Sunday, July 29, 2012

Fucked Up

Life is sufficiently fucked up lately.
I don't know what in the hell I'm doing.
I feel like I'm just floating around wherever the wind takes me.
Brian and I officially split.
Who didn't see that coming?
I knew the Seth thing would end up being a deal breaker, plus we had some other issues, too.
He's a great guy, and I think we could have potentially been a good pairing given different settings.
So. Now I'm alone again.
Which is cool, I guess.
Not really. I don't know.
I went on a date with Travis.
It was actually a lot of fun.
Surprisingly so.
I've never actually thought of him that way, so I thought it would be weird.
But we had tons to talk about. And I had forgotten how hilarious he is.
It was nice.
I don't know.
It's weird.
And I feel like the arcade skank.
Is that funny?
I don't know.
He apparently really likes me though, and I had no clue.
I'm just trying to let things play out and see how they go.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Angry Rant Turns Crying Rant

I am so fucking frustrated.
I am seriously about to just say fuck it and be done.
This is the most screwed up situation, and I have no clue what to do about it.
He is freaking killing me here.
First of all, why can’t he just accept that I know when something is wrong?
I’ve explained it. I pick up very well on small queues, and I spend a lot of time around him, so I know when something is wrong.
Just be fucking honest.
It hurts so badly, and it’s so hard to just let it go and not think about it.
That’s how my brain is wired...
I am bad enough about thinking into things in my head as it is, but when you add the insecurity that I’m feeling with this entire situation, it’s almost unbearable.
My brain automatically takes everything that is said and dices it into inferences and assumptions.
For instance: Last night he says that I may find some guy while out with my friends to steal me away.
If this was me, that would be said because I wanted reassurance that it wasn’t going to happen.
I know that’s not the case, though.
He seems to know that he’s got me wrapped around his finger.
So, I guess another logical option would be that he was just joking, but my brain then has the problem of, why even bring something like that up?
If you’re going to joke or talk about something crazy that could happen, why not say I may slip, fall, and slide into the pins?
Here’s the problem.
It’s like he wants me to break up with him.
He doesn’t want to be the one to break my heart, so he’s hoping I will do it instead.
I don’t know for sure that it’s the case, but it seems that way.
He’s always talking about me “finding someone.”
Or he’s telling me all of these things I should dislike about him, and asking if I do.
I just don’t get it.
If you want to end it, end it.
I guess all I can come up with is that he’s torn.
Maybe he wants to, but there are other reasons he doesn’t want to.
Or maybe he just doesn’t want to hurt me.
Or maybe he doesn’t want to, per say, but he feels that he has to for some reason.
Or maybe it’s none of these, and he’s still thinking and deciding like we agreed.
It just doesn’t seem like the latter because he just gets into these modes of resolve when a decision is made, and this feels like that mode.
Or, it did, until last night.
I was feeling all super depressed and detach-y.
And I drank just a little, but enough to have my head screaming, “okay, you’re about to go into emotional shut down.”
So it was basically I needed to feel wanted really badly or I was going to break down and start crying at him (which went so well the last time, right?).
So I went with the first option and said I didn’t want to talk because I don’t need to make things worse by trying to tell him how I feel about crap when it obviously doesn’t matter.
So, that worked. And then he was cuddly and all sweet.
And he was sweet this morning.
I just wish it wasn’t so back and forth.
I hate to paraphrase Katy Perry, but geeze, this hot and cold thing is killing me.
It’s like I’m back on eggshells, never knowing what to expect.
And in my head I’m saying that if he wants to end it, he just should.
Or I should to nix all the bad feelings he would have.
But I just don’t want to.
It’s like for him this is just a thing.
I’m just another girl that liked him so he went along with it.
But for me it’s like having this person you’ve wanted for so long.
And you’ve thought about what it would be like and how great it would be and built it up in your imagination for so long.
And it’s finally real.
And I kind of wish it was terrible because maybe it would be easier for him to end it.
But it’s not. It’s sickeningly close to how I thought it would be.
I mean, of course, there are issues, there always are.
