Saturday, October 6, 2012

Thinking Too Much

I'm really sick of writing about the same thing over and over again.
He doesn't want you Cami.
Wrap your little brain around it.
How can I continue to put myself right back in this situation?
Is this not the textbook definition of insanity?
I keep falling back into the pattern and repeating every single idiotic mistake.
All while hoping this time will be different.
He will realize his mistake.
For one thing, the current male is still so wrapped around and shoved up the ass of his ex that he couldn't do this even if it wasn't for Seth.
And then with the case of Seth, it pretty much puts the nails in the coffin.
I am honestly so fucked up lately.
I literally can' function normally.
I shake and get dizzy at work when we get busy or I encounter a particularly stressful situation.
I've never had problems like that.
I've always been really good under pressure.
But it seems like I'm just so under pressure in every fucking aspect of life that I can't maintain my equilibrium.
I cry at the drop of a hat.
I get pissed and go into rages.
I've trained myself to just shut down mostly, so no one gets the full force of my rage except Seth and my mother.
Seth just gets caught in the crossfire.
I really sit and think more and more lately that he'd just be better off with Steven.
I don't know if that is actually true, but I know that I feel like the worst mother in the world between work and school and whatever else.
And I resent him.
It's so hard to admit it, but I do.
I mean, if I can be rejected so easily because of him now, why not in the future?
I feel like he is what is holding me back from finding somone.
And I know the theory that if the person can't accept and love your child, then he doesn't deserve you, but that's hard.
Maybe I'm just desperate.
Or maybe I just got hit a little too hard on my first time out in the wild.
This guy has literally been the person to get me through this divorce.
And he is so nice and has done so much for me.
And I have so many feelings, but they don't matter.

Because no matter how nice he is or how much he seems to really care about my well-being, that's where it ends.
He can fuck me.
He can spend time with me and make me feel like I matter.
But that's it.
Because Seth gets in the way.
I love Seth, I do.
But there are a LOT of days I wish he didn't exist.
And I know I'm going to go to the special hell for admitting it, but it's true.
I'm just so tired of being so sad and so angry all of the time.
It's like I'm a landmine, just waiting. Just the right thing happens or is said and I explode.
I'm going to go before I get even more worked up.

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