Wednesday, June 27, 2012


Well, here I am. Sitting at boy's apartment.
I am just so confused lately.
I'm having a lot of trouble in pretty much every area.
Work is crap. What's that saying? Underpaid and under appreciated?
That's pretty much my life story.
Plus I've been having trouble getting my son to listen to me.
I have been working on that in therapy, though.
Well, we started it anyway. The small amount I did learn seems to be helping.
Mainly my issues (as usual) seem to be in the relationship area.
The husband thing is alright, I guess. He still hasn't gotten his divorce papers, I think he's deluded currently.
But, other than that, we're getting along okay and being civil as far as I can see.
There are a couple of guy friends that have seen the opening of me being separated and tried to pounce.
I'm not actually interested in any of them really, I just have a hard time explaining that.
I don't like the idea of people disliking me.
It makes me feel horribly uncomfortable...actually....panicky....
It's not like I go along with it or anything. I just, um, ignore it?
I guess I figure if I act oblivious to the come ons then they will eventually stop.
Then there's the guy of the moment.
I guess I've explained the gist of our situation.
I don't know, I feel like there is more to say, I just don't know what or how.
After the break-up thing, it was pretty yucky.
Like, we were back together and all, but he seemed miserable most of the time.
All that did was remind me of Steven.
Apparently my god-given talent is to make men miserable.
Anyway, the point is that I was feeling fairly crappy about it.
I don't know how much of it was just my head thinking that he was miserable because the relationship ended to begin with and how much was actually him acting different. I do know it wasn't all me, though.
Because, we go through some fairly serious crap, and then I stick around while he's super seriously depressed (possibly suicidal, tbd), and then I go over there yesterday and he's back to the pre-break up self.
Sweet and cuddly and clingy. It made me unreasonably happy.
And then last night, he snuck into my house (he was driving past it, but still) and slept with me for just the few hours until I had work.
I don't know, it seems like he is actually liking being around me again.
Ugh. I hate not knowing what he is thinking.
It is so frustrating...
It's like, every time I think he's acually really into me, he does or says something that makes me think otherwise.
Then I start thinking that he doesn't actually like me that much and he's just in it to abate his lonliness until something better presents itself, and then he does something that makes me think otherwise from that situation.
And he started the whole relationship with this "honesty honesty honesty" bullshit, but I never know what in the hell he is thinking.
I can ask a direct question, and he may not lie, but he just like....avoids the question?
Usually he acts like he doesn't understand what I am asking at that point, but it's ridiculous...he's seriously one of the smartest people I know, but he can't understand half of my questions?
I guess part of it may be that he's just not used to me.
But, I mean, how is he going to be?
I am fucking bat shit crazy.
I require all of this attention and work and love...
Ah....then there's that.
The infamous "L word,"
...He keeps coming over to sit next to me, so I suppose I will finish on this subject later.
I guess I will go ahead and post since we are doing this "honesty" thing.
We'll see how long that lasts when he sees al lthe crazy crap I think, muahahaha. :p
...but seriously.

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