Thursday, October 25, 2012

Ever feel like everything around you is caving in and the more things fall the less air you have to breathe until you just can't breathe anymore at all?
That is me at this moment.
I really really really can't handle the ridiculousness that is my life right now.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Just one word...

Why does the word FRIEND hurt so much?
That word just does not seem to encapsulate situation.
Friend? Really? Like the guy you work with?
Like the guy who slept with your ex-fiance but now you're bff's?
There just has to be a better word than that.
And it's like you feel the need to emphasize the fact that I'm a friend.
That we're not together.
I'm not an idiot.
I know this.
I really wish I had the strength to just say fuck it and stop.
But I can't.
You're all I have.
But you're just my friend.
Like the girls at work I don't even really like.
Just a friend...

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Thinking Too Much

I'm really sick of writing about the same thing over and over again.
He doesn't want you Cami.
Wrap your little brain around it.
How can I continue to put myself right back in this situation?
Is this not the textbook definition of insanity?
I keep falling back into the pattern and repeating every single idiotic mistake.
All while hoping this time will be different.
He will realize his mistake.
For one thing, the current male is still so wrapped around and shoved up the ass of his ex that he couldn't do this even if it wasn't for Seth.
And then with the case of Seth, it pretty much puts the nails in the coffin.
I am honestly so fucked up lately.
I literally can' function normally.
I shake and get dizzy at work when we get busy or I encounter a particularly stressful situation.
I've never had problems like that.
I've always been really good under pressure.
But it seems like I'm just so under pressure in every fucking aspect of life that I can't maintain my equilibrium.
I cry at the drop of a hat.
I get pissed and go into rages.
I've trained myself to just shut down mostly, so no one gets the full force of my rage except Seth and my mother.
Seth just gets caught in the crossfire.
I really sit and think more and more lately that he'd just be better off with Steven.
I don't know if that is actually true, but I know that I feel like the worst mother in the world between work and school and whatever else.
And I resent him.
It's so hard to admit it, but I do.
I mean, if I can be rejected so easily because of him now, why not in the future?
I feel like he is what is holding me back from finding somone.
And I know the theory that if the person can't accept and love your child, then he doesn't deserve you, but that's hard.
Maybe I'm just desperate.
Or maybe I just got hit a little too hard on my first time out in the wild.
This guy has literally been the person to get me through this divorce.
And he is so nice and has done so much for me.
And I have so many feelings, but they don't matter.

Because no matter how nice he is or how much he seems to really care about my well-being, that's where it ends.
He can fuck me.
He can spend time with me and make me feel like I matter.
But that's it.
Because Seth gets in the way.
I love Seth, I do.
But there are a LOT of days I wish he didn't exist.
And I know I'm going to go to the special hell for admitting it, but it's true.
I'm just so tired of being so sad and so angry all of the time.
It's like I'm a landmine, just waiting. Just the right thing happens or is said and I explode.
I'm going to go before I get even more worked up.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Fucking Friends with Fucking Benefits...or not so much?

Why can't I get out of my head?
Why do I have to let my stupid fucking emotions and stupid fucking crazy thoughts ruin everything?
This evening could be perfectly nice.
I've had several days of seemingly never ending shit days at work, and my body hurts.
And I'm pissed off.
Sex is good. It can help with these things.
But here I fucking am over thinking and getting sad and stupid.
It doesn't fucking matter.
Why is it okay when I am the one who wants sex?
Why does it only feel like I am being used and will be alone forever now?
Is that true?
Sex is good.
Better than good.
I've been fine with this FWB thing.
It's been working.
Except for those couple of hiccups.
Thinking about it, though...those are kind of the things that make us FWB and not a couple.
IE: Other girls.
Maybe I have deluded myself into thinking that I was doing a great job with this FWB thing when in actuality I haven't been serious about it being that.
I mean, really, we don't just fuck.
We talk and play games and have fun. And cuddle.
And hug. And genuinely care for each other.
So the differences between this and a relationship are?
No L word.
Um....That's all I can think of besides the obvious which is the problem.
I can't handle the idea of there being other girls.
Why the fuck not?
I'm fucking nuts, that's why.
The only issues I've had since we've become this whatever the fuck we are:
-He got fucking livid about some chick he had a thing for apparently having a retarded view on something. I proceeded to flip out and have a fucking breakdown because of this.
-He mentioned seeing a girl (that I know but have only ever exchanged like 2 words with) at a party that he and Viv had discussed having a fling with and seemed interested in pursuing. My birthday. Fucking shit. I don't even think I said anything. I think I just cried while he was there and moped and slept when he was here and he had no clue of the feelings.
-Fucking little girl. I already had twinges of jealousy when we were seeing each other because of this one. But now he seems genuinely interested. She's like 5. Not that it matters. This one hurts most. It sunk in when he couldn't stop texting her not just when I was there, which would have been rude enough, but when we were literally fooling around. Like...seriously? Do I mean that fucking little? Am I really not important enough to just be able to focus on me for THAT BIT OF TIME?
Ugh. Why does it fucking matter?
Why can't I handle it?
I don't want him to leave me.
I'm sure that's a lot of it.
I need to be supreme female.
I don't know why, but it fucking hurts when I'm not.
So what does this mean?
I don't know.
I don't want to stop.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Maybe I can pretend everything is okay tonight.
Then I will figure it out.