Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Today is an especially crappy day.
I'm just feeling really low and just overly sucky.
I have just found out that one of my FWBs went on a date last night, and I am horrendously jealous. How ridiculous is that?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

So Now That the Introduction Is Out of the Way...

It's really hard doing this journaling thing.
These mood swings make it almost impossible.
When I'm in a rage, I'm definitely not wanting to sit down and type out my feelings (partially for fear of breaking my keyboard).
Then when I want to sit down and type it out, it's pretty much played out.
It no longer seems important.
I guess I'm going to have to force myself to use the journaling when it's going to help.
That's obviously when I'm in the middle of a "dysregulation."
Haha. Yes, I've been reading The Buddha and the Borderline.
It's insane to read something that literally feels like I wrote it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Last Night

Blogging is very hard for me.
I've used a myriad of blogging venues over the years, but I never manage to keep up with it. Then every blog I do write is just an update on what I haven't updated about.
But, my therapist says I need to journal, and I'd much rather type than write.
So here I am. I'm trying.
So anyway...
The hardest part of all of this is distinguishing when it's me overreacting and when there is actually a problem.
I guess that's partially what a therapist is for, but I only see her once a week.
Going from the psych ward to two weeks of outpatient 8 hour a day group therapy to once a week one-hour therapy is really really difficult.
I would have never left the group thing if it was my decision.
Good old insurance likes to cut you off when you need things most.
Plus, I had to get back to work.
My husband works part-time at Taco Bell, and we have a baby to take care of.
Don't you love when everything is working against you?
So anyway....last night:
I got off work at five, and we decided to leave the baby at my aunt's house for the night so we could have some time to spend together.
Well, I got home, and we sat on the couch for a few hours and talked about stuff.
He mentioned that the woman he cheated on my with (while deployed in Iraq) send him an email on his birthday (friday) that said, "I love you! :*" Now, I've told him to tell me anytime she contacts him, just so I won't find it and freak out, and because I think honesty is what I need to a point.
Well, that just seemed off, though, because the last message she sent him was about a month ago and it was drunkenly raving about how she missed him and loved him but she would leave him alone and that she hoped he was happy with "the family" meaning our son and me. And he has not talked to her for months upon months according to him.
So is it not a little odd that it would go from the last email to such a nice one now?
Maybe I'm just insane...and believe me, that's how he makes me feel.
I mean, I realize that I overreact A LOT. But he uses that against me to make me think I'm crazy even when HE is in the wrong. Like when he WAS cheating on me, he made me think I was just psychotic and paranoid.
I don't know what of my feelings are actual intuitive real worries and what is just the BPD kicking in.
Anyway, I dropped that because we were walking out the door to go grab some groceries.
We get to the grocery store and are walking around messing around and stuff, and he asks if I saw some girl checking him out.
-He is constantly pointing out girls checking him out. It drives me insane. It halfway makes me wish I would have married someone ugly so I don't have to deal with it.-
God I go off on tangents a lot. Anyway, I said no, and on the next aisle he points her out.
Of course, I do an automatic asesment, and come to the conclusion that she is skinnier than me, prettier than me, and he must want her.
I tell him to go after her if he wants, and he laughs and starts to push the cart off. He says, "I'm married, I'm not going to do that." I stop in my tracks...."Is that the only reason?!"
He looks at me with the "please don't get crazy" look and says no. He tells me that he loves me, and I'm the only one he wants. I retort back with, "you didn't say it's because she's unattractive." He says, "I would if it was true." Wrong answer. I wanted to start yelling and screaming, but we were in the middle of the grocery store so I just gave him a nod, and continued down the next aisle.
I may have said three words to him throughout the remainder of the shopping.
We finally get out to the car, and he asks what's wrong. I burst into tears and yell at him for thinking the random girl was more attractive than me. He said that he never said that. That he can think other people are attractive without walking up and just throwing them down and having at it.
I can't fathom this. I mean, I guess I can register the attractiveness of someone else, but when I'm in a relatonship, it doesn't even process unless I'm specifically asked. I want him to ONLY THINK I'M ATTRACTIVE. Is that insane?
I told him that white lies were invented for a reason ans that he should have just said she wasn't attractive to spare my feelings.
He then seemed utterly confunded and asked if I wanted him to be honest with me or not.
AGH. Why is it so hard? Why can't I just think like a normal person?
More happened later, but I have to get back to work. I'll finish later.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The question is: Is life a war worth winning?

Every day for me is a fight: with my husband, with my friends, with people at work, with random strangers, but most often of all-with myself.
A couple of months ago, at least I had myself to rely on.
Now that I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, I fight with myself more than I ever did with anyone else. I have to duke it out mano y mano with the person I've been as far back as I can trace. I have to dig deep enough to determine what parts of myself are healthy and good, and which ones need to be changed. And I feel a lot of changes-a-comin'.
Okay, here's an example of what I'm attempting to do:
Take your hand, place it on a hot stove. Now, leave it there. Resist every reflex, want, and need you have to pull it away. Did you succeed? Didn't think so.
That is the war I wage everyday against myself, but over things that seem so trivial. The hot stove is someone not having time for me, and the jerk-reaction of pulling my hand away would be to be hurt/depressed and fly off the effing handle.
I somehow manage to destroy every relationship I am a participant in. Whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendship, or one with a family member.
Yeah, I'm still married, but my husband really seems to hate me most of the time, and he's miserable. Plus, we NEVER have sex anymore. We used to all the time. Now? Nada. And of course, it's a vicious circle. He doesn't want to have sex because I'm driving him crazy. His lack of a sex drive makes me feel HORRIBLY rejected and unwanted. Then, I fight more.
I feel like I need attention 24/7, but I didn't even realize that was one of my problems until I was diagnosed.
I thought I didn't like attention, but now I can look back and see how big of a craving to be wanted, loved, and paid attention to I have always had.
I have a lot of goals I need to accomplish to get myself to a stable, healthy state.
The first is exactly what I'm doing: fighting the impulses that drive me.
It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm standing and fighting. And in the end, that's what matters.