Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I Guess Sometimes Everything May Turn Out Okay...

Well, life has been pretty awesome lately.
The guy I last ranted about, Killian, has turned out to not be the dick I first thought he was.
He has spent the last several months trying to make that one day up to me.
He is actually super amazing, and I didn't know I could get so lucky.
I haven't had the desire to act out or anything.
I mean, we fight like everyone, but he just fits really well with me.
And it doesn't hurt that the sex is AMAZING.
Yeah, about that.
Well, I've been getting really into church lately, and about a month ago I decided I think we shouldn't have sex anymore until we get married.
We're not engaged or anything, I just meant I wanted to wait.
He agreed because he's wonderful, and it's been hard at times, but overall it has been good.
Well, we may have cheated a few times.
I don't know, it's hard because part of me really wants to.
And part of me wants to do what's right.
I kind of feel like I'm two different people.
The borderline girl who fucks anyone who looks at me the right way and the Christian girl who wants to put God first and have the right foundation for our relationship.
I mean I think I'm doing alright on the "fucks anyone" front because I haven't even been tempted to cheat on him, but I do still have the issue where I feel like I'm required to do it.
It's really complicated because it's not like I don't enjoy the sex.
It's as great as sex could ever be for me.
Especially since he always goes down on my after and makes sure I finish, which is VERY different for me.
He is the most selfless, giving person, both in the bedroom and out.
So anyway, it's like half of me wants to have sex because I get horny and I want to have an orgasm (which I think is what the general reasoning is supposed to be, right?) and the other half wants to have sex because I need to feel wanted and loved and such.
Anyway, the point is that I am still figuring all of this out.
And I feel like this is, by far, my healthiest relationship to date.
Like...I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm pretty sure he's the one.
I can see him being the person I spend the rest of my life with.
And, I guess, being borderline, I kind of get like that more than most, but something feels different with this.
I don't so much feel crazy as just loved, and lucky.

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