Every day for me is a fight: with my husband, with my friends, with people at work, with random strangers, but most often of all-with myself.
A couple of months ago, at least I had myself to rely on.
Now that I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I fight with myself more than I ever did with anyone else. I have to duke it out mano y mano with the person I've been as far back as I can trace. I have to dig deep enough to determine what parts of myself are healthy and good, and which ones need to be changed. And I feel a lot of changes-a-comin'.
Okay, here's an example of what I'm attempting to do:
Take your hand, place it on a hot stove. Now, leave it there. Resist every reflex, want, and need you have to pull it away. Did you succeed? Didn't think so.
That is the war I wage everyday against myself, but over things that seem so trivial. The hot stove is someone not having time for me, and the jerk-reaction of pulling my hand away would be to be hurt/depressed and fly off the effing handle.
I somehow manage to destroy every relationship I am a participant in. Whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendship, or one with a family member.
Yeah, I'm still married, but my husband really seems to hate me most of the time, and he's miserable. Plus, we NEVER have sex anymore. We used to all the time. Now? Nada. And of course, it's a vicious circle. He doesn't want to have sex because I'm driving him crazy. His lack of a sex drive makes me feel HORRIBLY rejected and unwanted. Then, I fight more.
I feel like I need attention 24/7, but I didn't even realize that was one of my problems until I was diagnosed.
I thought I didn't like attention, but now I can look back and see how big of a craving to be wanted, loved, and paid attention to I have always had.
I have a lot of goals I need to accomplish to get myself to a stable, healthy state.
The first is exactly what I'm doing: fighting the impulses that drive me.
It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm standing and fighting. And in the end, that's what matters.