But when I’m happy and just enjoying time with him and not worrying about all of this stuff, I am so freaking happy.
I don’t remember when the last time I had that was.
It’s so hard knowing that what we are to him and what we are to me are so different.
And now I’m work...yuck.
I just wish I didn’t feel like the odd person out in every single part of my life.
And then there’s the problem that it’s obvious that he is interested in a FWB relationship when he breaks up with me.
I don’t want to say it because it makes me feel super shitty just thinking it could be true, but part of me thinks that the only reason he’s still in it right now is because he is enjoying having someone to have sex with.
If he finds someone else before our arrangement is up, I’m out.
He keeps making comments about being FWBs.
I just don’t think he has any clue how much little comments like that hurt.
Like the bowling thing, or talking about us being FWBs if/when we break up.
It makes me just want to sit and cry thinking that I have spent the past month trying to prove that I’m worth it and that we have a real shot and that he has spent it getting more and more detached from me and contemplating how he can still get laid once he dumps me.
I mean, I may be exaggerating, but the principle applies.
The fucked up part of that is that I would more than likely agree to it.
But it would be for the wrong reasons.
It would be very bad for me.
I am attached, I am so attached.
And not even like a codependent “need someone to need” attachment, but like a genuine, “I like this person being mine and don’t want to lose them” attachment.
So, because of that, I am sure I would agree.
And, yes, being able to continue with the naughty would be wonderful. Fantastic, even.
But I can’t do it no matter how much I say I can or want to or anything else.
I can say sex is just sex until I am blue in the face, but for me, it’s not.
I am learning that I am wrong in thinking that sex is love.
And that I can accept, even if I have difficulty with it occasionally.
But I am not one of those people who can completely detach emotionally and sleep with someone.
It is an emotional experience, letting someone be as close to you as anyone can be. Letting someone inside of you. And the kissing and touching and feeling of being desired.
It’s not just a physical thing.
So I would be getting emotional fulfillment while he was getting physical fulfillment, and then I would be repeatedly hurt when I was reminded that sex is all we have.
And eventually he would find someone else, and that would be a whole other problem in itself.
I don’t think I could say it out loud, but I know that if I continued with the sex after we broke up, I would be hoping that somehow he would realize he was wrong, or missed me, or something like that and want me back.
Logically, I know it’s not true, but it would be my underlying thought.
My subconscious is sick and twisted and, most of all, irrational.
That’s why, if I didn’t already have what he does, I most likely do now.
Because my fucked up idiotic subconscious somehow thought that I would seem more valuable if I didn’t care.
And if he was going to stick with me, I really honestly wouldn’t, but since he seems hell bent on ending it, I’m going to be in the same screwed position he is in.
Not that it’s really his fault. He didn’t know.
But he does know now, and he even cried saying that he felt so terrible for putting me at risk...
I wonder where that went?
Out the window with his openness and honesty I suppose. Or with his willingness to make this work.
I mean, I understand the Seth thing, I really do, but it fucking sucks.
It really does.
And I feel like something is wrong with me. Like I’m defective.
I have such a hard time with resenting Seth.
It’s not his fault I was such a skank and got knocked up, but he exists, so it is what it is.
The point is that this doesn’t help.
I wish I had known from the beginning so I could avoid all of this heartache.
Even more than that, I just wish I knew that he was actually putting in the effort now.
That he actually cares and really likes me enough to want to be with me.
I am so fucking sick of being the girl that’s good enough until something better comes along.
I am a fucking person and I have fucking feelings and I am sick of crying all the time and feeling like nothing because people only want me around when it’s convenient for them.
Okay, I am seriously crying now and I need to just stop typing.
That’s it for today.
I don’t know if this will be private or not...
I’m just being honest, but it’s stuff I don’t know how to say out loud.
He doesn’t usually read unless I tell him to, anyway.
I don’t know. We’ll see...

