Sunday, July 8, 2012

Angry Rant Turns Crying Rant

I am so fucking frustrated.
I am seriously about to just say fuck it and be done.
This is the most screwed up situation, and I have no clue what to do about it.
He is freaking killing me here.
First of all, why can’t he just accept that I know when something is wrong?
I’ve explained it. I pick up very well on small queues, and I spend a lot of time around him, so I know when something is wrong.
Just be fucking honest.
It hurts so badly, and it’s so hard to just let it go and not think about it.
That’s how my brain is wired...
I am bad enough about thinking into things in my head as it is, but when you add the insecurity that I’m feeling with this entire situation, it’s almost unbearable.
My brain automatically takes everything that is said and dices it into inferences and assumptions.
For instance: Last night he says that I may find some guy while out with my friends to steal me away.
If this was me, that would be said because I wanted reassurance that it wasn’t going to happen.
I know that’s not the case, though.
He seems to know that he’s got me wrapped around his finger.
So, I guess another logical option would be that he was just joking, but my brain then has the problem of, why even bring something like that up?
If you’re going to joke or talk about something crazy that could happen, why not say I may slip, fall, and slide into the pins?
Here’s the problem.
It’s like he wants me to break up with him.
He doesn’t want to be the one to break my heart, so he’s hoping I will do it instead.
I don’t know for sure that it’s the case, but it seems that way.
He’s always talking about me “finding someone.”
Or he’s telling me all of these things I should dislike about him, and asking if I do.
I just don’t get it.
If you want to end it, end it.
I guess all I can come up with is that he’s torn.
Maybe he wants to, but there are other reasons he doesn’t want to.
Or maybe he just doesn’t want to hurt me.
Or maybe he doesn’t want to, per say, but he feels that he has to for some reason.
Or maybe it’s none of these, and he’s still thinking and deciding like we agreed.
It just doesn’t seem like the latter because he just gets into these modes of resolve when a decision is made, and this feels like that mode.
Or, it did, until last night.
I was feeling all super depressed and detach-y.
And I drank just a little, but enough to have my head screaming, “okay, you’re about to go into emotional shut down.”
So it was basically I needed to feel wanted really badly or I was going to break down and start crying at him (which went so well the last time, right?).
So I went with the first option and said I didn’t want to talk because I don’t need to make things worse by trying to tell him how I feel about crap when it obviously doesn’t matter.
So, that worked. And then he was cuddly and all sweet.
And he was sweet this morning.
I just wish it wasn’t so back and forth.
I hate to paraphrase Katy Perry, but geeze, this hot and cold thing is killing me.
It’s like I’m back on eggshells, never knowing what to expect.
And in my head I’m saying that if he wants to end it, he just should.
Or I should to nix all the bad feelings he would have.
But I just don’t want to.
It’s like for him this is just a thing.
I’m just another girl that liked him so he went along with it.
But for me it’s like having this person you’ve wanted for so long.
And you’ve thought about what it would be like and how great it would be and built it up in your imagination for so long.
And it’s finally real.
And I kind of wish it was terrible because maybe it would be easier for him to end it.
But it’s not. It’s sickeningly close to how I thought it would be.
I mean, of course, there are issues, there always are.
But when I’m happy and just enjoying time with him and not worrying about all of this stuff, I am so freaking happy.
I don’t remember when the last time I had that was.
It’s so hard knowing that what we are to him and what we are to me are so different.
And now I’m work...yuck.
I just wish I didn’t feel like the odd person out in every single part of my life.
And then there’s the problem that it’s obvious that he is interested in a FWB relationship when he breaks up with me.
I don’t want to say it because it makes me feel super shitty just thinking it could be true, but part of me thinks that the only reason he’s still in it right now is because he is enjoying having someone to have sex with.
If he finds someone else before our arrangement is up, I’m out.
He keeps making comments about being FWBs.
I just don’t think he has any clue how much little comments like that hurt.
Like the bowling thing, or talking about us being FWBs if/when we break up.
It makes me just want to sit and cry thinking that I have spent the past month trying to prove that I’m worth it and that we have a real shot and that he has spent it getting more and more detached from me and contemplating how he can still get laid once he dumps me.
I mean, I may be exaggerating, but the principle applies.
The fucked up part of that is that I would more than likely agree to it.
But it would be for the wrong reasons.
It would be very bad for me.
I am attached, I am so attached.
And not even like a codependent “need someone to need” attachment, but like a genuine, “I like this person being mine and don’t want to lose them” attachment.
So, because of that, I am sure I would agree.
And, yes, being able to continue with the naughty would be wonderful. Fantastic, even.
But I can’t do it no matter how much I say I can or want to or anything else.
I can say sex is just sex until I am blue in the face, but for me, it’s not.
I am learning that I am wrong in thinking that sex is love.
And that I can accept, even if I have difficulty with it occasionally.
But I am not one of those people who can completely detach emotionally and sleep with someone.
It is an emotional experience, letting someone be as close to you as anyone can be. Letting someone inside of you. And the kissing and touching and feeling of being desired.
It’s not just a physical thing.
So I would be getting emotional fulfillment while he was getting physical fulfillment, and then I would be repeatedly hurt when I was reminded that sex is all we have.
And eventually he would find someone else, and that would be a whole other problem in itself.
I don’t think I could say it out loud, but I know that if I continued with the sex after we broke up, I would be hoping that somehow he would realize he was wrong, or missed me, or something like that and want me back.
Logically, I know it’s not true, but it would be my underlying thought.
My subconscious is sick and twisted and, most of all, irrational.
That’s why, if I didn’t already have what he does, I most likely do now.
Because my fucked up idiotic subconscious somehow thought that I would seem more valuable if I didn’t care.
And if he was going to stick with me, I really honestly wouldn’t, but since he seems hell bent on ending it, I’m going to be in the same screwed position he is in.
Not that it’s really his fault. He didn’t know.
But he does know now, and he even cried saying that he felt so terrible for putting me at risk...
I wonder where that went?
Out the window with his openness and honesty I suppose. Or with his willingness to make this work.
I mean, I understand the Seth thing, I really do, but it fucking sucks.
It really does.
And I feel like something is wrong with me. Like I’m defective.
I have such a hard time with resenting Seth.
It’s not his fault I was such a skank and got knocked up, but he exists, so it is what it is.
The point is that this doesn’t help.
I wish I had known from the beginning so I could avoid all of this heartache.
Even more than that, I just wish I knew that he was actually putting in the effort now.
That he actually cares and really likes me enough to want to be with me.
I am so fucking sick of being the girl that’s good enough until something better comes along.
I am a fucking person and I have fucking feelings and I am sick of crying all the time and feeling like nothing because people only want me around when it’s convenient for them.
Okay, I am seriously crying now and I need to just stop typing.
That’s it for today.
I don’t know if this will be private or not...
I’m just being honest, but it’s stuff I don’t know how to say out loud.
He doesn’t usually read unless I tell him to, anyway.
I don’t know. We’ll see...

No comments:

Post a Comment