Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Seriously Batting a Thousand Here

This really fucking sucks.
What is so wrong with me?
Am I really not good enough for anyone?
Every single guy I have had any sort of anything with in the least since Steven...has not actually wanted me.
Well, it’s been the “I really like you, but...blah blah” bullshit.
Or worse, the “I don’t deserve you” or “You’re too good for me.”
What a fucking cop-out.
Maybe the key is sex.
Maybe sleeping with someone so early really is negative.
Maybe I need to use the “Think Like a Man” approach and put a 90-day counter on it.
But could I really do that?
Do I have that much self-control?
Plus, it would mean me cutting off all sex currently.
Part of me wants to just continue down this path I’m on, but it seems pretty fucking hopeless.
Sleeping with someone just to sleep with them.
I guess part of me still hopes he will change his mind.
I don’t count on it or anything.
Just a small hope. Especially some of his occasional remarks.
Yuck, I don’t know.
It’s not actually bad how it is currently.
It’s never been my thing before, but it’s working now.
But if I just keep up with this how will I ever meet anyone else?
Anyone with potential?
But do I really need to be meeting anyone right now, anyway?
Maybe this is a good, harmless situation to be in until I’m ready to move on?
But what about him? How does that affect him? I’m not using him. I’d be with him if he had any interest in it. He doesn’t. So I guess we’re kind of on the same page.
Ugh. I don’t know. I don’t think I will handle it very well when he moves on.
My thought process will be “Oh, so she’s good enough to date. She’s worth it. I’m not.”
Why am I so fucking nutso?
I just really don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.
And I don’t want to settle for someone I don’t even really like just to not be alone.
Although I have a really hard time even deciphering when that’s happening nowadays.
I feel really crappy about myself as a person.
And about my looks.
I have been reading another borderline memoir, and she talks a lot about anorexia and I just really wish I could do that. I mean, I’m borderline, that’s common with us. I don’t even want to be super skinny. Just like back to pre-Seth. I like having some curves. Just not quite as many as I have now. haha.
I’m just already so unhealthy with this stupid cancer stuff and my suck enough immune system besides that, that I get really weak and dizzy from just going a little more than a day without eating.
There’s got to be a solution to that, though, right?
Like on “The Devil Wears Prada” when that chick says she’s on a diet that she doesn’t eat, and then when she feels like she’s about to faint, she eats a cheese cube. I wonder if that would really help with the faint-ness?
Anyway, back to my original point.
I’m tired of guys making me feel like I’m worth something and maybe I have found someone that can handle all of my crap and being wrong.
I really just want to say screw it.
But everyone else is telling me that I need to make a list of (reasonable) qualities that are completely necessary and stick to them.
I guess it’s what I need to do so I don’t get caught up in all this bullshit of people using me and me ending up feeling useless or worthless.
But my question is, do I have time to wait for that?
I don’t know how much longer I have left to have another kid.
I want another one.
But, then again, I don’t need to have one just to have one.
I want to do it right next time.
I just worry about myself.
And money. I have technically supported myself since I was 18, but I have always at least had a roommate or something. And now I have Seth AND me, and I make less than what my bills are, so I am always in debt and always short money.
I could get a second job if I wasn’t in school.
But that’s important, right?
For me and Seth?
For me to have a better job where I CAN support us and not live paycheck to paycheck.
Hell, I don’t know.
All I do know is that something’s gotta give.
I can’t keep on this way.
I keep having to let people help me.
And I hate it.
I hate feeling needy.
I don’t know how this got to here.
I was complaining about men.
Okay, let me straighten this out.
My goals:
Find a better job/way to make more money
Lose weight (find a way to not eat that doesn’t make me sick? Binge/Purge? Diet plan?)
Kick ass in school so I can graduate and solve problem 1
Find a guy that fits at least a few qualities I want:
1.       Accepts that Seth and I are a package deal and can deal with the reality of being in his life
2.       Wants (a) kid(s)
3.       Has a good job/is in school with an acceptable job
4.       Can manage money reasonably
5.       Likes videogames but realizes there are more important things
6.       Have some common interests so we have things to discuss
7.       Have some uncommon interests, trying something new is always fun!
8.       Can watch his mouth/language in front of Seth
9.       Doesn’t talk down to me
10.   Supports my need to go to school/work
11.   Believes education and intelligence are important
12.   Doesn’t smoke or use recreational drugs
13.   Has a car
14.   Has a good sense of humor

Those are all I can come up with...maybe I can add more later? lol
Okay, I am done. I will try to go do work stuff now.

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