Monday, July 2, 2012

I Wanna Know What Love Is (BPD Criterion 2: Unstable Relationships)

Thanks to Foreigner for the title...haha. This time I'll be addressing the issue of unstable relationships. Below in black is what WebMD had to say to describe the criterion, but I feel the need to go on a bit of a tangent and discuss love in general (in relation to me, anyway) and I think this is the ideal setting to do it. So, without further ado...

· A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation: People with borderline personality disorder may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficent supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts other reflect disillusionment with a caregiver whose nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.

I have been reading through my LiveJournal that I started writing in at age 15 and starting to really be able to discern a pattern when it comes to my relationships. I mean, I already knew that I end up “in love” with everyone I date (and even a couple during my extra promiscuous phase that I didn’t date.) This is the main reason I don’t really know if I know what being in love with someone truly is. If I have honestly been in love with all of these people, then love doesn’t mean very much, obviously. Or, if I haven’t, then how can I determine who I was actually in love with? Or was I never in love with anyone? I really have no clue. I can sit here now and say who I think I had real feelings for and who I didn’t, but the real issue is that, in the moment, they all felt exactly the same. So, even if, in hindsight, I can determine which were real feelings and which weren’t, then what about when I’m in a situation where I’m having the usual feelings and can’t determine? I mean, I know what loving someone means. I love a lot of people in the sense that I care about them deeply and would do pretty much anything within my power to keep them happy/safe/etc... The people I love include my friends, so, in most cases, I am sure that I love the people I date. The question is was I in love with them. And then I guess the question is, “what does it really matter?” The one reason I know that it matters is to learn from my past. I want to be able to be with someone and know how I feel about them without being blinded (or even just shaded) by my need to be needed or just not be alone.
I have noticed a pretty solid pattern of being “in love” with all of my boyfriends right around the one month mark, but starting to think that way as early as a week. Surely enough, with the current guy, I went through the same thing. Right around the one month point, I started getting those googly feelings and thinking how I couldn’t live without him and hoping we’d be together forever. I even looked up the average time to say, “I love you,” and, luckily, was warned off of it by the poll and question answers basically declaring 3 months as kind of the point at which you start all of that. Even more fortunately, I started doing some research into my past and doing some really deep soul searching which led me to my current position: wondering not only if I know what love is, but if it even exists at all in a specifically romantic sense. Then there is the question of, since I’m not in love, what is this that I’m feeling? The best that I can come up with is that catch all term we hear all the time: infatuation. But how to tell the difference between that and love? I’m not sure yet.
So, it can be summed up that, yes, I have had a series of unstable interpersonal relationships. As for the idealization and devaluation, I know I’m guilty of this as well. I have a really hard time with idealizing people. I put the people in my life on a pedestal, and it’s a very high expectation to have. I don’t consciously think, “man, he’d better do everything right and pay attention to me constantly or I’m going to think he’s the worst person in the world.” That is pretty much what I do though. Logically, I know that a person cannot make me their world, but I still find myself frustrated or angry when that is not the case. Even worse, God forbid the person actually be human and make a mistake, and I automatically flip to the belief that they are terrible or don’t care about me. It is REALLY hard for me to get over the mistake after that. The worst is when I am the only person who thinks they did anything wrong, because then there’s usually not even an apology. I am the worst about bringing up things that happened eons ago because I’m angry or something reminded me of it, or, sometimes, just because I want to be a bitch. This is in both romantic relationships and others. I do this a lot with my best friend. Luckily, she has a fairly healthy emotional self, so she handles my shifts fairly well. However, when you take one of my parents, who both have psychological issues themselves, things get a little out of hand.
I think the worst case of idealization vs. devaluation that I can think of that isn’t in a romantic relationship is with my dad. We were very close when I was growing up, especially in my high school years when my mom wasn’t around and we kind of only had each other (and Brett, but he was a toddler). Since then, he has gotten remarried (to the super bitch from hell, but that’s mostly beside the point), and it has really affected our relationship. Now I rarely see him, and, when I do, I’m angry about not seeing him. It’s like I had this view of him as this super dad that worked all the time to take care of my brother and me, but he also found time to spend with us. Plus, I always had a lot in common with my dad since he was the smart parent and we could discuss things and read the same books and such. Well, now that he is with his new wife, my feelings are constantly hurt from not seeing him, and I feel like his new little family is more important than me. And it offends me when he knows all the crap I have going on and lets his wife talk shit about me. The main problem is that he is codependent as hell, and he lets whatever woman he is with walk all over him, and he becomes her little lapdog bitch and ignores the other important things in his life for her. When my mom was the woman, at least she deemed me an important thing for him to pay attention to. Unfortunately, this woman does not. In fact, she and I pretty much hate each other. I mean, I’ve heard of women not liking their husband’s daughters out of jealousy, but, really? Is that not just a little absurd?
I just wish everything wasn’t so black and white. I wish that I could be angry with someone without the feelings of hate that accompany it. Or that I could just really like someone and enjoy their company without having to constantly tell myself that I’m not really in love. I think the most important thing I need to have in order to work on this problem in particular is relationships with people that understand what my problems and patterns are, and can handle them accordingly. The main reason I end up in relationships with so many jerks, I think, is because they feed my needs, but in the wrong way. I have someone to have that back and forth love/hate relationship with- the relationships that no one should really be in. That’s not what I need, though. It’s what I want subconsciously, maybe even higher than that. I know that there is a big part of me that craves those unhealthy relationships for the instant gratification and the extreme feelings involved. I know, though, that I will never get better if I keep myself in those situations. I also know that I’m never truly happy. I just have to be able to remember that.
Still left:

  • Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms