Sunday, November 17, 2013

Fucked Up

Why am I  so fucked up right now?
Getting blood on my keyboard.
God what is wrong with me?
My uncle shot himself yesterday.
And my very favorite cousin who I grew up with.
Well he lost his brother and mom almost eleven years ago now,
And now his dad shoots himself.
And people just keep saying how fucking selfish he is, but I get it.
There is a point in your life where you just can't do it anymore.
What happens then?


So I haven't cut in like 2 years.
Until now.
So yay relapse.
It's nights like tonight that I wish I did some sort of drug just to make things easier.
I have been drinking.
Half of one of the really big bottles of wine, and I'm still going.
And here I am.
I tore my razor up so I could get a blade because none of my kitchen knives were sharp enough to break skin.
But it's so nice.
The blood is so pretty and it just..I forgot how fantastic the pain feels.
Killian spent the night last night because you know he decided we could work or whatever and apparently I have a pahological problem.
But anyway, so I let him meet my son, Henry, which I really don't do.
I don't know what my fucking problem is or what caused me to trust him.
So he stayed the night and we had really great sex and talked for hours and it was really good.
And he said he was falling for me and that I'm wonderful and all this shit.
And then we got up this morning and he played Star Wars Guess Who with Henry.
And Henry likes him.
And then once Killian leaves I get a text that says when he woke up he thought he was at his old place with his ex.
And how he needs to take a breath.
And he's not ready.
Basically he's running when he promised me over and over last night that he wouldn't.
I know that he has his own issues, believe me.
But fuck, I thought I had been doing so much better and he just got me to open up so easily and I don't fucking get it.
So now that's it.
And I'm drunk and texting him stupid shit.
But my arm looks so pretty in scarlet.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

List [Updated 4/23/14]

I decided to make a list of the people I've slept with including a bit of detail on each.
I know, I'm a slut. I just turned 24 and this is a lot of people. Notice a lot more came after my husband than before. I just needed to have a list somewhere so I wouldn't keep losing track of my number.
Wow, 20. That's a lot. :/
---Updates from 4/23 in Red---

1) P.R. - First serious boyfriend; first almost everything; dated on and off for 3-ish years
2) P.S. - Boyfriend; dated 3 months; had sex 1 time; first person to go down on me (also 1 time); virgin
3) T.M. - Boyfriend; dated 3-ish months
4) J.B. - Boyfriend; dated a little over a year; first anal
5) J.C. - Boyfriend; dated about 1.5 years; virgin
6) D.H. - Alcohol; dating Jerith first time; dated for like 2 weeks; hated him
7) S.C. - Not boyfriend first time; married later; divorced; terrible decision; awesome sex (while it lasted)
8) R.T. - Not boyfriend; messed around for a month or so with no real commitment
9) T.N. - Alcohol; was married*; lived in Virginia and just happened the few times he was in AL or the once I was in Va.
10) M.F. - Alcohol; was married* (sep); paid me the first time (I really needed to buy diapers); saw each other for several months regularly then it tapered off to a booty call every once in a while and ended finally about a year ago when he got a girlfriend; one last occurence 10/13 when I was contacted about a MMF threesome for his friend's birthday.
11) Z.R. - Alcohol; was married* (sep); only true one night stand; met in bar and took home; never saw again after next day
12) J.A. - Alcohol; was married*; yuck, bad decision I made a few times because of my loneliness and need for affection
13) S.D. - Alcohol; was married*; one time; bad decision
14) B.H. - Alcohol; was married*; once again, bad decisions; made me feel good for a while; let me live in his house while he was in NY
15) B.K. - Married* (sep); Tried dating for a short while; mostly FWB status; couldn't do FWB thing after a while plus he had a drug problem
16) T.M. - Alcohol; Married* (sep); ONE TIME and it was horrendous so it shouldn't even count; bad bad decision (notice a pattern here?)
17) J.J. - Boyfriend (in secret) for about 3 months; moved to MS; still in contact; ended all contact as of 2/14
18) J.C. - Alcohol; FWB-ish for a few months; too old
19) B.H. - Alcohol; Other person in threesome prev. mentioned with M.F.; several times the one night and that's it; still kind of in contact; only FB friends now
20) J.M. - Stupid decision I made 11/13/13; seemed like a good idea at the time. I guess it turned out that this was in fact a good idea. Maybe I shouldn't have done it so soon, but it worked out.
21) T.B. - Alcohol; I guess this qualifies as a one night stand although I saw him for about two days beforehand. I was in a relationship and he was married. One time.

*All that say I was married occured after I found out Steven cheated on me.
-If alcohol is listed, it means that at least the first occurence was the result of me being drunk, although possibly more or all were.