Sunday, June 24, 2012

A Lot Can Happen In A Year and A Half...

Well, it's been a good while since my last post.
I was so ready to leave my husband that he agreed to go to marriage counseling not long after that post.
Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean I'm always in the wrong.
Actually, since I'm the way I am, it's more likely that I find someone that's another type of crazy that feeds mine.
Tangent. Tangent. Tangent.
The point is that we went to about 3 weeks of marriage counseling before I decided that the therapist was completely on his side and they were double teaming me so I stopped going.
This was also the same therapist I was seeing for single therapy, so that ended, too.
The one good thing she did, though, was help me realize how important it was to get myself back in to school.
School is the only place I've ever felt confident and comfortable with myself, so it's something very important for me.
So I did it. I filed an appeal and got back into school. Now I've been in for 3 semesters and I can't wait for summer to be over so I can get back at it. After years of fighting with myself, I finally gave in and admitted that my true desire is to teach. Even if it means not having as much money as a chemical engineer.
Things just got worse and worse with my husband. We literally never had sex. For over a year.
We barely talked. He was on the computer constantly. Working a part time, minimum-wage job and refusing to do anything better.
The thing is, I wouldn't mind a job like that if he was in school doing something to actually better himself.
He is just happy doing the bare minimum in every facet of life. It makes me sick that anyone can live like that.
Plus there's the face that we fought any time we did talk. I just got to the point where I was having trouble even standing being in the same room with him.
But of course my BPD, codependency, whatever part of my crazy it was, wouldn't let me just be fine with leaving him and being alone.
I had to have someone else to cling to so I could make it through the alone stage.
I had plenty of people willing to be that person, but I didn't want it to be just anybody because it was going to be rough and I was going to need someone I actually liked being around, talking to, etc...
Well, not long ago, I found the prime candidate. A guy I used to work with was fairly fresh out of a break-up with his super bitch ex. I had a crush on him years ago, but it was one of those that always kind of lingered at the back of my mind.
He was the guy I always called or texted when I got drunk. Without fail.
Anyway, more than a year without sex and a guy you've had a crush on for years flirting with you (admittedly after blatantly having to spell out that I was very interested), things tend to go certain ways.
We went to get lunch once, and a short time later he invited me over and made me lunch.
Well, it can be inferred what my borderline self did from there.
It felt so fantastic to feel wanted and liked and, I guess, like I mattered.
That combined with the fact that I finally got myself back into therapy made me realize how much I really wanted to get a divorce.
And I finally felt like I had the strength to actually go through with it.
I filed almost a month and a half ago and moved out, and I've been doing fairly well since then.
He's been suprisingly civil about trading our son back and forth.
As for the thing with the other guy. It went really well for about a month, and then something just kind of broke down, I guess.
I made a point to ask from the very beginning multiple times if he was okay with the fact that I have a kid.
He assured me over and over that he was.
Unfortunately, it took a little over a month for him to realize otherwise.
I did the great job of letting myself get super uuber attached, and then he just suddenly drew back one day and wouldn't tell me what was wrong.
Being the unbelievable snoop I am with an insatiable curiosity, I checked his Facebook and found a message with a friend that involved him saying that he didn't see us lasting long term, he didn't feel good about my son, and he just didn't know about us in general.
I'm going to be honest. It hurt. A whole hell of a lot.
I kind of broke down alone in his bedroom and cried for about 30 minutes.
Then I talked to one of my friends who kind of calmed me down and said I should talk to him about it.
So, I did, and it went badly. I left and that was supposed to be it.
I felt like absolute crap for the next day and had to stay on Xanax just to function.
I don't really know about how he felt, but I guess he either missed me, too or just felt really lonely because when I had the idea of us doing like a trial period with no real commitment, he agreed.
I still don't know if that was a good idea.
I feel like it was really just delaying my pain a little bit.
Possibly even making it worse because, although I promised to not let myself get any more attached, how do you actually do that when you are spending all your free time with someone, having lots of amazing (no, like, AMAZING) sex, just enjoying yourself in general?
It's freaking hard.
So here I am, trying to keep my distance, but kind of not doing a very good job.
Plus, we've been through a good bit in the past couple of weeks (like, some hardcore stuff) and I had a couple of easy outs, but I stuck around.
I just hope he realizes that. He says that he's even more confused now after all of that. I just hope in the end that he sees how much I am actually willing to put into this, and that it takes someone who really cares to stay around and be here for him through all of this.
I don't know. Maybe I'll end up hurt or worse off in the end, but hopefully the small chance of that not happening is worth the huge chance that it does...

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