn't work because there is just so much history and crap.
Then he says that sometimes it seems like it would work with her, and sometimes it doesn't, but he truely believes it would work with me.
So a part of me is like "yay I win."
Then another part is like "crap this girl is gonna hate me now."
Then another part is like "do I really want to be a part of this situation? What if it happens again? Is she going to be around?"
But then they like sat at his house and watched TV together. Like, wtf?
He said that was probably the last time he'd see her for a while.
But then after all of our talking and stuff he said he was going to go take a nap and I asked if it was going to be alone because I remembered she had been there. And he was like well she's still at my house, but I can take the couch if it'll make you more comfortable.
Really?! How is this, after all of that, a fucking question?
He's supposed to come over in the morning because he was originally supposed to apologize or some shit in person but now that it is "resolved" at least as far as he is concerned, I don't know what that time will consist of.
I will probably have sex with him because I am feeling so dejected and terrible right now.
And even though the sex won't do anything for me physically, it will help with the crappy feelings.
Although I know afterwards it'll be back to shit.
Ugh. Life sucks.

Ever feel like everything around you is caving in and the more things fall the less air you have to breathe until you just can't breathe anymore at all?
That is me at this moment.
I really really really can't handle the ridiculousness that is my life right now.

Just one word...

Why does the word FRIEND hurt so much?
That word just does not seem to encapsulate situation.
Friend? Really? Like the guy you work with?
Like the guy who slept with your ex-fiance but now you're bff's?
There just has to be a better word than that.
And it's like you feel the need to emphasize the fact that I'm a friend.
That we're not together.
I'm not an idiot.
I know this.
I really wish I had the strength to just say fuck it and stop.
But I can't.
You're all I have.
But you're just my friend.
Like the girls at work I don't even really like.
Just a friend...

Thinking Too Much

I'm really sick of writing about the same thing over and over again.
He doesn't want you Cami.
Wrap your little brain around it.
How can I continue to put myself right back in this situation?
Is this not the textbook definition of insanity?
I keep falling back into the pattern and repeating every single idiotic mistake.
All while hoping this time will be different.
He will realize his mistake.
For one thing, the current male is still so wrapped around and shoved up the ass of his ex that he couldn't do this even if it wasn't for Seth.
And then with the case of Seth, it pretty much puts the nails in the coffin.
I am honestly so fucked up lately.
I literally can' function normally.
I shake and get dizzy at work when we get busy or I encounter a particularly stressful situation.
I've never had problems like that.
I've always been really good under pressure.
But it seems like I'm just so under pressure in every fucking aspect of life that I can't maintain my equilibrium.
I cry at the drop of a hat.
I get pissed and go into rages.
I've trained myself to just shut down mostly, so no one gets the full force of my rage except Seth and my mother.
Seth just gets caught in the crossfire.
I really sit and think more and more lately that he'd just be better off with Steven.
I don't know if that is actually true, but I know that I feel like the worst mother in the world between work and school and whatever else.
And I resent him.
It's so hard to admit it, but I do.
I mean, if I can be rejected so easily because of him now, why not in the future?
I feel like he is what is holding me back from finding somone.
And I know the theory that if the person can't accept and love your child, then he doesn't deserve you, but that's hard.
Maybe I'm just desperate.
Or maybe I just got hit a little too hard on my first time out in the wild.
This guy has literally been the person to get me through this divorce.
And he is so nice and has done so much for me.
And I have so many feelings, but they don't matter.
Because no matter how nice he is or how much he seems to really care about my well-being, that's where it ends.
He can fuck me.
He can spend time with me and make me feel like I matter.
But that's it.
Because Seth gets in the way.
I love Seth, I do.
But there are a LOT of days I wish he didn't exist.
And I know I'm going to go to the special hell for admitting it, but it's true.
I'm just so tired of being so sad and so angry all of the time.
It's like I'm a landmine, just waiting. Just the right thing happens or is said and I explode.
Ugh.
I'm going to go before I get even more worked up.
Bedtime.

Fucking Friends with Fucking Benefits...or not so much?

Argh...
Why can't I get out of my head?
Why do I have to let my stupid fucking emotions and stupid fucking crazy thoughts ruin everything?
This evening could be perfectly nice.
I've had several days of seemingly never ending shit days at work, and my body hurts.
And I'm pissed off.
Sex is good. It can help with these things.
But here I fucking am over thinking and getting sad and stupid.
FUCK THIS.
It doesn't fucking matter.
Why is it okay when I am the one who wants sex?
Why does it only feel like I am being used and will be alone forever now?
Is that true?
Sex is good.
Better than good.
I've been fine with this FWB thing.
It's been working.
Except for those couple of hiccups.
Thinking about it, though...those are kind of the things that make us FWB and not a couple.
IE: Other girls.
Maybe I have deluded myself into thinking that I was doing a great job with this FWB thing when in actuality I haven't been serious about it being that.
I mean, really, we don't just fuck.
We talk and play games and have fun. And cuddle.
And hug. And genuinely care for each other.
So the differences between this and a relationship are?
No L word.
Um....That's all I can think of besides the obvious which is the problem.
I can't handle the idea of there being other girls.
Why the fuck not?
I'm fucking nuts, that's why.
The only issues I've had since we've become this whatever the fuck we are:
-He got fucking livid about some chick he had a thing for apparently having a retarded view on something. I proceeded to flip out and have a fucking breakdown because of this.
-He mentioned seeing a girl (that I know but have only ever exchanged like 2 words with) at a party that he and Viv had discussed having a fling with and seemed interested in pursuing. My birthday. Fucking shit. I don't even think I said anything. I think I just cried while he was there and moped and slept when he was here and he had no clue of the feelings.
-Fucking little girl. I already had twinges of jealousy when we were seeing each other because of this one. But now he seems genuinely interested. She's like 5. Not that it matters. This one hurts most. It sunk in when he couldn't stop texting her not just when I was there, which would have been rude enough, but when we were literally fooling around. Like...seriously? Do I mean that fucking little? Am I really not important enough to just be able to focus on me for THAT BIT OF TIME?
Ugh. Why does it fucking matter?
Why can't I handle it?
I don't want him to leave me.
I'm sure that's a lot of it.
I need to be supreme female.
I don't know why, but it fucking hurts when I'm not.
Ugh.
So what does this mean?
I don't know.
I don't want to stop.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Maybe I can pretend everything is okay tonight.
Then I will figure it out.