Friday, June 20, 2014

Sugar We're Going Down

Things are pretty unpleasant right now. The problem is that I can’t even explain why. In actuality, things are actually going pretty well. I have a new job that I love. Killian is more than awesome. Henry is even being pretty good (for a four-year-old.) I guess things aren't unpleasant, I guess maybe I am unpleasant. I haven’t had a super bad down cycle for a few months, and I guess this is usually the time of year that it happens. I can feel myself doing it, but it’s like I can’t stop myself. I am picking fights with Killian for absolutely no reason. I’m being short with Henry.
            I really worry with Henry. I look at how badly my parents screwed up my life, and I wonder how well Seth can possibly turn out with a borderline mom and a narcissistic sociopath for a dad; a narcissistic sociopath who will spend God-only-knows how many years of Henry’s life in jail. I mean, I can’t even imagine what goes on in his head. One second I’m loving on him and being sweet, and the next I may be spanking him and screaming. I tell myself not to scream, but I can’t help it. I’m like a toddler myself, emotionally speaking. I scream and cry and lash out when I don’t get my way. That’s not how a parent should be. I’m supposed to be the adult, but I am just as bad as he is.
            I’m also feeling the need to do something destructive. I have contemplated texting Kristoff multiple times, but luckily I haven’t done it. I guess that’s a victory in itself, and I should probably celebrate the small victories, right? I just worry about doing something stupid. Like, right now, I’m low, but I can think fairly clearly. I am pretty reasonable. I think that is one of the benefits that my diagnosis and therapy had on me. I can see the patterns in myself and analyze them.
            I REALLY REALLY need to get back into therapy. I can’t afford it. Honestly, though, I can’t afford my bills. So what’s one more? Killian has been helping me more and more with bills. On one hand I feel guilty about it, but on the other, it’s kind of nice. I mean, we are planning on getting married, so I guess it’s going to happen anyway. Some of the fights I have been picking are about money, though. I am feeling very resentful towards him when it comes to money. I think a lot of it is left over from Marcus. I hated Marcus for not wanting to do anything better. The fact that he was perfectly content with working at a fast food place part-time making minimum wage for the rest of his life was the worst thing in the world to me. I think that some of that is being projected onto Killian. I mean, he’s trying to get a better job.
            On the other hand, though, he is being pretty picky. I am of the mindset that most things are better than his current situation. I guess I just think that if money was better, my life would be a million times easier. I took an hourly pay-cut at my new job. My last job paid 50% more per hour, which was great when I was getting 35-45 hours a week. When it got to the point that I was lucky to get 25, though, it was a whole other story. So this job pays 50% less per hour, but I’m guaranteed 40 hrs. The good news is that I’m not making any less than I had been recently at my last job, but the bad news is that it’s still not enough to pay my bills. This is why Killian has been helping me. My job is also awesome though because a) I love it, and b) the hours are 8-5 M-F. That’s almost unheard of with no degree or prior experience. I guess I just really hope Killian gets a better job because it will show me that he cares enough to want to take care of us. I’m definitely not the stay-at-home mom type, but having a man who wants to take care of us would be nice. I mean, I also want to get back into school, and there are a lot of classes I won’t be able to take without working a little less.
            I’m just stressed. I’m always tired (even though I get plenty of sleep). I’m angry and irritable. I’m feeling very reckless. I want to do something crazy. It’s been REALLY hard to resist cutting lately. I talked myself out of it most recently because I would have no way to hide the marks at work, but now I’ve thought about it, and I realized that I could just cut my inner thighs. It would probably hurt more, and I could easily hide it. I guess I really do need some therapy.

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