Monday, October 1, 2012

Fucking Friends with Fucking Benefits...or not so much?

Argh...
Why can't I get out of my head?
Why do I have to let my stupid fucking emotions and stupid fucking crazy thoughts ruin everything?
This evening could be perfectly nice.
I've had several days of seemingly never ending shit days at work, and my body hurts.
And I'm pissed off.
Sex is good. It can help with these things.
But here I fucking am over thinking and getting sad and stupid.
FUCK THIS.
It doesn't fucking matter.
Why is it okay when I am the one who wants sex?
Why does it only feel like I am being used and will be alone forever now?
Is that true?
Sex is good.
Better than good.
I've been fine with this FWB thing.
It's been working.
Except for those couple of hiccups.
Thinking about it, though...those are kind of the things that make us FWB and not a couple.
IE: Other girls.
Maybe I have deluded myself into thinking that I was doing a great job with this FWB thing when in actuality I haven't been serious about it being that.
I mean, really, we don't just fuck.
We talk and play games and have fun. And cuddle.
And hug. And genuinely care for each other.
So the differences between this and a relationship are?
No L word.
Um....That's all I can think of besides the obvious which is the problem.
I can't handle the idea of there being other girls.
Why the fuck not?
I'm fucking nuts, that's why.
The only issues I've had since we've become this whatever the fuck we are:
-He got fucking livid about some chick he had a thing for apparently having a retarded view on something. I proceeded to flip out and have a fucking breakdown because of this.
-He mentioned seeing a girl (that I know but have only ever exchanged like 2 words with) at a party that he and Viv had discussed having a fling with and seemed interested in pursuing. My birthday. Fucking shit. I don't even think I said anything. I think I just cried while he was there and moped and slept when he was here and he had no clue of the feelings.
-Fucking little girl. I already had twinges of jealousy when we were seeing each other because of this one. But now he seems genuinely interested. She's like 5. Not that it matters. This one hurts most. It sunk in when he couldn't stop texting her not just when I was there, which would have been rude enough, but when we were literally fooling around. Like...seriously? Do I mean that fucking little? Am I really not important enough to just be able to focus on me for THAT BIT OF TIME?
Ugh. Why does it fucking matter?
Why can't I handle it?
I don't want him to leave me.
I'm sure that's a lot of it.
I need to be supreme female.
I don't know why, but it fucking hurts when I'm not.
Ugh.
So what does this mean?
I don't know.
I don't want to stop.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Maybe I can pretend everything is okay tonight.
Then I will figure it out.

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